message for big bear

We got the private e-mails that you sent. Would you be comfortable going into more detail about what went on between you and your wife? thanks.

 

Yeah. I hope I can get this altogether at one time. I was abused when I was 13-14 and then put it out of my mind for years. I got married, we bought a house, had good jobs, had two great kids. the whole American dream. I always felt like I was different though. when I started to remember the abuse, I didn;t want to remember it so I started drinking too much and doing some drugs too. I also started sleeping around. I drank and did the drugs to forget the memories. I slept around for alot of reasons. I wanted to feel better.I wanted to prove that I was a man.years later I think that wanted to show something to my abuser too. I thought that i was entitled to do this cause of what happened to me. Someone did that to me and so I can sleep around, hurt my family.

Kimmie was trying to figure out what was wrong with me, what snapped in me after all these years. She was taking care of the kids all by herself, taking care of the house, since I was no help.She was trying to get me into counseling too. I was pushing her away all this time, closing up, a real bastard to her. I wasn;t there for her thru some bad times. Also I was wiered with the kids. I mmissed ball games and school things but also I didn;t want them to have close friends cause someone might do the same thing to them. Kimmie finally got tired of it all and packed up the kids one day and went to her mothers. She stayed there for a while and then I came home one day and my clothes were in the driveway and she had the locks changed, so I was kicked out.Can't blame her.she wouldn't talk to me for months and months except when something happened with the kids.

Now I know i was as bad as my abuser.I turned my back on my wife and kids. I love them all more then anything. It was like I wanted to hurt Kimmie so she'd know how bad I was hurting. It sounds stupid now. I thought that someone had stolen something from me so I could try to steal it back by doing what I did. I;m working on getting my act together.the abuse isnt the worst thing anymore. the worst thing is what i did because of the abuse. that's what Im most ashamed of. I love my kids and I want to be their dad again.I love Kimmie too and want her back.she's a great woman. If I could change one thing in my life it wouldn;t be the abuse, it would be the way I treated her.

I read the post by abcd and it made alot of sense.I'm not where I want to be yet. I dont think about the abuse as much anymore but how I'm gonna fix my life so my attacker doesnt win and so that I'm happy with who I am.One of the 12 steps is to make amends with people you hurt and I want to make amends with Kimmie and the kids. the kids will forgive me and let me back in but Kimmie will be tougher. I stopped drinking and drugging and sleeping around before and she's starting to talk to a me a little bit.

Hpe this helps you.

 

I;m sorry that this is so long but there's more.My shrink got all of this out of me thru the years but its hard to say it all at one time. I keep thinking about it. one of the other things is that I trated those women like my abuser treated me, like a thing and not a person. My abuser used me just for sex or what he thought it was. He didn't care about me. I used those women just for sex too and din't care about them. Even tho I saw some of them for months I didn't care about them, didn't do things for them. I was just using them too like my abuser used me. Did this happen to anyone else?

Now I know all of this and more. And I know that I was only happy when I was with Kimmie and the kids. I was my best then too. I was a whole person and was happy and made someone else happy too. like abcd said, I don't like my life now.

talking about this here helps. Thank you to everyone who listens.