mental-health care

mental-health care
D

delta.tetra

Registrant
I got a referral to a local mental-health care centre from my psychiatrist.

I got another diagnosis about my mental health. I had two long sessions talking about my history and my current symptoms.

I got these:

depression
post traumatic stress syndrome
sleep disorder
sexuality disorder
some borderline symptoms
personality disorder
I'm strongly disociative

The psycho-therapist I talked to asked me what I needed from them. I could not answer that question! Together we found out that perhaps the best group to start in is the group where you don't actually interact very much. If I can get through being in that group then the next step might be easier. I'm scared.

The clinic is a day centre where mentally ill people go for the full day, at least three days a week. "learn to live with strong emotions that spoil your day", for instance. My life is ruined by strong emotions I can't deal with.

The focus is very much on going from where I am now, into the future. It will be about me getting something to help me get through my days better. It will not be about discussing the various dramas and traumas that made me who I am now.

I feel OK about that. For years I have tried to get my whole story into my own head so I can understand things. But I don't think I can find healing in past, I've got to look for it here and now. I am what I am, and what's done is done.

They have a discussion about me next week then i have an appointment to hear if they think they can take the risk of me being in the clinic. They have to take the risk that I might start talking about the things I should not mention even after I agreed not to.

I was told, a lot of the people here were sexually abused, and they don't want to talk about it here. He was talking of patients and staff.

This is a major scary thing for me of course you know that don't you web page. I understand that thing about starting from here and building, rather than starting from here and digging.

But I think I'll be digging up a lot of old shit in my previous life anyway. If I need a way to get the emotionals out of me I can come here and rave at the internet. That's what I thought, get some real human therapy from these real people. I haven't had real people around for a while.

Oh and did I say, I fcn hate my Mum and Dad? This shit is so unneccessary! They all say, your an intelligent bloke, and I think that -
i was a boy abuse sufferer in hands of my father who is a male to female transexual and that makes me more wierd. Mum knew my sister and me where getting really damaged but she felt powerless and acted as powerless as she felt. She failed to protect her children. This crap drove me mad.

I resolve to learn to act different to what I feel!

:cool:
 
deltra.tetra

Don't know what sort of therapy it is where you are not allowed to talk about what is bothering you. Post what you like here - we have all experienced abuse and have some empathy towards others that have endured similar experiences.

You will find that some people are here on a regular basis, others more random. Each individual will respond as they are able - somtimes people will constantly respond to others, sometimes they do not have the strength.

I hope you find the support here that so many of us have found before you.

Best wishes ..Rik
 
Hello

I wanted to update this thread, as there is news, and Rick was so kind as to respond and I ignored him. Thanks Rick, sorry I did that. I felt Unable to write actually for weeks and suffered in silence.

I had two meetings. First with the Admissions person for the Group Therapy centre, then with my psychiatrist.

I was told some stuff, and it made me feel really bad.

I won't be invited to join the group therapys. The intake committee talked about me for two and a half hours. They all agreed I would be a suitable candidate for the therapy groups on offer except for one thing - talking.

As I mentioned in the first post, people in these groups aren't allowed to talk about their original problems in these groups. I understand these groups are like school classes where you can learn about the theory and practice of living better. The reason why the group members aren't allowed to talk, is because the background problem is not relevant in that environment. The group is about learning new skills.

The danger they saw is that I might not be able to resist the urge to speak about my life. If I did that, of course I must be told to leave the group. If the staff were compelled to expel me they figured I might get a bad attitude towards the mental health care organisation and that could put my health in future danger if I felt so bad that I stopped all contacts.

They all agreed that I do need therapy where I could talk about whatever I needed to talk about. Perhaps later I can go into the other groups with tighter rules. I'm feeling very lucky that I chose to come and live in a country with accessible affordable healthcare and social insurance, but hey I wasn't being stupid.

Also they felt that my sexual disorder needs treatment more than the social and relational dysfunctions. My father changing sex transexually, the sexual abuse he did to me, that has never ever got any therapy and that is what I need. They said. They did recommend a therapist who would be interested/qualified for my case.

I was told that I have a personality development disorder. By definition, there is no way that I could develop a normal personality, in the family I grew up in. That made me feel awful. That means I've always had an abnormal personality since conception! When I was a little child making my first steps I was already abnormally developing! My school days were all abnormal! I do feel some relief for all the normal people though. I mean, I don't have to be scared and sad any more that normal people could also have such a horrid life as mine. I'm abnormal. My family IS abnormal. No thanks dad for that!

I apparently dissociate 'almost continuously' because I'm so scared of causing conflict, I was told. They said in their report to my psychiatrist Don't get me started I've got verbal diarrea! :)

I heard I have no disernable internal structure but I am eager for structure imposed externally. Meaning I hardly ever know what I want to do next, but if someone gives me a task I'm happy to do it. (I think that's why I was often so good at working, I'd be standing totally empty and scared until the boss said what I had to do, then I would go at it like a highly productive mad thing.) Also I always hated times after work because I became nothing again. Couldn't have a home life.

My psychiatrist has written a letter to the other therapist for individual sexual problems, so I must wait and see what happens. If I do get someone to talk to that would be great, I've been needing it for years.

I'm 43, I found out only 3 years ago that I was sexually abused weekly by my father until I was 16 years old. I've know since I was a child, that my dad changed sex (and we all kept it secret).

>>I have never ever talked to anyone in my entire life, who knows what it feels like for their own dad to change sex. Let alone dad changes sex and sexually abuses them. So i feel alone alone alone.

And 50 * 12 = 600. That is at least 12 years and 50 times a year I know for sure I was done every weekend from 4 years old when my transsexual papa returned to home and I'm sure it was happening earlier too(SCREAMING BABY FLASHBACKS)oops caps lock. So many hundreds of wicked sexual attacks against me. Hundreds! One attack seems bad enough for a life of trouble. Must I assume hundreds of attacks made to an abnormal personality boy, well, I'm not going to win social prizes. Hundreds of times more fucked up?

So that's it for now. I wasn't writing here for a while for two good reasons but they seem less important now. I'm safe as long as my front door is locked, the internet cannot bite me. But I wanted to complete this post, and anyway question marks are only punctuation. I don't need readers I just want to throw this shit out of me.
 
Delta.tetra,

Welcome to here. I hope this program is successful and helpful to you.

And for what it is worth, sometime I very much Fing hate my parents as well. both of them. I can not imagine being raised as you were. That would be remarkably confusing. I am glad you survive it, and I hope you will heal and regain your life.

Leosha
 
thanks Leosha, sometimes I am surprised myself at what I put up with at home. I would rather do this healing journey than the alternative one down river.
I'm never surprised to read that someone hates their parents - what other alternatives are there? cynical me.
 
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