mental disorders?

mental disorders?
R

reesersgrl

Registrant
I was just wondering if anyones significant other, friend, family member has been diagnosed as a borderline, bipolar etc. because of the abuse they suffered. Mine has. He had been putting on a pretty good front until all of this resurfaced, then he went over the edge. He left me last week again--won't answer my calls yada, yada. He dissasociates, withdrawls and sees absolutely EVERYTHING in black and white.HIS version of reality is not the true reality. Medication that he's on just seems to be making things worse. I have tried so hard to be there for him, but over the last year, he seems to be migrating more towards his "friends" and former co-patients (unhealthy relationships), and disregarding me. Treating me as if I were the enemy. It's heartbreaking.
 
I understand exactly...when you say you have become his enemy. I too experience the constant pain of being pulled close to my boyfriend, only to have him run away quicker each time. As the floodgates open with his ability to have someone to "tell", the relationship is becoming less & less. I am deeply saddened listening to the life he lived as a small boy then into his teens,but distancing myself from this I clearly can see it explains his behaviour in our relationship. His lack of trust, inability to have an intimate relationship ( having SEX isn't a problem, it is the "intimacy part...I love you, hugging, kissing etc.) How would I expect a survivor of numerous family members sexually abusing him, allow that man to develope into a man who could have a one on one relationship with me ? I would never expect that person to be able to enter a relationship and have the outcome I desire...sadly 5 years into this relationship, my boyfriend talks about the abuse everytime during sex, describing whatever, acting out, roleplaying, regressing to child talk, even calling me his Mom. I have been patient with the BiPolar,Moods,Black&White,I don't want you...don't leave me, for 5 years, knowing he will never get help for any of that...knowing he will never seek Professional help for his abuse, is my signal that it will never get better. I always thought I could try harder, lover more, be a better friend to him, and he would be able to stop his up & downs...knowing about the incest gives me zero hope for improvement.

You are not alone in feeling like his enemy.
 
Your stories break my heart. I have a relative in the same situation.
And then there is Ranata, what that woman has put up with me, she deserves medals, honest to God, medals.
I've been trying to get a handle on what happened to me since I was 19...well, it was before that, too. I have never been diagnosed with anything in particular besides the trauma and abused that I went through until I left home for the Army.
My Mother and sister were both Manic-depressives, and if merry-go-round means anything to you, that's what it was like growing up in my house.
I guess what I'm trying to say, is that help is now available and unless your friend can come up with a treatment program, I don't see much of chance for success.
You sound like you given years of your lives to these guys...you've got killer decisions to make.
Contact Ken Singer for any possible referral for therapists. Good luck to you and thank you for sharing with us.

David
 
Yes, yes, that's exactly how it is. The more free he is to tell others (and I don't begrudge him that)the more distance he puts between us. I know this sounds selfish, but in the beginning, I had thoughts about this same situation happening. I wanted him to get better, but I also wanted him to need just me. I feel so absolutely alone. I have spent the last two and 1/2 years talking him thru panics attacks on the phone, holding him and comforting him, bandaging his wounds of self infliction, late night, im so tired i could drop, back rubs to pull him out of a terrible place, doctor visit after doctor visit, rage after rage--still loving him, still wanted to help him, only to be tossed aside and forgotten. I am the one who encouraged him to go to the police. I am the one who talked him into therapy. I am the one who said YES!! try the medication, Baby. I am the one who said, DONT GIVE UP! And in the end, he gave up on me......
 
Niagara, also the s/a has become EVERY conversation. He speaks of revenge and hatred on a constant basis. It has taken over our lives. I find myself constantly wondering what we used to talk about before his memories resurfaced. Most of the time, during our sexual realtionship, I wondered if he was even there with me at all...
 
Thanks REESERSGRL, for touching on the ability for the Survivor to make us feel uneeded & forgotten, I think of it as becoming a disposable person.
Has anyone that is a Partner of a Survivor felt once the Survivor begins to disclose...they see us, as a "witness" to the actions taken against them...varying between them being embarassed & ashamed,with regressing into the age they were during the abuse.
It is obvious now,while I am making love to him, it is not me he is with...he is a lifetime away. As mentioned on an earlier post, now that the abuse is out, the abuse consumes our sexual time, interestingly it is never discussed outside of that enviroment.
The increased distance & coldness directed at me is so unfair, as I care deeply & would support him through this & any crisis. He has been there for me at rough times in my life, but the difference is I am not opposed to getting help from the proper sources.

I have never seen him as an "emotional punching bag" which is what I have beome to him.

Regards,
 
I'm not sure what this means:
Has anyone that is a Partner of a Survivor felt once the Survivor begins to disclose...they see us, as a "witness" to the actions taken against them...varying between them being embarassed & ashamed,with regressing into the age they were during the abuse.
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I have witnessed some of what this describes. I have seen my boyfriend's posture and vocabulary change when we were discussing his abuse, in a way that could be a regression to the age he was when he was abused. It was nothing dramatic but I know him so I noticed a difference. Of course I have seen him ashamed, guilty, afraid, etc.

I don't know exactly how he feels about that, from what he's told me I'd imagine that he has positive feelings about his ability to share with me and the strength of the bond and trust between us. When I was scared that he would recover and then leave me, I brought it to him and he laughed and asked what would make me think that he would leave the only person he trusted enough to tell.

But I think the question is asking if his disclosure to me makes me a witness to the abuse, or associates me with the act of abuse in his mind. I have no idea. I doubt it.

However, I believe that it is very important for me to keep out of his healing until I am invited, while still asking for accountability from him in matters concerning the both of us. I want to keep our relationship healthy, and that takes work and communciation, but I also want to keep it as free from abuse talk as possible, a safe place. It's a tricky balance, but it doesn't leave a lot of room for these damaging associations.

In terms of the rest of the thread, I do think that partners should set expectations high when it comes to how they will be treated. Certainly it is within your rights NOT to be an emotional punching bag, NOT to do anything with him sexually that makes you uncomfortable.

Not being honest about what you need from a partner to be happy in the relationship, allowing your boundaries to be ignored, putting up with abuse, lack of trust, disrespect, focusing on abuse issues to the detriment of the rest of the relationship-- these things are not caring, they are not healthy, and when one of the parties in that relationship gets healthy, he or she will naturally move away from this sort of unhealthiness.

At that point both parties will have to sort out what is left of the relationship, if the whole thing has been neglected and rebuilt around these abuse issues, then maybe there will be little to salvage. :(
 
I am very interested in the possibility that sexual abuse may cause a child to become manic depressive/bipolar. I understand there is some research to indicate that abused children develop Attention Deficit Syndrome. This really makes sense to me. I see some indication of this with my partner.

I really identified with the pain you described about being treated like "the enemy" after years of giving love, care and understanding while other "new abused friends" were showered by my partner with sensitive care and intimate conversation. It was the ultimate in "crazy making". I thought I was losing my mind, to say nothing of losing my best friend.

I don't have any answers but I have been thankful for the support of friends and the healing that therapists have given both of us. I am thankful for the peace that we have now most of the time and for just being able to feel kind of "normal". I'm not assuming that the storms are gone forever but just thankful we're not experiencing them right now. Makes me want to tell you to have hope. Things can get better, particularly when therapy is involved. Peace to you.
 
Well, Niagara, you and I seem to be on the same page here. I have very much felt that (and he's even told me in his own way) that I know too much about him, i.e. what happened to him, the acting out situations etc. He trusted me enough to let all this stuff come out(with my persuasion) but it bit me in the behind in the end. Sometimes I'm sorry that I pushed him to disclose. It may be helping him, but it ruined us. Emotional punching bag, lol, I believe those are the exact words I used in another post.
I'm very confused, hurt and angry. Yesterday I saw him for the first time in about a week, and he made me talk to him thru a crack in the car window. (okay, okay, I had choices, but I was filled with desperation!!)Then he took off. Wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't give me answers to any of my questions. It's so insane. It's hard enough to leave a normal, just uncompatible relationship. When someone leaves you after a mentally exhausting situation such as this, it leaves so many unanswered questions in your mind. I decided then, that I have to let him go. As much as it hurts me, he is no longer the person I fell in love with. I too, had thoughts of him leaving me once his life started to come together. He assured me that this would not happen. Now my whole world, hopes for healing and growing together-gone. Flip flopped on me right b4 my eyes.
I hope that he is able to heal his mind, his heart and his soul. I doubt this will happen as long as he keeps lying to his therapist and to himself. As long as he continues to self medicate and put himself in negative environments.
I'm starting back with my therapist this morning. Im dreading going, because I just don'[t want to cry anymore.Wish me luck....Thanks, Vicky
 
Hi Reesesgrl,
this is my first post after about 10 hrs of reading in the last 2 days! will keep this one short but was struck by having used those same sort of terms in my thoughts and feelings at difficult times- "disposable, throw-away-able, used" , etc. I noticed in the guys boards they often recommend Mike Lew's book "Victims No Longer"- that book SAVED MY SPIRIT in relating with my bf and I wanted to share that with you. Gets me through the "shut-outs" healthily, really helps me depersonalize the hurt and get a bigger understanding than my immediate reactions. The newer edition (with the cover of the guy standing on the rocks at the ocean ) has a chapter devoted entirely to freinds of the CAS - it was wonderful but the whole book was wonderful for me. took away the confusion and thus a lot of the hurt. was great for personal understandings as well of course. I'm sure I'll post more in the future and am reluctant to say too much more today. need to get up and away after so many hours here, but i must say I'm very thankful for these board's and everyone's sharing. I was lucky enough to find the book in stock at the local big bookstore but online's great too. I'm about to buy Mike's second book. and just an FYI - although I've lent the bf my book, haven't given it to him- he knows where to buy it when he's ready for his own copy. take care and hope you give yourself that gift!
 
An, thanks so much for your input. I have been doing nothing but filling my head with information pertaining to this situation. I do have a much better understanding of what is happening here, but it comes a little to late, I'm afraid. I used to take his outbursts and outrageous behavior very personally. I mean, how can you not, when it's directed at you and you live with it on a daily basis. I wish I could have, would have, reacted differently in the past. I can't beat myself up over it anymore. It's tearing me apart. I DO know that the support I have given, far exceeds the times where I "lost it" out of frustration and hurt feelings.
The people here, whether they know it or not, have held me together. I only wish that Bobby could discover this sight. I have told him about it, and refuses to even attempt to look. He seems to be reveling in all the attention he is getting and honestly, I don't think he wants to be well, not at this time anyhow. Telling the truth, admitting it to himself, working towards healing, would mean putting all this in the past. I don't believe he's ready for that. I cannot and will not let him drag me down any further into the black hole he is in. I would have stood by him thru anything. He and the 15 year old boy inside him, chose to run.
 
This whole post has me in tears, what did they do to us!

I think that every Survivor I know will plead guilty to some or all of the charges laid down here.
The SA fucks us up, it makes us angry - as I am now because what I read I recognise.
It's NO way to live a relationship.

I've never been abusive, physically or verbally, to my wife. Other than regular 'domestics' :rolleyes:
But I still can't be intimate to the degree we'd both like. Sex is like described above, I'm 'somewhere else'.
And the other stuff too, my life revolves about 'my abuse'- or at least to a greater degree that I want it to. ( my involvement here I do keep seperate somehow )

Love somehow seems to overcome so much, and I for one am truly grateful for that.
We're not easy people to live with.

When I was scared that he would recover and then leave me, I brought it to him and he laughed and asked what would make me think that he would leave the only person he trusted enough to tell.
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SAR, that's the truth! My wife had exactly the same fears.
But now she says that the fear was actually greater before I disclosed because she didn't know why I was the way I was.
"really fucked up !" :eek:

Dave
 
Yup.

But let us all remember - if all goes well, the healing process will move along with all its twists & turns.

But no one can know that at the very beginning. Even if we profess to have faith, should we (Survivors & Partners) try to entangle ourselves with each other at the very beginning of the healing, we are bound for a much rougher time of it.

Some of us simply will not be able to endure the demands & some won't be able to live with the expectations.

I'd LOVE to believe that LOVE would be enough, but sometimes Love needs a very very tough skin, too.
 
Dave
My wife had exactly the same fears.
But now she says that the fear was actually greater before I disclosed because she didn't know why I was the way I was.
Click to expand...
It is so hard, there are two fears happening at once, the first is "What if he never gets any better" and the second is "What the HELL will happen if he gets better?" Both I think are pretty universal.

So much of our role as partner to a fucked-up person revolves around the fucked-up-ness of each other and the relationship, what happens to the relationship when that goes away? The idea that my boyfriend was really going to begin a healing journey, at the end of which he'd be a "different person" from the one who first fell in love with me, was terrifying. It made me look hard at myself and at the foundations of our relationship. Were we just two kids acting out our pasts with no real healthy love to build on? Even if we could be healthy people, had the years of poor communication and hurt damaged our ability to be healthy people with each other?

It would have been nearly as easy for me to hold him back from recovering as it would have been to push him too hard to recover.
 
the healthiest thing to do for him is keep myself healthy.
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This needs to the moto for the F&F's form. If you read over the post of new F&F's you will see a very common thread. Which is just what you said. If you lose yourself in trying to help us deal with our healing, then where does that leave you?

Take care of yourself first and for most!!!!!!!

James
 
I'll start off by thanking...REESERSGRL for starting this conversation, there is comfort in knowing other partners understand my confusion.

I am glad that my bf,disclosed,it made his behaviour in the past now understandable.Times we became closer,suddenly he distanced himself. He would prefer root canal over saying " I Love You ", but his actions proof without a doubt he loves me. Never have I received a Birthday or Christmas present...this man is not cheap or without the reasources,otherwise he treats me like a queen. We go out, have great times, enjoy each others company...but there are some MAJOR issues, that I have accepted & figured must have been from his past, most likely childhood.
The "shut outs" previously described by AN, I am all too familiar with. The knowledge of the SA, doesn't make his behaviour more acceptable...now I can identify & group his "stupidity" as not directed at me rather a way for him to vent . Instead of feeling injured to his confusing actions, I "emotionally" distance myself from his present outburst, so I will have the strentgh & desire to continue my friendship with my Best Friend.
Regards, Niagara :cool:
 
An,

Welcome to MS.

Feel free to start a thread of your own if there's not one that asks the questions that are on your mind, also you can read back quite a long way and also search the forums if you're looking for a specific topic. (the "search" function is on top, by the link to your profile)

Personally I think it would be better just to give your boyfriend a link to the site and allow him to make his own decisions about it than to buy him a membership before he's even seen what it's all about. There's nothing to keep you from joining yourself, though, and if you stick to the Members' F&F forum, your posts will be private, that might make him feel more comfortable about making his own posts here.

SAR
 
SAR-
thanks for the response- I agree- didn't realize too that there was separate access membership wise(for F& F separate from the other areas) but I think that is wonderful. I was even a little hesitant to post his situation here, always don't want to be violating his confidentiality and that's been a problem issue within myself because of my own needs for support- wish again is why i'm so glad I came across this site.
i did do a search on several things earlier but still didn't find some of the specifics I was looking for- maybe will when i become a member. I can't think of anything more worth it. Just waiting for the new tax year...
 
AN, you describe BF as being overwelhmed with "relationship". We, more myself have joked,for 5 years that we are "committed to a non committed relationship, non relationship" As unbelievable as that sounds...it appears to soothe panic in him. Just as recent as Dec.26.04, after a nice Christmas Day, I was talking on the phone to him, said the "r" word, he when on red alert, said I wasn't his best friend, we are only good friends, he wants to see me live a more independent life, and hung up on me.
He at times describes "it" (closeness or whatever it is,he is fearing/wanting ) as a feeling of suffocating, like an octopuss has a hold on him, like he will drown.
The SA history is fresh to me,within the last month. Within the last week, he admitted it was mother-son incest.
I was lucky to find this supportive site, in my search for info.
Regards
Niagara :)
 
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