Men without dads
Men without dads
- Thread starterBrokenhearted
- Start date
roadrunner
Registrant
Trev,
You don't sound like an asshole at all, and of course it bothers you a lot. But listen up a minute. Okay, your natural father took off and abandoned you and your step-father hates you - that really sucks. But...that doesn't mean that you are unwanted or unimportant. It just means that these two guys are assholes. You DO matter, and you ARE important.
Much love,
Larry
You don't sound like an asshole at all, and of course it bothers you a lot. But listen up a minute. Okay, your natural father took off and abandoned you and your step-father hates you - that really sucks. But...that doesn't mean that you are unwanted or unimportant. It just means that these two guys are assholes. You DO matter, and you ARE important.
Much love,
Larry
trev its better to be pissed off than to be pissed on !!lol its ok to be pissed,its natural to be pissed,who wouldnt be pissed ?i get pissed everytime i think about my dad .i agree with larry you been surrounded by assholes ,but that dont make you one ! adam
roadrunner
Registrant
Trev,
That's exactly it. We can "know" that a feeling we have isn't true, but that doesn't stop it from hurting. You have every right to feel hurt - you HAVE been hurt.
The thing to remember is that the reasons you have been hurt have to do with the failings and flaws of others, NOT with you.
Much love,
Larry
That's exactly it. We can "know" that a feeling we have isn't true, but that doesn't stop it from hurting. You have every right to feel hurt - you HAVE been hurt.
The thing to remember is that the reasons you have been hurt have to do with the failings and flaws of others, NOT with you.
Much love,
Larry
roadrunner
Registrant
Trev,
I think you should. That's what the DB is for. Say what you think and let's see where it goes.
Much love,
Larry
I think you should. That's what the DB is for. Say what you think and let's see where it goes.
Much love,
Larry
roadrunner
Registrant
Trev,
Lucky to be alive, sure, I bet that's true. But what about the rest? What flaws do you think you have? What is it that makes you stupid?
L.
Lucky to be alive, sure, I bet that's true. But what about the rest? What flaws do you think you have? What is it that makes you stupid?
L.
roadrunner
Registrant
Trev,
A lot of survivors feel that way at first. What they don't realize is that these feelings reflect NOT who they are, but how they have been treated. If you look at your words above, that's exactly how your abusers treated you.
Much love,
Larry
A lot of survivors feel that way at first. What they don't realize is that these feelings reflect NOT who they are, but how they have been treated. If you look at your words above, that's exactly how your abusers treated you.
Much love,
Larry
roadrunner
Registrant
Trev,
We don't think we disagree. What I am saying is that the way you look at yourself comes from the way they treated you.
L.
We don't think we disagree. What I am saying is that the way you look at yourself comes from the way they treated you.
L.
roadrunner
Registrant
Exactly. If a kid is told a million times "You piece of shit", what will he think? He will think "I am a piece of shit".
But who is the real piece of shit? The bastard who talks to a child like that.
L.
But who is the real piece of shit? The bastard who talks to a child like that.
L.
trev look around you dude ,there are like 3000 guys here who dont think your only good for bad stuff ,and like they said if you get told enough times your shit you become shit ,i think what we got to do is tell ourselves just as many times that we are not shit till that becomes what we believe ,we got to undue all the shit they did to us and nobody can do that overnight it took time to makes us this way it takes time to undue it.so everytime somebody says hey trev your not bad ,thats one time off the list of being told you were bad ,sooner or later its gonna even out .hey trev your ok dude ,heh heh thats one more for the good guys adam
friendofseveral
Registrant
Trevor:
Sorry to hear this, and believe me, I think I can partially understand. My buddy Dale has this same problem. Believe me, you're not bad just because someone else says you're bad, and we all need some validation some time that we're good. I do know that when Dale asks my opinion and such, he trusts me. He's called me such before, though I'm not sure if I should accept such an accolade. The real tragedy is what we're taught from these early experiences. Again, my heart goes out to you, and I do understand this anger. I would be angry too; one of the people who were supposed to protect you, failed. This set you up for more tragedy down the line. I think, and this is what I'm hoping for, in pursuit of being assistance to my friend, is to focus or aleviate this anger, so it doesn't destroy those who have it. To let someone else continue to manipulate you, long after the incidents (I hope I'm not out of line here, because I know how anger is; I have it too sometimes), is to allow the abuser to continue to control you, rather than being in control of yourself. Now all I have to do is convince Dale of this too, and we'll be making some progress.
Is there a way to get rid of the anger? What if I become the focus of misplaced anger? I don't want to have to hurt my buddy, even if I am defending myself.
These are things we have to consider, and to all the guys out there who've never had that experience of having a dad, I kind of know what that's like too. We can triumph regardless.
Sorry to hear this, and believe me, I think I can partially understand. My buddy Dale has this same problem. Believe me, you're not bad just because someone else says you're bad, and we all need some validation some time that we're good. I do know that when Dale asks my opinion and such, he trusts me. He's called me such before, though I'm not sure if I should accept such an accolade. The real tragedy is what we're taught from these early experiences. Again, my heart goes out to you, and I do understand this anger. I would be angry too; one of the people who were supposed to protect you, failed. This set you up for more tragedy down the line. I think, and this is what I'm hoping for, in pursuit of being assistance to my friend, is to focus or aleviate this anger, so it doesn't destroy those who have it. To let someone else continue to manipulate you, long after the incidents (I hope I'm not out of line here, because I know how anger is; I have it too sometimes), is to allow the abuser to continue to control you, rather than being in control of yourself. Now all I have to do is convince Dale of this too, and we'll be making some progress.
Is there a way to get rid of the anger? What if I become the focus of misplaced anger? I don't want to have to hurt my buddy, even if I am defending myself.
These are things we have to consider, and to all the guys out there who've never had that experience of having a dad, I kind of know what that's like too. We can triumph regardless.
roadrunner
Registrant
Trev,
What Shadow is telling you is that when we find it difficult to give up the bad feelings about ourselves, that's because they didn't just spring up all in one day. We learned those false lessons bit by bit, and now they have deep roots in our hearts.
So they won't go away now just because someone tells us they're false and we want to believe that. It takes time. If someone like Shadow tells you "Trev you're cool - you're okay", and you don't believe him, he understands why. But you ARE okay, and you ARE worth the effort. So Shadow will continue telling you until you DO believe it.
And so will I.
And so will others.
Much love,
Larry
What Shadow is telling you is that when we find it difficult to give up the bad feelings about ourselves, that's because they didn't just spring up all in one day. We learned those false lessons bit by bit, and now they have deep roots in our hearts.
So they won't go away now just because someone tells us they're false and we want to believe that. It takes time. If someone like Shadow tells you "Trev you're cool - you're okay", and you don't believe him, he understands why. But you ARE okay, and you ARE worth the effort. So Shadow will continue telling you until you DO believe it.
And so will I.
And so will others.
Much love,
Larry