Brokenhearted,
Okay, here are just a few things I have seen:
1) Lack of confidence and self-esteem, that feeling of "I can't do this" or "If I try I will fail". If you show your Dad something you have done and he ignores you, or if he tells you you're stupid, or if you get beaten for interrupting him, you quickly learn that things you do are unimportant and in fact YOU are unimportant.
2) Inability to appreciate one's own achievements and talents, no matter how sophisticated these are and no matter how often they are confirmed and applauded by others. Related to no. 1. A boy who learns that everything he does is wrong or insufficient or laughable carries this hurt into adulthood. He doesn't want to hold up what he does and seek approval for it, because his past has taught him that only hurt will result. In fact, achievement can seem dangerous and he will often avoid recognition or notice.
3) Lack of trust in one's manhood and fear of failure as a husband, father and soulmate. A boy who feels unimportant and unwanted will blame himself for these problems and think there is something wrong with himself. He doesn't "outgrow" those feelings as he matures; they continue to fester and challenge his feelings about himself in every way that's important to him.
4) Fear of rejection and abandonment. If as a boy you have been rejected and repudiated by your own father, why should you imagine that anyone else would be different later in life? It's difficult to genuinely trust close friends and even your spouse.
5) Fear of what will go wrong next and will it be my fault, because the boy learned that bad things revolved around himself.
6) Reluctance to trust, and especially to trust other men. Who exactly are you to trust once you have been betrayed and dismissed by your own father?
7) Reluctance to feel things emotionally; a concern to stay closed down emotionally. The boy has learned that feeling means to discover worthlessness, unimportance and despair. Who needs that?
I'm sure I have missed some points, but you get the idea. Note, by the way, that I am talking about issues that do NOT stem from abuse. But this is the kind of stuff that sets a kid up as an easy target for abuse.
Also, remember that this has to do primarily with feelings and fears. I remember about 15 years ago a friend quite a lot younger than me came and told me he was thinking of proposing to his girlfriend, but he was scared to death of marriage. I thought they would make a great couple, so I asked him what the problem was.
It turned out his father had been an alcoholic and had terrorized the family for years before he abandoned them and then finally drank himself to death. My friend was worried because, as he said, he had never seen what a real marriage should be like and he was afraid he wouldn't know what to do as a husband. He was also afraid he would turn out like his father. We had a LONG talk that day!
He did get married, and he and his wife have been fine. But he did have to learn a lot of skills and pick up a lot of ideas that he would ordinarily have had from observing his father. But he's a strong guy both emotionally and morally, and he was able to meet the challenge.
And so do many others. A guy who grows up in a broken or devastated or dysfunctional home isn't doomed to live the same way as an adult. But I think he IS encumbered by a lot of troubles and burdens unfairly dropped on him by the irresponsibility of those who owed him the most when he was a boy.
Much love,
Larry
