memory's family wedding *** triggers***

[bluesky]

***triggers***
I was at a family wedding last night. Thought it would be ok had to go it was my sisters daughter and Im very close with her and her family. But I recovered a memory. It was not a good one. One of my abusers was a older cousin. I was 7 he was 20. He's dead, died of a drug over dose so he was not going to show up, so I thought I could do this. Well his older brother that I was always uncomfortable around he likes to give big hugs and strokes you so I kind of keep my distance and so do others. But he saw me and came over to me and asked how I was and I said ok and made some small talk. But when he put his hand on my shoulder and stoke me I stepped back and said I had to go talk to my wife. I remembered that he was part of the abuse that he showed me the porn he made me look at the pictures. He was in the room when his brother did the things hat he did.

I am so Fucked up right now I am just so fucked I am so angry I dont want to see any one in my extended family. I dont know what else will come back to haunt me. I am crying nad cant take this any more I cant tack the pain I cant take the fucking shit of a life that was dealt to me. I know I am ranting but I dont know what to do. I want to run just run to some where that is safe and sound. I have suffered so much like all of us and my faith in God is just spinning and I just dont know what to believe in!!!
I dont know what any can say but I do appreciate all of my brothers here on MS and your support always helps.
Thanks
Bluesky

 

[SmartShadow]

Hey Bluesky,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. That has got to be absolutely overwhelming. I wish there was somthing I could say or do to help. Keep us up dated on how you are doing and vent as much as you want.
My thoughts and prayer are with you,

Mike

 

[traveler]

bluesky -

all my good wishes and prayers on your behalf. rant on, man! it helps - and you deserve to get it off your chest. someone is here for you at any time. lean on us.

lee

 

[Serious Dave]

Bluesky,

What you went through was terrible and I am so sorry that it happened. Feel free to dump all that toxic shit here. We will always love and support you.

When you feel a bit better, please consider the following that I see in this story.

It seems that you may have felt like you turned and ran; like you felt powerless and were victimized again. But that's not what I see here.

First of all, you are a very loving person. Despite your reservations about being with the group at the wedding, you went to honor your sister and her daughter who you love very much. That is an act of bravery which is to me quite inspirational. You faced those initial fears and overcame them. You did what you wanted to do, taking charge of your life.

Second, your bravery continued when you spoke to the person who made you uncomfortable when you probably could have avoided.

Third, you established a clear physical boundary with that person when he tried to invade your personal space. Pulling back and walking away aren't signs of defeat, they are a practical defense strategy. Boundaries are something healthy people use to protect themselves. Fucked up people don't do that. Therefore, you were not fucked up in this situation even though you feel that way right now; you were the healthy person, he was the boundary-crossing sicko.

About the memories:

I think I remember all of what happened to me clearly, with nothing repressed. But that may not be true. There may come a day that a memory is triggered for me. If that happens, I believe it is because I needed that memory at that time. I believe that my inner child will have sent me that memory to warn me about a person or situation that may not be safe for me - like an alarm. Or, maybe it will be to call attention to something that I need to work on. In your case, it was to your benefit to recognize what this person was and did to you - right then - before he could lay his hands on you. Next time, you may wish to avoid a gathering where you know he'll show up, or you can come up with a strategy beforehand for dealing with him. I like what Fran Drescher used to do on the show The Nanny. When someone was getting in her space, she would raise her hand, palm out, in front of their face and say, "Talk to the hand". It is an effective strategy my wife learned from a T. It puts up a visible, physical boundary, that is well understood by the offending person.

More about memories and knowing:

Before I came to realize the abuse, I was miserable for 45 years and didn't know why. The point is, I was helpless to fix what I didn't know or understand. That's why I'm here; to learn as much as I can. I really don't want to know how badly my life was fucked up by the abuse, but I NEED to know or I'll never be able to fix it. As painful as I can see that the memories are, they may be a necessary part of healing - to know is to have the power to conquer.

I hope you will come to see how loving, brave and powerful you are - the way I see you.

I wish you peace for today and strength and wisdom for tomorrow.

Your brother on the journey,

Dave

 

[Nothing Man]

Keep yelling, Bluesky. Vent. Get it out of your system. And then you can resolve to never talk to those "people" again.

I understand how you feel, having been abused by a family member myself. Just let it out and know that you are supported here.

Mike

 

[AlexBoyd]

Bluesky,

That's a huge freaking memory to recover. I'm sorry. We are here to listen, and I think venting or ranting or raging...whatever you need to do...is perfectly understandable.

In addition to discovering that this cousin participated, I imagine it is equally disturbing to know that the two of them were there together with you. I experienced something somewhat similar and knowing that there was a joint effort (or conspiracy) to hurt me makes it that more ominous. For me, it also underlined the fact that I was powerless to defend myself.

You are no longer powerless, and your actions concerning the wedding show that. You took control of the situation. I second Dave's comments about your bravery. You are a strong man.

 

[gettingstronger]

Bluesky,

Ranting is good! You have every right to be upset. I'm both sorry and glad these memories are coming out-- sorry because they're so painful and glad because once they're out in the light, they can be dealt with.

I also admire your bravery in going to that wedding. I too have a toxic family, so I know something about being stuck in a room with people who don't mind hurting me. Please, be kind to yourself and know it's ok to be really, really angry. You did the right thing in putting up a boundary so that creep would leave you alone, and I thought you handled it really gracefully.

Bob

 

[bluesky]

Thanks to all of my brothers I feel more love and hope. I keep you informed as this storm pass.
Bluesky

 

[bluesky]

I thought this storm was passing but it has not it spinning me I am traped in the past the images of what happened just flash all day and night. I am trying to keep busy trying to stop and be in this moment but I keep silipping back its like the past is bleeding in to the present. I hate my self I started acting out with porn last night and I could not control my self. Afterwards I just could not believe what I did. I wanted to run I planed it all out was going to get in my car and go to friend of mine that lives in the woods in up state NY and just spare my wife from me and my problems. But I'm still here did not leave becouse I know that she loves me and that this is the best place I have. But it is hard to deal with all this. My problem is the seeming patern in my life of triggers that just come one after the other with out a brake. A few weeks ago I posted about what happened at the Drs then I had to deal with my therapist and me not connecting then in the middle of that I see a 7 year old boy being chased out of his house by his mother screaming at the top of her lungs like crazy lunatic. It was 20 out side and he had no shoes or coat on and was locked out of his home and the mother was yelling from insid the house and not letting him in. I was able to get him help but it fucked with my head I juast can't take the this feeling of being chased by shit by evil. I have hard time not thinking that I am in hell on this earth with the tees of a normal life being dangled befor me then just pulled away. I just want to hid and not deal with any thing. Let inertia take over and just not engage with the world any more it just full of hate and pain with evil sick fuckers. I ask God to help but he is not listening right know or I don't know. I just fucked.
Thanks to all I feel the light here in a painful place where we sooth the wounds of this existence.
Bluesky

 

[Bardo]

BLuesky,
I have no strategy to offer. Just my love and support and my belief that things can and will get better for you if you keep trying. Your efforts to save that little boy out in the cold were literally and figuratively heroic. You are a force for good in a world that is admittedly fucked up beyond belief. A simple act of loving kindness, reaching out to another in need, brings you grace. While the chaos swirls around us,that simple yet powerful act sets you apart from the chaos and above it. Rest in the quiet grace that your goodness and kindness have created. The storm will pass. We are here with you and you can count on us, always.

Freeman

 

[woodenshoes]

Bluesky

I feel your pain. I too have been triggered lately and like you been looking for a out. I am grounded and have a family that cares. Panic attacks coming back and doing havoc with the body. I am having issue with a nephew's wedding coming up this year and have expressed concern to my wife. She explained it not his fault. And we should attend. I don't think i can to many triggers there. I would be in the same place as you. All i can say is they get less and less. I hope your feeling better soon.

Woodenshoes

 

[concerned_husky]

Bluesky,

I wish I had something more positive to say, apart from the fact that I know what you mean. Something new seems to come up all the time, especially when you just need a break from everything. It's overwhelming. It's unfair. It sucks.

I hope you can find some time to rest and eventually re-energize.

We're here for you.

 

[lostc]

so sorry to hear about this man, go easy on yourself and try to take it as easy as you can. coincidentally there's a wedding coming up for me too which I'm anxious about.

 

[bluesky]

Thank you all for reaching out and for you genuine concern and caring. I am a bit better to day had a secession with my therapist and Im working through it. Feeling some relief.
Thank You
Bluesky