Memory Lane ***TRIGGERS***
I have spent today doing a lot of reading from old entries in my journals over the years. Some of what I read really surprised me; I discussed the same stuff, throughout. The same memories have always been there.
***TRIGGER***
I have a hard time calling it “sexual abuse.” But why? No touching? Well, there was slight touching. It’s true. My brother’s bottom to my face, and him and his friends making me touch one of them on their penis. I can dissect those moments as much as I want, and justify as much as I want (well it wasn't very long, etc...), but the truth is, it was touching. And there was a large age difference (6 years my brother) and definite power difference. And, I was coerced.
My brother did a lot of wrong stuff with me. He would watch p.orn with me. I only remember it a couple of times, and it wasn’t “hardcore,” but essentially, I was introduced to p.orn through my brother, or through a friend of his (he was friends with a much older boy named Jay growing up). The first time, I was four years old and it was a Playboy. It was in the context of one of these moments during a Friday the 13th movie (not “porn” but it was a pretty intense sexual scene) that he began to M/touch himself and told me to take off my clothes to do the same. Then, he had me watch him “get hard.” He was 16; I was 10. I had not discovered M myself yet. I didn’t know what it was. But, I knew what my brother *looked like.* He did that ALL THE TIME. He would strip his pants off and hold his dick up and make himself get hard while having me watch or while he held it up to my face as if taunting me. Then, he would always make fun of mine as I mimicked him. I was always the "girl," or the "fag" when he was mad at me.
And, I knew what my uncle *looked like.* I only have very fuzzy memories, but my brother and my uncle would chase me around the house with their penis out and put them in my face as they taunted me. He and my uncle are closer in age; my uncle is 11 years older than me. My brother did this throughout my childhood; he would also sometimes pull down his pants, and put his ass on my face. I can't remember the details.
Aside from these bullying tactics, he also was strangely affectionate with me. He would get me to “walk on his back” because it felt good, and then have me scratch his arms, hands, and fingers very gently with my fingers for twenty minutes at a time. Real slow, and light. Sometimes he would have me do his legs too. And he would do it back to me. We'd take turns. Whenever I would get scared and didn’t want to sleep upstairs by myself, he would stay up there with me as long as I scratched his back, legs, and bare ass with a knife. Don't know why, but he liked it with a knife, but he was very direct with how he wanted it. He didn't want it scratched lightly, he wanted it scratched hard. Sometimes, he would flip over and pull his pant legs up all the way to the crotch and have me scratch his front leg and thighs.
Every time I went to the bathroom, he would also spread my legs open and pee in between my legs whenever I was using the toilet. His penis was at eye/face level.
In some ways, the strangest and haziest memories of all are the ones of him inviting me into the bath when we were alone in the house. My parents left us alone together a lot even though I begged them not to leave me alone with him. I have no memory AT ALL of our time in the bathtub, but I do know that it happened a lot. And, I know that he was a 16 year old. I, being 10 or younger, had no idea how wrong this was.
I hated my brother. He was cruel to me. He would suffocate me with a pillow until I felt I would pass out; he rubbed dog shit in my hair. And, he nearly drowned me with a friend once. Why did he do these things? Why has he never said he was sorry? I know that I was a sensitive child, and a "pretty" little boy. I had white blonde, curly hair. I looked very girlish. Perhaps this elicited a reaction in him. I dunno.
I told my pastor only half of this stuff once. He said it was NOT at all normal. But is it "sexual abuse?" That’s an awfully strong word. If it’s not normal but it's not sexual abuse, what is it? I told my parents about this stuff once too; they shrugged it off as normal child/brother stuff.
And I have told the men here for years and years. And I still don't know what it is. Maybe it's one of my many obsessions due to my OCD? Will I ever have an answer that suffices?
Anyways; maybe EMDR will help me deal with these memories better.
Thanks for listening/reading.
***TRIGGER***
I have a hard time calling it “sexual abuse.” But why? No touching? Well, there was slight touching. It’s true. My brother’s bottom to my face, and him and his friends making me touch one of them on their penis. I can dissect those moments as much as I want, and justify as much as I want (well it wasn't very long, etc...), but the truth is, it was touching. And there was a large age difference (6 years my brother) and definite power difference. And, I was coerced.
My brother did a lot of wrong stuff with me. He would watch p.orn with me. I only remember it a couple of times, and it wasn’t “hardcore,” but essentially, I was introduced to p.orn through my brother, or through a friend of his (he was friends with a much older boy named Jay growing up). The first time, I was four years old and it was a Playboy. It was in the context of one of these moments during a Friday the 13th movie (not “porn” but it was a pretty intense sexual scene) that he began to M/touch himself and told me to take off my clothes to do the same. Then, he had me watch him “get hard.” He was 16; I was 10. I had not discovered M myself yet. I didn’t know what it was. But, I knew what my brother *looked like.* He did that ALL THE TIME. He would strip his pants off and hold his dick up and make himself get hard while having me watch or while he held it up to my face as if taunting me. Then, he would always make fun of mine as I mimicked him. I was always the "girl," or the "fag" when he was mad at me.
And, I knew what my uncle *looked like.* I only have very fuzzy memories, but my brother and my uncle would chase me around the house with their penis out and put them in my face as they taunted me. He and my uncle are closer in age; my uncle is 11 years older than me. My brother did this throughout my childhood; he would also sometimes pull down his pants, and put his ass on my face. I can't remember the details.
Aside from these bullying tactics, he also was strangely affectionate with me. He would get me to “walk on his back” because it felt good, and then have me scratch his arms, hands, and fingers very gently with my fingers for twenty minutes at a time. Real slow, and light. Sometimes he would have me do his legs too. And he would do it back to me. We'd take turns. Whenever I would get scared and didn’t want to sleep upstairs by myself, he would stay up there with me as long as I scratched his back, legs, and bare ass with a knife. Don't know why, but he liked it with a knife, but he was very direct with how he wanted it. He didn't want it scratched lightly, he wanted it scratched hard. Sometimes, he would flip over and pull his pant legs up all the way to the crotch and have me scratch his front leg and thighs.
Every time I went to the bathroom, he would also spread my legs open and pee in between my legs whenever I was using the toilet. His penis was at eye/face level.
In some ways, the strangest and haziest memories of all are the ones of him inviting me into the bath when we were alone in the house. My parents left us alone together a lot even though I begged them not to leave me alone with him. I have no memory AT ALL of our time in the bathtub, but I do know that it happened a lot. And, I know that he was a 16 year old. I, being 10 or younger, had no idea how wrong this was.
I hated my brother. He was cruel to me. He would suffocate me with a pillow until I felt I would pass out; he rubbed dog shit in my hair. And, he nearly drowned me with a friend once. Why did he do these things? Why has he never said he was sorry? I know that I was a sensitive child, and a "pretty" little boy. I had white blonde, curly hair. I looked very girlish. Perhaps this elicited a reaction in him. I dunno.
I told my pastor only half of this stuff once. He said it was NOT at all normal. But is it "sexual abuse?" That’s an awfully strong word. If it’s not normal but it's not sexual abuse, what is it? I told my parents about this stuff once too; they shrugged it off as normal child/brother stuff.
And I have told the men here for years and years. And I still don't know what it is. Maybe it's one of my many obsessions due to my OCD? Will I ever have an answer that suffices?
Anyways; maybe EMDR will help me deal with these memories better.
Thanks for listening/reading.