Memory Lane ***TRIGGERS***

Memory Lane ***TRIGGERS***

Bradley P

Registrant
I have spent today doing a lot of reading from old entries in my journals over the years. Some of what I read really surprised me; I discussed the same stuff, throughout. The same memories have always been there.

***TRIGGER***

I have a hard time calling it “sexual abuse.” But why? No touching? Well, there was slight touching. It’s true. My brother’s bottom to my face, and him and his friends making me touch one of them on their penis. I can dissect those moments as much as I want, and justify as much as I want (well it wasn't very long, etc...), but the truth is, it was touching. And there was a large age difference (6 years my brother) and definite power difference. And, I was coerced.

My brother did a lot of wrong stuff with me. He would watch p.orn with me. I only remember it a couple of times, and it wasn’t “hardcore,” but essentially, I was introduced to p.orn through my brother, or through a friend of his (he was friends with a much older boy named Jay growing up). The first time, I was four years old and it was a Playboy. It was in the context of one of these moments during a Friday the 13th movie (not “porn” but it was a pretty intense sexual scene) that he began to M/touch himself and told me to take off my clothes to do the same. Then, he had me watch him “get hard.” He was 16; I was 10. I had not discovered M myself yet. I didn’t know what it was. But, I knew what my brother *looked like.* He did that ALL THE TIME. He would strip his pants off and hold his dick up and make himself get hard while having me watch or while he held it up to my face as if taunting me. Then, he would always make fun of mine as I mimicked him. I was always the "girl," or the "fag" when he was mad at me.

And, I knew what my uncle *looked like.* I only have very fuzzy memories, but my brother and my uncle would chase me around the house with their penis out and put them in my face as they taunted me. He and my uncle are closer in age; my uncle is 11 years older than me. My brother did this throughout my childhood; he would also sometimes pull down his pants, and put his ass on my face. I can't remember the details.

Aside from these bullying tactics, he also was strangely affectionate with me. He would get me to “walk on his back” because it felt good, and then have me scratch his arms, hands, and fingers very gently with my fingers for twenty minutes at a time. Real slow, and light. Sometimes he would have me do his legs too. And he would do it back to me. We'd take turns. Whenever I would get scared and didn’t want to sleep upstairs by myself, he would stay up there with me as long as I scratched his back, legs, and bare ass with a knife. Don't know why, but he liked it with a knife, but he was very direct with how he wanted it. He didn't want it scratched lightly, he wanted it scratched hard. Sometimes, he would flip over and pull his pant legs up all the way to the crotch and have me scratch his front leg and thighs.

Every time I went to the bathroom, he would also spread my legs open and pee in between my legs whenever I was using the toilet. His penis was at eye/face level.

In some ways, the strangest and haziest memories of all are the ones of him inviting me into the bath when we were alone in the house. My parents left us alone together a lot even though I begged them not to leave me alone with him. I have no memory AT ALL of our time in the bathtub, but I do know that it happened a lot. And, I know that he was a 16 year old. I, being 10 or younger, had no idea how wrong this was.

I hated my brother. He was cruel to me. He would suffocate me with a pillow until I felt I would pass out; he rubbed dog shit in my hair. And, he nearly drowned me with a friend once. Why did he do these things? Why has he never said he was sorry? I know that I was a sensitive child, and a "pretty" little boy. I had white blonde, curly hair. I looked very girlish. Perhaps this elicited a reaction in him. I dunno.

I told my pastor only half of this stuff once. He said it was NOT at all normal. But is it "sexual abuse?" That’s an awfully strong word. If it’s not normal but it's not sexual abuse, what is it? I told my parents about this stuff once too; they shrugged it off as normal child/brother stuff.

And I have told the men here for years and years. And I still don't know what it is. Maybe it's one of my many obsessions due to my OCD? Will I ever have an answer that suffices?

Anyways; maybe EMDR will help me deal with these memories better.

Thanks for listening/reading.
 
Bradley,

I am struggling with the word abouse and if certain things were. I bathed with my parents growing up and though I don’t recal there being any sexual things I know as I got older I did enjoy it. I remember bath8ng with my dad and seeing his penis and it fascinating to me and at times he would have an erection. He never did things but did tell me all about sex. My mom was the same though I remover her hand resting near my penis. As I got older I would forget a towel on purpose so she would come in and dry me. I know I had erections as I was around 10 or so when I was doing this.

They did let me look at playboys and hustler when I was young like 7 or 8. I did find hardcore magazines which they knew but they just told me not to take them out of the house.

I am struggling with some memories of my grandfather as I know he touched me but I can’t really recall what all happened. My mom asked me when I was around 17 if he ever did things to me. That has bothered me for all these years. Why did she ask.

I was introduced to sex when I was 10 by my neighbors who were older and like my brothers. Our parents had been friends before we were born and bought land together and have been neighbors all these years. This part I am starting accept it was abound but I just still at times find myself trying to deny it as I don’t hate them. Yes some things were forced in a way but as I got older I found myself wanting to do it.

It is difficult for me as these are people that I care about. Not some stranger or where I was hurt physically and made to do things in a way. Yeah I am accepting that my parents should not have allowed me to look at porn as a child as now I have issues in using porn. They were to free about sexual things. I do not believe they meant harm.
 
Hi smichael,

I can totally and completely relate to what you have written. I've read some of your stuff before, and I feel that we have similar stories.

I think it's easy for others outside to see that things we experienced correlate to issues we may have today, but it's hard for us because we feel such guilt about our current issues, and feel that we must accept 100% responsibility.

Over the years, I have grown to accept the grey area in between NOT NORMAL and "sexual abuse." Clinically speaking, the things we have experienced are abusive. There's no question about it. Colloquially, or in layman's thinking though? Well, people who are uneducated about these things may not think "abuse" but will be able to understand that they are NOT NORMAL.

Sometimes, I feel like there should be another term for in between "NOT NORMAL" and "sexual abuse." When I hear sexual abuse, I think of rape, or explicit sexual touching/activity. The more covert type of abuse that I have experienced, though "light" touching was involved, and all the things were obviously inappropriate, I seem to be more comfortable calling them "violations."

Either way we look at it, they were NOT right. And they absolutely share in the responsibility for some of the paths we have taken and the current issues we struggle with.
 
Bradley,

I get exactly what you mean a gray area with this and when I hear sexual abuse I just think that’s not me. I also think the worst type of things when hearing sexual abuse. I know I am wrong to think that way and I am working to change my thinking.

I know it probably technically may have been especially with the neighbors. My parents though is not easy for me to see what they did as abuse.
 
No doubt in my mind - ABUSE!!!

I also read you other post about OCD. I was first put on medication for OCD when I was 8 or 9. Just letting you know I can relate.
 
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Oh wow! It's tough isn't it? Especially with abuse in our past. I literally feel like I live in a delusion--I don't know what's real and what's not anymore.
 
To me it’s my own internal debate. I think of things and go it was not right but then I feel my parents did not hurt me. I was never beating or did things with them. It the subtle things I wonder about. Did the want to cause me to become sexually aroused or did they think oh it’s all ok boy seeing porn to please curiousity.
 
Thanks James, and thank you for sharing!
 
Bradley, I really appreciate what you are saying about learning to think about a gray area when it comes to how adults affected children. I experienced sexual assault when I was an early teen, but that didn't mess me up nearly as much as some experiences I had when I was five years old. I am not ready to talk about those yet. They do start, though, with an adult continuing to leave out Playboy and Penthouse magazines for five-year-old children to access.
 
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