Memory-flashback bothering me, haunting me

Rick S.

Registrant
Yesterday and today, flashback of my mother (who incested me from toddlerhood on) bathing in the nude with my little brother. Felt like she was cheating on me. The sick bond she already assaulted me with, back when I was 1 or 2 yo, was really deep. Seeing her in the bathtub with my brother really hurt. What a sick mother.
 
The images/memories of my mother's traumatic behaviors came fleetingly over time and didn't really register as abuse when they first arrived. That is ironic given the fact that six year stint in therapy was all about trying to find the causes of my fucked-up life. I came to therapy believing it stemmed from sexual abuse but I couldn't find concrete evidence of what happened. Yes, my sexual abnormalities spoke of sexual abuse in the past, but where, how?

I came to an image of myself standing naked next to the bathtub after a bath. I was perhaps two years old. My mother was kneeling in front of me, the bath towel in her hand as she dried the front of my body. I have an erection and am filled with terror. Imagine how I interpreted that image when it came to mind. I didn't see a perpetrator in front of me, but rather a fucked up boy with an sexual obsession for his mother...

So yes Rick, the pieces come and resonate as they will. We're trying to put together a cogent picture of what happened and how it affected us. This is what the healing journey looks like. It took me almost thirty years to find what seems like an honest picture both of what happened when I was an infant and how I responded to it as a terrified child... the stuff of the hell realm I lived for the next 77 years. Important work we're doing Rick.
 

manipulated

Moderator
Staff member
Rick Flashbacks can be so intrusive and overwhelming. The panic attacks and mind racing made it impossible for me to function at times But - With the right T and the right therapy the flashbacks eased and I can took back my life. You can too.
 

KMCINVA

Registrant
Rick

Flashbacks are triggered from memories, words or actions of others, smells, taste and are interconnected with PTSD. They can be overwhelming, debilitating and destructive. However, facing the past, talking about the flashbacks will help to free you. It is important you live in a place that people or location are triggers. Many survivors have and the consequences can impede healing. I had them for many years, I remember having a flashback yelling and people in the home were making spooky noises which compounded the impact. I dissociated that night and wandered in a blizzard to DC, 40 miles away. How I got there I do not know, I ended up in the hospital. Then I was triggered in the hospital by a very disturbing telephone call. I tell you this to stress the importance of learning about your triggers, what triggers you, how to cope with your triggers (which is a journey you can only undertake with T and support groups). I only tell you some of my story so you can avoid the mistakes I made.

I hope you are seeing a therapist, support groups. Please reach out for we are here for you.

Kevin
 

Rick S.

Registrant
The right T?
Thanks so much. The big flashbacks, which I reported some weeks ago, have ceased for now. I have a new T, as well, which so far is working out well. My T has recommended several strategies, which I am beginning to explore. She wants me to think about forgiving my mother. That is hard for me to accept, for she did such terrible damage to my psyche, personality, and life in general. Not ready to forgive her, not yet.
 
Top