memory burst
well this wasn't what I expected to come, but it was a welcome rush of feelings. A breakthrough of sorts. Like a thunderbolt today I was transported back to being 13, living with the perp and for the first time accepted and remembered exactly what was going through my mind; terror, hurt and betrayal from my mother. Okay, not surprising or detailed in terms of events, but a big leap forward for me. I realized how much of those feelings from that time that I was supressing and carrying into my adult day to day in the way of displaced anger, paranoia and irrational fears of abandonment and abuse.
Now it's easier for me to separate then and now and that;s a huge help. I was so bottled up back then. Mister happy-face achiever who couldn't show his feelings of pain and vulnerability to my mother or the perp. A-holes. oops, more anger. Not displaced though
Wow, there's a lot of anger coming up. I should just jump and go think about it. But it's a good breakthrough - a solid connect with the sad broken child within. Boy is he pissed.
Okay screw it here's what he's saying:
I want to go home but my mom won't take me. I'm trapped, terrified, molested, I need help. I have none. There's NO ONE I can turn to. I'm alone and I can;t deal with this. It's hell. I'm so so so scared and miserable and alone. I have to keep going and going and going and make everybody happy to survive. I'm just living to survive. It hurts worse than anything. worse than the physical abuse. so I'll stick with that. What else is there. Why did my own mother and father abandon me? Am I that bad? I guess so. I'm a lying, neurotic, stealing and sexually degenerate person. Well fuck them. I'll go it alone.
Well I'm there for this kid now. Really there. And in some ways so are all of you. He feels safer coming out into the light. one day at a time.
lol to all out there.
-al
Now it's easier for me to separate then and now and that;s a huge help. I was so bottled up back then. Mister happy-face achiever who couldn't show his feelings of pain and vulnerability to my mother or the perp. A-holes. oops, more anger. Not displaced though
Wow, there's a lot of anger coming up. I should just jump and go think about it. But it's a good breakthrough - a solid connect with the sad broken child within. Boy is he pissed.
Okay screw it here's what he's saying:
I want to go home but my mom won't take me. I'm trapped, terrified, molested, I need help. I have none. There's NO ONE I can turn to. I'm alone and I can;t deal with this. It's hell. I'm so so so scared and miserable and alone. I have to keep going and going and going and make everybody happy to survive. I'm just living to survive. It hurts worse than anything. worse than the physical abuse. so I'll stick with that. What else is there. Why did my own mother and father abandon me? Am I that bad? I guess so. I'm a lying, neurotic, stealing and sexually degenerate person. Well fuck them. I'll go it alone.
Well I'm there for this kid now. Really there. And in some ways so are all of you. He feels safer coming out into the light. one day at a time.
lol to all out there.
-al
