Memory and reaction

Memory and reaction
L

Larrymat

Registrant
Putting many memories and reactions to them together, my therapist finally laid it on the line for me Tuesday as I whined about was it real or was it fantasy. She said your mother violated most every boundary and conditioned you to be feminine and more notably a victim. The male boarder was a pedophile and he took advantage of you in every way possible when you were only 9 or 10. Plus, I'm burdened with guilt that just crushes any normal sexuality in the long run. And, in my gut, I recognize what she told me to be true. And even now part of me wants to cay no, no it's all me, I'm just wired wrong! Yet my reaction is something I still can't control. I can't tell my wife i'm in therapy and we have zero sex for going on 13 years. I stop at the adult theater and make myself available to all the guys. I go online with one or two special buddies who tap into my kink/guilt/fear/eroticism and I do things I never thought I'd do to myself. Memories are constantly in my mind, I'm looking for my buddies online, and if I don't find them I'll head to the theater or let myself punish myself. I know, memories still pop up (if they're real!), I kinda accept, but those urges are still so overwhelming.
 
Larrymat,

Congratulations on getting that out on paper! That took some guts to type out, I'm willing to bet.

I don't think for a second that you're wired wrong. I think you're a perfectly normal, healthy man who is dealing as best he can with some seriously crippling wounds! Who's to say you're not normal? Someone who hasn't been through what you've been through?

As for the guilt; it was not your fault.
It was NOT your fault.
It was not YOUR fault.

For what it's worth, I think you're a hero for making it through as far as you have. I think you're brave to writing here. And I think you're strong for facing your wounds and seeking help.

I read your post and it seems obvious to me that you want to be a good husband, and a good man. And that desire tells me that, at heart, you already are.

If you ever need to vent or talk, feel free to PM me. If not, keep on posting! I haven't found anything but caring and support here, and I don't think you will either.
 
Thanks, but I hardly feel like a hero. Today I wanted to get that feeling of shame or eroticism or whatever the hell it is soo bad and didn't find what I needed. Is that from what happened? It seems so difficult to blame my behavior on that. I guess I stil have the guilt that somehow it was me, that somehow maybe mom started something, but definitely after that it was me..some aura that drew him to me and that I didn't resist. Anyhow, thanks.

Larry
 
Larry,

I don't take back what I said about how I feel 'bout ya. The courage to wrestle through this stuff makes anyone a hero in my book.

As far as it being your fault, you said, "it was me". Just this monday one of my own T's was talking about 'sexual imprinting'. You said that your mom started it, and after that it was you. But where did you get the idea for what you did later? Didn't you get it from the abuse? So was it really "all you", or were you doing what guys here describe as "Acting Out", a way of reacting to what was done to you?

-Triggers-

I think about bullies on a school playground. As I grew up, I learned so many of them had to watch their own parents get beaten, or their brothers or sisters slapped around. They were just kids. What other way were they supposed to know other than what they saw?

I don't know. Those are just one man's thoughts.

But I do know for sure that talking things out and thinking them through is an admirable and great thing. Keep on keeping on!
 
Larrymat:
You're not alone. I will be married 21 years next month and I can't remember that last time we had sex. I haven't acted on my desires and fantasies, so I've gotten peptic ulcers, high blood press., etc. The body reacts one way or the other.
Pls read some of my other postings as I am wrestling with very similar issues. No matter who or what you are deserves kindness, gentleness and patience - things you weren't given as a child.
Your wife HAS to know that something's up. When you've lived with someone long enough, it's hard not to know if something is wrong. If I were in your situation, I would discuss with my T how to approach my wife about what I'm going thru. I'm not passing any judgement on your actions but rather posing a question of whether or not its fair for her and what's best for the both of you and your individual health. That may end up staying married and negotiating what's acceptable to each of you OR it may mean going your separate ways and parting friends. I don't know the answer to that question.
Are your activities compulsive? Have you explored meds with your T?
You asked about blaming your behavior on what happened. IMHO, I believe that it's a perfectly reasonable reaction to what happened to you. You were taught at a very early age to sexualize yourself. Once you recognize what you are doing, then you now have a choice as to how you want to deal with it. I'm not saying this is easy - I go thru periods where I could rip the walls down from the sexual energy. Then I get severely depressed. But, I've made a choice not to act on any desires that would hurt my wife - for 21 years she has proven to be the ONE person in my life who I can trust will not betray me.
I"m sure that there are times that you are able to "step back" and look at your actions objectively. You've proven it by writing to this message board. Take advantage of that time and make a "burdens/benefits" list. One time a therapist told me that it's important to look at what the emotional payoff is for a particular behavior (good or bad).
Once we uncover what we are doing and be as honest as we can be about it, then we can make our choices.
I hope that I make some sense and that you know I understand the struggle that you're going thru. have lived my life (and still do) wondering what "pigeon hole" (gay or straight or bi) I fit into and what I want to do about it.
Keep writing and feel free to PM me if you have any specific questions about my struggles that I can answer for U.

Sophiesdad
 
Thanks again, fellows. Today, and maybe cause it's early in my realization and my battle, I don't honestly know at this minute what I want. Do I want to recover? What is recovery? This sex life, as disgusting as it is, is all I've known. It feels like normal in some ways, though I guess just my searching and frustration shoiuld show me it isn't. Just a very anxious day I guess. Apologize for whining, especially taking up room on the board. Thanks all.
Larry
 
Try this link to Jim Hopper, he knows a bit,

https://www.jimhopper.com/memory/
 
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