Memories of Abuse Were Repressed
sixtieskid
Registrant
I was abused by an older brother from ages 4 - 9 (he was 8 years older). For most of my life I didn't know about it as I had blocked it out of my mind through repression, denial and/or repercussions from being raised Christian Scientist where problems were not talked about or resolved and sex education didn't exist. There were some pretty big signs, though. As I started to listen to my feelings, dreams and notice the way i reacted to different people I started to piece together what happened and I'm still in the process. The most telling thing when I started to explore this was that I didn't remember doing anything with this brother prior to age ~12 and yet my siblings and mother told me about a number of things I had done (riding a motorcycle, exploring around the neighborhood together) during those earlier years. I didn't have a clue about this until my brother died some years ago. I thought I was dealing with grief but after one divorce and losing 3 jobs it became clear something was seriously wrong. I've been in therapy for over 10+ years and it has been a gradual process of discovering things, then sometimes not believing myself, then dreaming really vivid dreams about places and events. A recent therapist suggested I start writing things down including events and relationships in the family that I DID know about...including the dreams. Once I started drawing dreams on paper (I now have 3 - 6 dreams each night that I can remember the next morning--I'm sure there are lots lots more but those are the ones I can remember) I started to make connections with my childhood events. The most vivid dream images were related to the family reunion we had when I was about 4 years old. Once I started drawing out these images on paper I started recognizing what they were...boating on a lake, flying in an airline, landing at a west coast airport...all from the perspective of a 4-year old. I had years and years of very vivid dreams about packing a suitcase, traveling on a jet, being on a precarious motorcycle...all from the perspective of a 4-year-old...very scared and confused. This was when the abuse first started. It is amazing how clever the human brain can be in terms of hanging on to information yet how distorted the info can be if it is from our younger years. I came to find out later that not only did I hang out with him, he was essentially in charge of taking care of me (well, THAT didn't go very well).
I still don't have specific vivid memories of the abuse events (maybe that's a good thing?) but after putting together the many clues, my gradeschool behavior, my thoughts about my brother, interactions with my brother that are documented, it has become pretty clear what happened. The hardest part for me to deal with was realization that after the initial events I went back to him for more interaction. I know in my adult mind (from lots of therapy) that kids can feel stimulation and like the attention but not know what it means and yet go back to the "devil you know". My brother knew no boundaries and my parents were very permissive while my brother (8 years older than me) was forming his identity and self image. He played and experimented. It looks like he may have been "played with" himself at age 12 at a CS camp and that this started the chain of events.
But knowing that we had "a relationship" for me feels worse than thinking about a perpetrator victimizing me. It seems some days like it must be an integral part of me or even partly in my nature (I have pictures of myself at that time looking pretty feminine with a brooding, withdrawn expression) yet I don't want to identify with it. They say it doesn't have to define you but it's hard not to have 5 years of it become a "piece" of you.
For the longest time the abuse made decisions for me unbeknownst to me. I would react negatively to authority, a tall, big male would give me feelings of either being unsafe or the converse...I would be drawn to them. Sometimes I was drawn to large, oafish guys who ended up being really poor friends. I had no idea what was driving me in those years.
The strange part is now that I know and understand the events (well, I'll never really understand them but at least I know about them) I feel a little more centered and "true to myself"...yet I am less functional. I was fired from my last job 9 months ago and haven't been able to get and hold steady work since then. I keep telling myself there's light at the end of the tunnel but after not working and winding up in financial woes I start to question if it might have been better to have left the whole thing alone. I seemed more "functional" when I didn't know consciously and was just "reacting" to situations without knowing why even though at that time I was a shell of a man in huge denial. Now that I think about it I really am glad I'm moving forward but I have to say it has been very, very difficult.
Ah, well, I have to say, deep down, I'm glad I know and am going through recovery but it has been the toughest 10 years of my life. I have two kids and have always been very careful with them to respect their personal boundaries and also make sure to keep clear boundaries in the home. And they are happy and healthy teenagers now. But I have to really, really work to to make sure the sadness, anger and depression that I sometimes feel about the the early years spill over onto them. They are just the most awesome two kids on the planet and I would do absolutely ANYTHING for them. I like to think they'll be OK....
Thanks for reading. Your comments are appreciated.
SixtiesKid
I still don't have specific vivid memories of the abuse events (maybe that's a good thing?) but after putting together the many clues, my gradeschool behavior, my thoughts about my brother, interactions with my brother that are documented, it has become pretty clear what happened. The hardest part for me to deal with was realization that after the initial events I went back to him for more interaction. I know in my adult mind (from lots of therapy) that kids can feel stimulation and like the attention but not know what it means and yet go back to the "devil you know". My brother knew no boundaries and my parents were very permissive while my brother (8 years older than me) was forming his identity and self image. He played and experimented. It looks like he may have been "played with" himself at age 12 at a CS camp and that this started the chain of events.
But knowing that we had "a relationship" for me feels worse than thinking about a perpetrator victimizing me. It seems some days like it must be an integral part of me or even partly in my nature (I have pictures of myself at that time looking pretty feminine with a brooding, withdrawn expression) yet I don't want to identify with it. They say it doesn't have to define you but it's hard not to have 5 years of it become a "piece" of you.
For the longest time the abuse made decisions for me unbeknownst to me. I would react negatively to authority, a tall, big male would give me feelings of either being unsafe or the converse...I would be drawn to them. Sometimes I was drawn to large, oafish guys who ended up being really poor friends. I had no idea what was driving me in those years.
The strange part is now that I know and understand the events (well, I'll never really understand them but at least I know about them) I feel a little more centered and "true to myself"...yet I am less functional. I was fired from my last job 9 months ago and haven't been able to get and hold steady work since then. I keep telling myself there's light at the end of the tunnel but after not working and winding up in financial woes I start to question if it might have been better to have left the whole thing alone. I seemed more "functional" when I didn't know consciously and was just "reacting" to situations without knowing why even though at that time I was a shell of a man in huge denial. Now that I think about it I really am glad I'm moving forward but I have to say it has been very, very difficult.
Ah, well, I have to say, deep down, I'm glad I know and am going through recovery but it has been the toughest 10 years of my life. I have two kids and have always been very careful with them to respect their personal boundaries and also make sure to keep clear boundaries in the home. And they are happy and healthy teenagers now. But I have to really, really work to to make sure the sadness, anger and depression that I sometimes feel about the the early years spill over onto them. They are just the most awesome two kids on the planet and I would do absolutely ANYTHING for them. I like to think they'll be OK....
Thanks for reading. Your comments are appreciated.
SixtiesKid
