Memories and no emotion

I don't understand this. Memories of my first rape by my step-father. A screaming child. Beating at the wall because of the pain. And the last time I remember. Passive, not resisting. Watching him wash off in a wash basin near the door. And getting back into bed, holding me against his chest. No emotion. None now about the memories.

What is this? Why can't I feel anything about this?

 

[EGL]

Hi Marc,

It sounds like to me that you've numbed yourself to the memories because they are so painful. What you described are horribly traumatizing episodes, and I would think that a person could go either way with the memories: (1) have deep, deep emotion over them to the point of being paralyzed by them, or (2) being so traumatized by them that the mind can't even let you feel emotion about them.

So very sorry you went through this, really am. But the fact that you're here proves that you are a Survivor in the true sense of the word.

 

[Leosha]

You were probably in shock at the time. And remembering it now, it is different shock to you, and to your body and mind. The emotions, they will come when you and your brain are ready to handle them. Even if YOU are feeling it is possible right now, there is some safety thing that is telling you 'no' right now. It will come, as will everything, when it is right and ready. Meantime, take good care of yourself.

Leosha