Members who are hostile towards survivors of female abuse

I'd like to ask that if you're not a survivor of female sexual abuse, you don't post here, you don't report threads, you leave us alone.

There are a few members here who find almost all women to be pretty much perfect in everything they do, and come to this area - I can only assume - looking to report threads or stir up problems. Everyone, I can assure you that women can absolutely be just as shitty to people as men can. But if we aren't allowed to point this out, and we aren't afforded the same chances to ask questions about our kind of abuse that the rest of the board gets, then why have this section at all?

It is plainly unacceptable for us to not be allowed to talk about our abuse the same way that everyone who was abused by men can everywhere else on these boards. Yet one more thread here has bit the dust. Frankly, it's no wonder that this section of the board is underutilized, because we're not permitted to say much of anything that might possibly somehow be perceived as anti-female - which, by the way, it almost never is. It's interesting, because although there's almost no misogyny here in the female abuse section, no matter what members who are not female abuse survivors may think, the rest of the board is full of misandry and even homophobia, which is apparently A-OK.

Women aren't perfect. Women can be just as evil, as malicious, as violent, and as abusive as men. But apparently we aren't allowed to say that because of certain members' feelings. So what's the point of even having a section for us?
 
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Dewey2k

Moderator
Staff member
To be clear, the post you are referring to was originated by a member who is not registered as a survivor, and should not have posted in this forum. Furthermore, a post such as this, requesting information from survivors, should be addressed to the BOD for approval per the guidelines. Since the originator is not themselves a survivor, and did not supply a justification as to why the information is needed, the thread was locked.

Having said that, this forum is exclusively for male survivors of female sexual abuse. No one else should be posting in this forum except in support. If anyone outside of this group denigrates or lessens the experiences of those survivors, please report the post to the moderator team for action.

Please message me directly with any questions you may have, and I will address it as I am able.

Dewey2k for the Modteam
 
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This thread provides good information. @Strangeways Your observations about female nature are correct. We live in a day and time that the Golden Vagina is the cause du Jour. It is now politically and socially incorrect to hold women accountable. The crux of the matter is:
- women want everything
- without the responsibilities
- without being held accountable

I am a survivor of CSA age 4. One of my abusers was a woman of good standing in the community and church.
 
Thanks for speaking up for all of us Strange... and thanks Dewey for clarifying what happened. I missed the thread and the exchange, probably because I took a short holiday from MS. My first abuser was a woman, my mother. It took me a lifetime to acknowledge the truth of what happened and how it affected me. No, my mother was not evil incarnate. I think it would be a mistake to assume that about anyone, though I know there are psychopaths who can do great harm and from what I've read on this website, there are perpetrators so broken they create horrific suffering. We're here to heal those places within ourselves that were damaged. And yes, women are perpetrators and it is important to have a place to tell the truth about that. Acknowledging that reality is part of our healing. I was so pleased when I discovered this forum is present on MS. Thanks to everyone who participates in these conversations.
 

Jacob S

Registrant
At the same time, I was abused by my mother and the fact that these conversations so quickly turn into rants about what is and isn't politically correct keep me from wanting to talk about it here (and its not to protect her. She's a monster and I look forward to her death). I do believe we live in a rape culture, I don't believe women are idolized, I believe that feminism has been good for society and that exploitation of children by men and women is a part of the hierarchial power structure that the vast majority of feminist thought wants to help us bring down. I'm not here to argue about that, but when I come to this forum I feel like I'm being continually asked to buy into a lot of things I don't believe just to participate. Pushing these "women want everything" overgeneralizations drives away any survivor who doesn't agree. It's selfish to make this forum about politics like that.
 
I agree Jacob. This is really all about our healing. Being able to speak honestly about what happened is critical to the work we're doing. We've spent a lifetime NOT telling the truth, sometimes not even knowing the truth because it was too painful to bear. Blessedly, I've not been confronted on this forum as I've explored what happened with my mother, though those memories are not continually haunting me, so I'm not grappling with them day by day.

And for the record Jacob. I told friends who attempted to comfort me after my mother died that I planned on flying to the funeral with a wooden stake. I was happy when she died and I stayed at the graveside so I could watch dirt shoveled on her casket... so I know how you feel. Even if she wasn't evil incarnate, the damage she caused devastated my life.
 
I do believe we live in a rape culture, I don't believe women are idolized, I believe that feminism has been good for society and that exploitation of children by men and women is a part of the hierarchial power structure that the vast majority of feminist thought wants to help us bring down.
We can (and do) disagree about many things on this board. I would never want people to stop posting because we disagree about these things. The problem comes in when we're disallowed from calling out women for their patterns of abuse in the same way that men are called out everyplace else on these boards.

My ex-wife, the person who physically and sexually abused me, called herself a feminist. I feel like that's an important point for me to make. We obviously want to make the point that not every feminist is an abuser, in the same way that not every priest or boy scout leader is an abuser. But we also can't hold up feminists, or any other group, to be above reproach when deserved, which is what has been happening here. However, I think the mod team is doing a much better job with this lately.
 

Dewey2k

Moderator
Staff member
Everyone's experiences are valid here. It is necessarily so even if ones own interpretation is different than another's about the nature of the abuser.

We are all here for the same reason: someone abused us. IMO, that should be the focus, and as Strangeways said,
We obviously want to make the point that not every feminist is an abuser, in the same way that not every priest or boy scout leader is an abuser. But we also can't hold up feminists, or any other group, to be above reproach when deserved, which is what has been happening here. (emphasis mine)
Discussion is great. Talking about healing is great. Dissecting another's experience to somehow debunk, disprove, or otherwise invalidate another's abuse is not welcome, and pains should be taken to allow others to express their thoughts, even if one personally disagrees with them. Focus on what we have in common.
 
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Gents:
One of my abusers, CSA age 4, was a woman. A major part of my recovery is to openly and honestly deal with the truth - "she" abused me. I was an innocent four year old little boy. How am I to fully recover if I am not allowed to hold my abuser accountable simply because she is of a protected species - woman? But it is acceptable for me to hold the "man" who abused me accountable simply because he's a man.

Does that mean none of us can hold our abusers accountable because they too are a protected species?

This abusive attitude is the primary reason I was not able to begin my recovery much earlier in life. I tried speaking of her abuse but was castigated and banned from speaking of it. They (family, T, doctors) said I lied. They honestly believed women were beyond doing such a hideous crime against a 4 year old boy.

I refuse to go back into the abyss of silence.
 

Dewey2k

Moderator
Staff member
Larry, I'm sorry if my post confused things.

You are absolutely correct to hold your abuser accountable. In this, there are no protected species, and you should not be silent.
 
Larry, I'm sorry if my post confused things.

You are absolutely correct to hold your abuser accountable. In this, there are no protected species, and you should not be silent.
Your post did not confuse me. Evidently, I was still typing mine when you posted yours so there was some lag time. Your comment and wisdom are very appropriate and most helpful to me.
 

Jacob S

Registrant
"
women want everything
- without the responsibilities
- without being held accountable"

this isn't about an abuser and it isn't about a specific individual. It's about 50% of the world's population and its saying things that would be considered bigoted if it was about any other group. Let's hold abusers accountable. Not cast broad aspirations on everyone. That's the kind of stuff that makes me feel like I'm being asked to have a political position in order to participate.
 

Jacob S

Registrant
We can (and do) disagree about many things on this board. I would never want people to stop posting because we disagree about these things. The problem comes in when we're disallowed from calling out women for their patterns of abuse in the same way that men are called out everyplace else on these boards.

My ex-wife, the person who physically and sexually abused me, called herself a feminist. I feel like that's an important point for me to make. We obviously want to make the point that not every feminist is an abuser, in the same way that not every priest or boy scout leader is an abuser. But we also can't hold up feminists, or any other group, to be above reproach when deserved, which is what has been happening here. However, I think the mod team is doing a much better job with this lately.

My mother calls herself a Christian and believes feminists are of the Devil. I agree that no group should be considered incapable of having abusers. Absolutely the opposite. And I do believe that some feminists let themselves believe that only men can rape. But I also believe that just like people pervert Christianity to rationalize their own bad behavior, so can anything. I do think we need to work together to make sure victims are allowed to speak no matter who or where they are.
 
But I also believe that just like people pervert Christianity to rationalize their own bad behavior, so can anything. I do think we need to work together to make sure victims are allowed to speak no matter who or where they are.
I agree with you that we need to tread carefully and not open a new front in the wider, useless gender war.

On the other hand, as you say in the part of the quote I highlighted above, us guys with female perps should also be allowed to share our feelings and our anger in exactly the same way everyone else on the boards does. Anti-female feelings here in this section of the boards isn't a political thing - it's an abuse thing.

Of course all people of group X aren't abusers. But it takes time and conversation to realize that sometimes. That's why we're here. @Jacob S, I'd recommend that you either ignore messages you don't agree with or *gently* push back against such messages.
 
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Jacob S

Registrant
Anti-female feelings here in this section of the boards isn't a political thing - it's an abuse thing.
See that's what I'm saying though. If I came on here and said Christians were all monsters who want to avoid responsibility, I would be (rightly) told I was being overbroad. Even though all my abusers were christians. So I can have anti-christian feelings, but I've seen people moderated for saying the kind of things about religious groups that people here say about women. And no one pushed back gently, it was just outright shut down. What I'm really asking for is across the board consistency when it comes to this.

And, I'm putting this as gently as I can, telling someone to ignore something is very similar to telling someone ot keep quiet, which I know is something neither of us like to be told. I could just as easily ask you to ignore "members here who find almost all women to be pretty much perfect," but I would never do that because you have a right to be heard. I'm asking the same for me.
 

Dewey2k

Moderator
Staff member
Everyone's experiences are valid here. It is necessarily so even if ones own interpretation is different than another's about the nature of the abuser.

Discussion is great. Talking about healing is great. Dissecting another's experience to somehow debunk, disprove, or otherwise invalidate another's abuse is not welcome, and pains should be taken to allow others to express their thoughts, even if one personally disagrees with them. Focus on what we have in common.
This forum is for working on issues resulting from being abused by a female. Other survivors are welcome to post in support of survivors. Other posts invalidating their experiences are not allowed. Political discussions such as this are not appropriate in this public forum.
 
This forum is for working on issues resulting from being abused by a female. Other survivors are welcome to post in support of survivors. Other posts invalidating their experiences are not allowed. Political discussions such as this are not appropriate in this public forum.
@Dewey2k - I'm not quite sure who this is directed at.

I'm always going to be in favor of guys here in this section being able to say whatever they need to say about women ... because there are plenty of us who can and do understand how they feel, can validate their feelings, and hopefully can also help them understand that their experience doesn't mean that ALL women are a certain way, any more than all members of any other group are a certain way.

It's something all of us men abused by women have to go through, I'm afraid. Muzzling guys for their opinions isn't going to help them heal.
 
It probably started out being an argument! :D
Now, however, I think it's turned into a useful discussion. Thanks for being understanding.
 
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