Meltdown

Meltdown
B

Bobby

Registrant
And now it is time to watch my meltdown. I am unbelievably sorry that I wrote my last post. With it I told my deepest and my darkest secret and I can't believe the affect it has had on me. I am totally wiped out by fear...I think fear that I'll be judged. The only thing that I can think is that my shame must go so deep with this that I have already judged myself. What I don't want is anyone trying to make me feel better because I am in pain. I'm not in pain. This is much different. I feel like I can never face anyone again. I can never wash this one off. This one has gone to the heart of this whole matter. I didn't know what I was going to write when I started. I never intended to keep that whole thing a secret. There are certain things I know I have to do to heal and bleeding all of the poison out is one of them. I had no idea how deep this poison went. I have discussed it before, but only with my t and with my close family. They forgive easily.
This goes right to the center of the problem doesn't it? This goes right to the damage they have done. It's not enough that they have taken advantage of our bodies, destroyed our trust. They have forever robbed us of ourselves.
I thought that it was all over and that I had overcome what was an obvious reaction to what my father did to me. Intellectually it all makes sense. But this is not an intellectual crime. If it were, there would be no Male Survivor and no need for one. I haven't forgiven myself, have I? It's not that I'm afraid of what you think of me. You are kind and caring and understanding. My abuse and my response to it can be intellectual to you as yours can be to me. But I have to forgive myself...and I haven't...not there I haven't...not where my shame lives...not where I tell myself over and over every day how awful I am.
I am so sorry I told you. I am so ashamed of myself. I'm not who I thought I was. How do you climb out of this? Where do you go to forget? Who do you find to tell you that it was all perfectly natural? It wasn't, was it? He got me on a level I can't get to. He destroyed me on a level that I can't find.
And that's why I am alone. That's why I am buried so deep. I still believe what he said to me. The things he did to my body, destroyed my soul. I see him. I feel him. I feel my despair and I feel the life slipping out of me...going away to hide. What is left is a body. A blow up doll that he can use any way he sees fit. There is no ego there. I died.
And now I've said the thing out loud. The thing that no one was ever meant to hear. The thing that will never leave my mind. And the sin didn't have to be that I did it. The sin was bad enough that my body reacted. God, what did he do to me?
And I don't know what I'm asking here. I don't know what I'm saying here. I only know that somewhere way down deep, a part of me shivers and waits for you to scream at me the truth that I never want to hear...the final horror.
And I see you all standing over me the way he stood over me and I hear you yelling at me the things he yelled at me, and I believe you as I believed him...and I never was me, ever again.
And just when you thought you were getting better.... I'm so sorry, guys. I really am. I can't put this one together.
 
Our bodies and minds are strange things Bobby, mysteries really. Our bodies' will react to things in unexpected ways sometimes. Don't beat yourself up about it. I don't think you'll find this is a place where the guys will jump all over you and rush to judgement. Having said that, I will repeat what I said in a reply to your earlier posting, I am relieved that you have had counselling and therapy to work this stuff through. It sounds like you enjoy your family and have a loving relationship with your children. God bless you all. Peace, Andrew
 
Hi Bobby,

I am not judging you nor yelling at you. I can say that it took me some time to figure out how I felt about your post, but I am clear about it now. I admire your integrity, honesty and bravery.

An awful person would not have written that, and awful person would not be searching themselves for the truth, awful people do not show their daemons as you have. Break the secrecy and heal the shame, a 12 step saying your secrets keep you sick let them out, painful as it is. Yours bodies reaction is only that a reaction you couldnt stop that, its not your shame. For that you dont need forgiveness, forgiveness is only for actions, an erection is not an action. Its an indication of how hurt and damaged you were, nothing else. I imagine how hard this must feel, that your body had that reaction. But THATS NOT YOUR FAULT. Thats all the yelling I want to do.

My greatest dread is that I am like my father in any way, that the poison he put in me has made me as poisonous as him and his mother. With no credit to me that has not happened, as I write that there is an abusive voice in my head, his internalised voice whispering you are the same as me, just as bad. Abuse does not turn us into lovely people with healthy sexualities we have to heal and climb out of the cesspit they left us in. We can do that and you are doing it, its awful but your honesty will see you through.

Please dont beat yourself up be kind and gentle to yourself. Nothing that you have shared here tells me that you are awful, you are brave and honest thanks for that.

Take care,

Rustam.
 
Bobby now listen good to what I have to say. There is no need to feel shame or guilt at having told us. What is there to condemn. You told us like it is and we respect that. There is not one single person here who thinks less of you.

Bobby you needed to unburden and it is done. What we have is a whole bunch of shoulders for you to lean on ok. It was terrifying for you to unburden yourself. But by god you did it. And that is what we are all about here.

A knowledge that we share your pain and each of us have a story to tell that is hidden so deep that the sun never shines there. But, to a large extent, we have done what you have done. And lightning did not strike any of us down.

I have a good friend who is a survivor too. He is a young man of around 30 or so. He has a principle that he lives by. He calls it THOR

T. Be true to yourself and who you are.

H. Be honest with yourself and others you trust

O. Be open with yourserlf and others you trust

R. Be real.

I think Bobby that you subscribe to that also.

It is a privilege to know you SIR.
 
We are here to listen to you Bobby, you've held this in for years and now you have the chance to get it out.

Your voice shall set you free.
 
Bobby - I haven't even read the other responses! I'm not standing over you, I'm sitting next to you - we are all in this together, believe me there are better times ahead.

My friends keep asking me what my favourite songs / albums are (I like rock music) - I find it difficult to answer if I had to name my number 1. I always gravitate towards the same album though when I think about it - I'm typing here now, but I'm playing 'Never Turn Your Back on a Friend' by 'Budgie' a band from Wales in the UK. One track from the album is 'Breadfan' as covered by Metallica. Think about it - 'Never Turn Your Back on a Friend' - it has 2 meanings. 1/ Never let someone down that is close to you. 2/ Watch out who you trust - enemies come in many guises.

Song Titles are:*brackets are my comments
Breadfan - people who only care about money.
Baby Please Don't Go - *think most people have heard this (could be wrong)
You Know I'll Always Love You (can we be loved).
You're the biggest thing since powdered milk (that's what my abuser told me).
In the grip of a tyre fitters hand (lazy bastard didn't even work, unless he was working young boys).
Riding my nightmare (quite a positive song really).
Parents - we never got the chance to put our emotions across this way - hope they are somewhere now where they can understand why I was so distant.

Music can help - even if your tastes are really different from mine.

Lifes out there - take it....Rik :)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top