Melancholia today

[Aden]

There is nothing I would like more from life than to be loved and accepted. I have never really felt loved since the abuse started. My trust in people is too small to allow for love. The best I have ever been able to achieve is temporary affection.

What I know in my childish heart is that love is a passing thing based on conditions of cooperation. If you get too grumpy or need to much, love goes away. That is just how people are. When you fall, when you really fall hard, you fall alone. No one will be there to catch you when the low point is rushing up to meet you. They see it coming and everyone leaves.

Well, that is how it has always been. What else could I possibly believe when that is all I have ever seen. I doubt that I could be convinced that there is any other way for it to be. It feels to me like the truth.

What I need is not some fine delusion of a better day in the far and away. I need practical methods of accepting and dealing with harsh reality. Just a simple explanation. There is no love in the world that will satisfy me. All I need to know is how to make that OK.

How do you keep living in a cold universe where there is no all embracing love? How do you find peace of mind in a place like this? The wind on Saturn blows cold and without mercy. So? Who cares but the transient stones? Even those stones crumble under the blast of ceaseless raging wind.

Suffering today from a bit melancholia. Obscure and unattached depression. It is more fun than floating anxiety. At least Ill be able to sleep. Depression is good for sleeping.

Am not having a crisis or anything like that. Just feeling down and expressing myself.

Aden

 

[Bill_1965]

Aden,

The hopes and acknowledgement for a better day down the line isn't just something that appears. It is earned by working through the things that are holding you down now. One at a time.

Is it possible to feel loved and accepted when you won't allow yourself to feel it? Wanting it and not allowing yourself to have it are contradictory and you won't get anywhere without working to give up one of the two. Of the two, I know which one I'd keep and the one I'd give up.

It's not easy, nor is it pleasant. Scraping away the layers of hurt, betrayl, and fear that keeps you from getting at what you want. The prize is there, you just want to get it and be willing to put in the effort. All that is done by you and is up to you to go after.

Take care,
Bill

 

[Leosha]

Aden,

Wow, you sound so very down and lost right now. I am so very sorry. I know that I have felt that way also, but I do know that I am better now. To detail the steps to get here from there, I am not sure I fully could.

I know that you do not want airy ideals on how 'life is beautiful' and such. I do know that I have had to go through various stages to get to the point I am now, where I am accepting of the past, present and future about 50% of the time.

I will say that, whether idealistic and stupid or not, I do choose to still have faith in the betterment of my life. I still choose to believe in feeling safe, secure, loved, loving, accepted, etc. In some ways, by some people, I have already experienced some of these. So that reinforces that the others are possible.

You say 'melancholia today'. That is based on the past. Maybe you are not currently 'in' the past. But it still is affecting your life and your way of thinking. However. Now is our future past. Each day we live today is one we will look back on in a year, ten years, 30 years. We are now able to choose and create our past. Nothing will erase what was before. But we can be the artist who creates the present, the future, and the past we will one day look back on.

It is a challenge. It sounds probably foolish, crazy, idealistic, simple. I just choose to believe it true for me. I hope it is for you also.

Please take good care of yourself, my new friend.

Leosha