meditation on the inner self

[DannyT]

I was thinking about the idea of the inner child as I was reading the old thread what makes you a survivor, and I thought Id share a new idea Ive been working on to help change directions. Its doing amazing things for me, and I thought it might help others as well.

Im a writer, and I do a lot of work on autobiographical issues from my early childhood, and once when I was working on a particular, very poignant story, I had a vision. I could see my younger self (about 12 years old) sitting in a chair across the room from me. It was the most wonderful thing. I saw him as I was then, and I realized he was a great kidnot to blame for anything, not cruel, not wrong in any way. He was smiling at me and looking at me with a profound trust. This was so magicalreally astonishing, like there was a ghost of myself in the room with me. I realized right away that I loved him very much. I also realized I owed him something, respect, love, kindness, decent treatmentin other words, a life.

For some reason this meant more to me than just giving myself a life (I guess I dont rate that high in my own estimationbut the kid was extra importantsomehow more worth saving...he was and is the best of me). Then I thought in order to give him a real life, I needed to know him as he was then, or better yet to know him as he was before anything went wrong. Not just to play with him or remember lost times, but in order to see the nature of his dreams. So I started meditating with my earliest, untouched self in my mind. I would free myself from the inner voice of complaint and whining and just quietly look into the past before I was abused. After a while, I started having this wonderful sense inside myself of his presence (meditation is an amazing tool for recovery that I havent seen discussed here before). Some days Id sit for an hour or so recalling that spirit to my mind. It was so freeing to be with that part of myself again, that untouched self. Id ask him questions about very mundane things, mostly what do you want to do, do you want to do this or that or something else? And Id get this gut-level reaction. Once when I answered, my voice carried the accent of my childhood (from deep in the Northwoods of Michigan), an accent I couldnt purposely duplicate under any circumstances today.

I used these answers to come to terms with my habits of life. I rediscovered passions I would never have dreamed were mine. Lots of joy. I was a very sunny kid.

Most powerfully I discovered that the behavior that stems from my abuse is truly unnatural to me. My deepest self really only likes to do emotionally healthy things. In asking the questions Im very careful to include anything I might do. And sometimes hes shocked and dismayed, but then I take the shock to heart and avoid the behavior he dislikes... to recognize it as foreign to menot of my deepest self but an invasion. I made a promise to myself to listen to that self for at least a year and to do as he asks. When I do, I feel free as a bird.

We all have a place that is untouched inside us. The abuse only triggers a series of responses, it doesnt destroy the core. It creates habits like a bit of sand creates a pearl. If we can find again the unhurt self, we can shake up the sediment of our lives and wash it way. The dreams and joy are still there. Theyre just hidden in a closet and longing for the light.

Danny

 

[seeker]

DannyT

I'm truely inspire by the work that you are doing. I once did a guided meditation with a therapist. I went and met my child, who was not very pleased with me. I have not been back there since, but would like to.

Most powerfully I discovered that the behavior that stems from my abuse is truly unnatural to me. My deepest self really only likes to do emotionally healthy things.

I feel very disconnected from my inner child. I know that I am a free-spirit, but my adult habits won't let me get there. I would be interested in any ideas that you have about finding your inner child. Do you suggest writing? I don't remember many of my positive childhood memories.

seeker

 

[DannyT]

Hi Seeker

Im glad my ideas touched a chord, and thanks for letting me know. Its kind of a funny thing to send thoughts out into the ether like this. It strikes me that if you met your inner child and he was irritated with you, he may have interesting things to say!

One of the best meditations I know for reencountering yourself is to visualize a very safe place associated with the time you want to find again. For me its an alcove at our summer camp with a window looking over the lake that I used to look out every morning when I woke up. It was my window on adventure, where Id plan my day (I was maybe 8 years old or so).

I find it goes best if I do this exercise when I have a lot of time and I know no one will bother me. If you try it, please at first only look for the safest things. The exercise can also help revisit anything, but it is very intense, and revisiting pain through it can be emotionally dangerous (its more like reliving than remembering).

So start by finding the place in your memory where you feel wonderfully safe. You dont need to remember an event in the place for it to open up to youbetter by far just to remember the place itself. Then close your eyes and see it again. Imagine your eyes are at the same level they would have been then, the same height. Look around you and see what you find. If youre inside, look at the wallsthe floor the ceiling. If youre outside, look at the trees or the flowers. Look at anything that strikes your fancy.

Once you can see the place clearly, allow yourself to move around in it. See yourself exploring and rediscovering that world. Notice what shoes youre wearingwhat pants you have on. See your younger hands in your minds eye as you move around.

At first your memories might be limitedbut, with repetition, youll find you can go through drawers, find old toys you dont remember having.you can leave the house by walking down the stairs and go outsideyou can ride a bikethat whole world is still alive in you.

Ive used this technique to write about all sorts of past things. This can be very therapeutic. But it can also be overwhelming. So be careful if you use it for anything that brings you pain. I find that revisiting the happy free spaces has allowed me to re-encounter myself. Because Ive seen those things again, when I look into myself during meditation, I can feel the younger heart beating and I know the responses very clearly.

This memory exercise has been the beginning of a process for me of revisiting myself more and more deeply. I do a lot of Zen breathing exercises which are wonderful for clarity of mind and for removing the nasty voice of doubt that plagues so many of us. Once that voice has been stilled many wonderful things can happen. In fact, the things that voice says are among the most dangerous results of abuse. The constant belittling, the meanness.that voice is often the abuser holding us in place. Once I realized this, it occurred to me that there was far more to getting in touch with the inner child than just remembering creativity. Because the abuse silences that child, letting him speak can be unimaginably powerful. It allows the door that was closed to open again.
I choose to avoid talking to the abused child in me.hes so present in my daily life that his voice has become mine as an adult. Instead I have gone back to a slightly younger self, that self on the verge of the abuse but still whole. Then I ask simple questions and try my best to listen. If he wants to go for a walk, I go. His impulses have been very clean. Very simple. By listening to that voice Ive discovered Im still deeply alive inside. I dont waste nearly as much time. I dont think about the past much (its dead stuff, really, and has become so unbelievably boring that I can hardly stand to retell the old stories again). And I work much more. I draw, I run, I laugh..all good things.

In my other post I mentioned clearing away the sediment. Im coming to understand experience as a kind of dust that settles over one. Things happen and the dust falls and gradually covers us up. Traumatic things leave a huge deposit that hardens as time goes on. We develop a shell, a series of layers of dust. As they settle, they restrict our movement through life and through the world. Underneath all that dust, theres still a core place that exists that remembers freedom of a sort and that wants to move freely again. In order to move freely the dust has to fly into the air and blow away with the cool, clear breeze of truth.

Asking younger self what he wants to do allows me to see the dust. I can look at various times in my life and see the patterns of behaviorI can watch the changes come over me. But when that younger self speaks, he doesnt know those bad times, so his answers come from the heart of my life, that place where I was un-invaded and truly myself. Listening to that voice that comes from so deep inside has been an extremely difficult but freeing thing. That younger self doesnt walk like I do, doesnt talk like I do, doesnt think like I do. He wasnt abused, so those patterns dont fit anymore.

In the end the challenge has been essentially to remake my life in the image of my best self.

And thats hard.

But that deep inner self never goes away. You can count on it all the time. And it so wants to see the light of day that it is very patient. As long as I remember to ask the questions, the answers come and the path to the proper life opens before me like a dream.

Sorry for the long windedness.but these are kind of hard things to put into only a few words. And the words really feel good to say.

Freedom is a beautiful thing. The voice that holds us down can be made powerless. The power it has is power we give. If we can learn to withhold that power the voice fades away.

Danny

 

[Lloydy]

Danny
your post is impeccably timed, next Monday at our groups session the Therapist has asked us to take a picture in, if possible just before the abuse started.
I have a picture of me dressed as a pirate, about ten years old, hanging above my monitor. Young David is going to group therapy !

She's orded some 'industrial strength tissues' and promised to clear the building
It promises to be a good session, I hope it's as good as I think it might be. I've found young David, and he's a few steps behind me, and he sometimes pauses to look back.

I want him with me, always.

Thanks for that post,it's confirmed my belief that I have to help him a little bit more.

Dave