Mean to the nice one

[Ryan207]

I am new to here, I dont know why I am doing what I am doing, I dont understand. I am a 31 year old male who was abused in my early teens, cant talk about it much. I try to forget about it and move on. But I dated a co-worker and we are since very good friends outside of work, but I get mad and agry and think she is disgusting after having sex with her. I look down on her for wanting to be with me, and then I go to work and I cant bare to look at her or talk to her or acknowledge her in front of any of my co-workers (she knows my past abuse), and I know it upsets her, but I cant stop doing it. I spend last weekend with her, we got along, but I have troubles touching her while we are intimate, and then after, I just dont want to even see or speak to her for weeks, I am in disgust. Then, I want to speak to her and go back to her. She is kind and supports me in everyway possible, that at times I feel smothered, and I cant stop talking bad on her at work and all my co-workers think she is a nut, I dont want her near anyone I know, but when i walk by her at work and dont acknowledge her after being at her house the day before, I can see her pain, she tells me, but I cant stop. Why am I punishing the one who tries so hard to understand and care. Somedays I care for her, and others I actually get a kick outta making fun of her at work to my co-workers. Why am I like that, I hate myself for it. I am hurting her, but i dont know why i pick on her like I was a teenager, why have I become like this. I flirt with other girls at work right in front of her, becuase I get angry with her after we have been together (sex or making out), I am spinning in my head and I need to know if anyoneelse is like this or has experienced this? Punishing the one who is intimate with you?

 

[RICK57]

You are testing her to see if she will 'let you down, like you have been let down in the past'.

She doesn't deserve it, and it sounds like you know that!

best wishes ...Rik

 

[Hauser]

I think I can relate to what you're saying, just not as extreme.

Do you really even love her or find her attractive? Or is she just the best one that's come along in a while and wants to be with you?

Intimacy and sex only go so far. You have to have a genuine love for someone in order for it to last.

 

[roadrunner]

Ryan,

An abused boy will often see sex as something that abusers do. It seems to be a way of shaming someone and robbing them of worth and meaning. Unfortunately those feelings don't leave us just because we grow up; they bubble underneath the surface and mess us up in all kinds of ways as adults.

Having had sex with this woman, you are probably wondering all sorts of things. As Rik suggests, when will she abandon you? Does her willingness to have sex with you prove her lack of worth in other ways? But really, the key problem seems to me to be that as your relationship with her becomes more sexual, it also seems to become more dangerous.

Are you seeing a T? If not, that would be a good idea. You can already see that the way you are looking at things isn't helpful to either of you. After all, we are all sexual beings. If expression of your sexual desires and needs continues to affect you like this, it will really be a big long-term problem.

The good news is that therapists have seen this one a million times already. You aren't alone. A good T will help you work this out without a lot of new trauma and agony for either yourself or the others you relate to sexually.

Much love,
Larry