Thank you all for your responses. I feel that this was necessary for me to start to get my life back together. (When that officially starts I'll let you know?)
So hey I wanted to add another chapter to this but it's very nice, and it might seem very simple, perhaps silly, but it meant a lot to me. So here I go:
In my life experience, I've had VERY little experience with children at all, except for distant family relations, of which I've spent very little time with. (I am the youngest of 4, and none of us have had children, I wonder if my parents have something to do with that?)
Anyway,I've recently made a great friend after moving to my city, who is a single Dad, we're both the same age, and he's got 3 kids. 2 boys, (6yo and 5yo) and and little girl (almost 4yo). His kids have become very attached to me, probably cuz nobody wants to hang out with kids this age, heh. I've been teaching them how to tie their shoes, how to spell words and numbers etc. I've also played games with them that incites laughter that I've never heard since my youth, they make me remeber how cool it was to be happy.
Well ok here is that moment I was trying to get at:
Do you know how children draw? What they draw tends to directly translate what they feel right? Like, at one extreme, police will interview a child and have them draw what happened to them if something bad happened, and they get a picture that isn't very pretty. Well, when Danny, the 5yo, was sitting next to me in the easy chair, he was doodling on one of those paperless pads and he ended up drawing a picture of him sitting next to me. And it was a totally happy picture,
, he had a huge smile on his face and so did I.
So, that was the moment. Little Danny right there helped grind into my brain what I had been trying to do by myself all these years. It WAS a healing moment for me. I just thought I might share it for what it's worth.