Me
Me
- Thread starterHauser
- Start date
Hauser,
Amazing story told with grace, honesty and integrity. What a courageous thing to do! I can relate to many of the subsequent issues and challenges. I hope that you've found that telling your story did minimize it's power over you. Clearly, all these posts show that you've succeeded in helping others know they're not alone. I'm impressed.
Finally, you should stop beating yourself up for thinking the things you do, and start giving yourself credit for the control you've exerted over your impulses. You are showing a tremendous amount of strength. Re-read the posts if you need to; all of us are giving you more credit than you give yourself. Accept a little of it.
Peter
Amazing story told with grace, honesty and integrity. What a courageous thing to do! I can relate to many of the subsequent issues and challenges. I hope that you've found that telling your story did minimize it's power over you. Clearly, all these posts show that you've succeeded in helping others know they're not alone. I'm impressed.
Finally, you should stop beating yourself up for thinking the things you do, and start giving yourself credit for the control you've exerted over your impulses. You are showing a tremendous amount of strength. Re-read the posts if you need to; all of us are giving you more credit than you give yourself. Accept a little of it.
Peter
lostcowboy
Registrant
Hi Hauser, isn't it amazing how we will beat up on ourselves for things that happened in our past. Also things we did in our past. From what you have told us there is only one time where you acted out with someone who was to young for you. I bet you keep beating yourself up about it, even though just as soon as the boy said stop, you STOPPED. I bet you give yourself no credit for stopping! But stop you did! That is the most important thing! Also in your later life you did not act on the desires that you had, you knew it would be damaging to the other person, that is most important! Can you get rid of the desires, that I don't know, I would send a PM to Ken Singer. AS he works with perpetrators he can tell you more about it. I have recently become interested in the sexual addiction books of Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., you can find a list of them at Gentle Path Book Selections I read In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior first, as it was in my public library. One of the things he talks about is "Each of us has an arousal template that governs our sexual attraction and relationships. Developmental problems, trauma and abuse, family messages, and life experiences can significantly damage that template. Key to understanding how that template works is eroticized feelings such as anger, fear, and shame." I believe what he was saying is even thou it was damaged, through therapy it can be repaired, at least to some extent. you should be able to get all the books through your public library, if they don't have it, they can probably get it through the inter-library exchange program. I just started reading his first book "Dont Call It Love: Recovering From Sexual Addiction" found it at a goodwill if you can believe that.
Please do not think that I think that I am better than you in any way. Just because I was raped at knife point does not mean I don't have inappropriate attractions sometimes. Like you I decided to post about it. I was sure I would be barred from the site. In fact I was ready to leave the site if anyone replied in a negative fashion to the post. I was very surprised that no one did. I am very grateful, as I did not want to go, but I was ready to do so. In my signature you will find a link to a post where I keep track of my important posts. most of them have trigger warnings, that means they can be emotionally triggering, or cause you to remember your own sexual abuse. The one I would like you to read is, "I am not proud of this and now realize it was wrong at the time. Triggers!" What I would like for you to get out of it is, how I beat my self up, and how the guys on here tried to make me feel better about it. We have such a fine bunch of guys here. While I don't post much anymore, I still read all the posts, and love all the guys on here, and that includes you.
Much love,
Clifford
Please do not think that I think that I am better than you in any way. Just because I was raped at knife point does not mean I don't have inappropriate attractions sometimes. Like you I decided to post about it. I was sure I would be barred from the site. In fact I was ready to leave the site if anyone replied in a negative fashion to the post. I was very surprised that no one did. I am very grateful, as I did not want to go, but I was ready to do so. In my signature you will find a link to a post where I keep track of my important posts. most of them have trigger warnings, that means they can be emotionally triggering, or cause you to remember your own sexual abuse. The one I would like you to read is, "I am not proud of this and now realize it was wrong at the time. Triggers!" What I would like for you to get out of it is, how I beat my self up, and how the guys on here tried to make me feel better about it. We have such a fine bunch of guys here. While I don't post much anymore, I still read all the posts, and love all the guys on here, and that includes you.
Much love,
Clifford
Hauser,
I read this, what you wrote. I did not read it all in one try. It took several. It was very difficult to read. I can not imagine how very difficult it was to write, but even more, to live through all of it. Thank you for having the courage to show yourself, 'warts and all' so openly, knowing that the responses may not have been positive. I am glad they have been. You deserve such support. I wish you good luck as you continue your healing journey.
Leosha
I read this, what you wrote. I did not read it all in one try. It took several. It was very difficult to read. I can not imagine how very difficult it was to write, but even more, to live through all of it. Thank you for having the courage to show yourself, 'warts and all' so openly, knowing that the responses may not have been positive. I am glad they have been. You deserve such support. I wish you good luck as you continue your healing journey.
Leosha
Hauser
Registrant
Thank you all for your responses. I feel that this was necessary for me to start to get my life back together. (When that officially starts I'll let you know?)
So hey I wanted to add another chapter to this but it's very nice, and it might seem very simple, perhaps silly, but it meant a lot to me. So here I go:
In my life experience, I've had VERY little experience with children at all, except for distant family relations, of which I've spent very little time with. (I am the youngest of 4, and none of us have had children, I wonder if my parents have something to do with that?)
Anyway,I've recently made a great friend after moving to my city, who is a single Dad, we're both the same age, and he's got 3 kids. 2 boys, (6yo and 5yo) and and little girl (almost 4yo). His kids have become very attached to me, probably cuz nobody wants to hang out with kids this age, heh. I've been teaching them how to tie their shoes, how to spell words and numbers etc. I've also played games with them that incites laughter that I've never heard since my youth, they make me remeber how cool it was to be happy.
Well ok here is that moment I was trying to get at:
Do you know how children draw? What they draw tends to directly translate what they feel right? Like, at one extreme, police will interview a child and have them draw what happened to them if something bad happened, and they get a picture that isn't very pretty. Well, when Danny, the 5yo, was sitting next to me in the easy chair, he was doodling on one of those paperless pads and he ended up drawing a picture of him sitting next to me. And it was a totally happy picture,
, he had a huge smile on his face and so did I.
So, that was the moment. Little Danny right there helped grind into my brain what I had been trying to do by myself all these years. It WAS a healing moment for me. I just thought I might share it for what it's worth.
So hey I wanted to add another chapter to this but it's very nice, and it might seem very simple, perhaps silly, but it meant a lot to me. So here I go:
In my life experience, I've had VERY little experience with children at all, except for distant family relations, of which I've spent very little time with. (I am the youngest of 4, and none of us have had children, I wonder if my parents have something to do with that?)
Anyway,I've recently made a great friend after moving to my city, who is a single Dad, we're both the same age, and he's got 3 kids. 2 boys, (6yo and 5yo) and and little girl (almost 4yo). His kids have become very attached to me, probably cuz nobody wants to hang out with kids this age, heh. I've been teaching them how to tie their shoes, how to spell words and numbers etc. I've also played games with them that incites laughter that I've never heard since my youth, they make me remeber how cool it was to be happy.
Well ok here is that moment I was trying to get at:
Do you know how children draw? What they draw tends to directly translate what they feel right? Like, at one extreme, police will interview a child and have them draw what happened to them if something bad happened, and they get a picture that isn't very pretty. Well, when Danny, the 5yo, was sitting next to me in the easy chair, he was doodling on one of those paperless pads and he ended up drawing a picture of him sitting next to me. And it was a totally happy picture,
, he had a huge smile on his face and so did I.So, that was the moment. Little Danny right there helped grind into my brain what I had been trying to do by myself all these years. It WAS a healing moment for me. I just thought I might share it for what it's worth.
Hauser,
I'm so happy for you that you had that moment with Danny, and I'm glad that you shared it with all of us. What a great experience for you!
I have two grandchildren. One lives only 3 miles away. They both can melt my heart with a word or two or a look. Little children help us to see the world through innocent eyes. Our experiences have caused us to be always careful and usually distrustful. Looking at the world through the eyes of a little child full of hope and trust gives us each a sense of what's possible...what could be. It's a wonderful way to look at the world. And, even for a moment it's a wonderful thing for us to see.
I'm really happpy for you to have had that healing moment with Danny, and I wish you many more.
Peter
I'm so happy for you that you had that moment with Danny, and I'm glad that you shared it with all of us. What a great experience for you!
I have two grandchildren. One lives only 3 miles away. They both can melt my heart with a word or two or a look. Little children help us to see the world through innocent eyes. Our experiences have caused us to be always careful and usually distrustful. Looking at the world through the eyes of a little child full of hope and trust gives us each a sense of what's possible...what could be. It's a wonderful way to look at the world. And, even for a moment it's a wonderful thing for us to see.
I'm really happpy for you to have had that healing moment with Danny, and I wish you many more.
Peter
Hauser,
Thank you for sharing that story with us. There is nothing like the innocence and love of a child. I'm glad you were able to receive that gift!
I also hope that it serves as some motivation for you to continue to work on your recovery. You have been doing many amazing things since you have been here at Male Survivor. I hope that someday, you will be more willing to give yourself the credit that you deserve. Hauser, you are a good man. It's unfortunate that most survivors are the last people to realize just how special they really are! When we finally "get it", thats when a whole new world of opportunity opens up for us! Thats what I wish for you and everyone else here at MS. We all deserve to be happy!
Recovery is Possible!
Brian
Thank you for sharing that story with us. There is nothing like the innocence and love of a child. I'm glad you were able to receive that gift!
I also hope that it serves as some motivation for you to continue to work on your recovery. You have been doing many amazing things since you have been here at Male Survivor. I hope that someday, you will be more willing to give yourself the credit that you deserve. Hauser, you are a good man. It's unfortunate that most survivors are the last people to realize just how special they really are! When we finally "get it", thats when a whole new world of opportunity opens up for us! Thats what I wish for you and everyone else here at MS. We all deserve to be happy!
Recovery is Possible!
Brian
Hauser,
Being a positive part of a child's life will bring rewards that will last your life through. I'm pleased you have this opportunity.
Lots of love,
John
Being a positive part of a child's life will bring rewards that will last your life through. I'm pleased you have this opportunity.
Lots of love,
John
zenboy
Registrant
Hauser,
I have long considered you a friend here and continue to do so, even more strongly now. I bow to your strength and willingness to keep going.
Please remember that there is always much more right with you than "wrong" with you.
Also, please remember this:
"The fairest flowers of April cannot bloom
Unless they're given life by Heaven's tears."
and this:
"Your triumph over great adversity
Is testimony to your inner strength."
Those are four lines from a sonnet I wrote for my mother (also an SA survivor) for her birthday about 13 years ago. Mom has found those words comforting; perhaps (and I hope) you will, too.
All the best to you,
zenboy
I have long considered you a friend here and continue to do so, even more strongly now. I bow to your strength and willingness to keep going.
Please remember that there is always much more right with you than "wrong" with you.
Also, please remember this:
"The fairest flowers of April cannot bloom
Unless they're given life by Heaven's tears."
and this:
"Your triumph over great adversity
Is testimony to your inner strength."
Those are four lines from a sonnet I wrote for my mother (also an SA survivor) for her birthday about 13 years ago. Mom has found those words comforting; perhaps (and I hope) you will, too.
All the best to you,
zenboy
reality2k4
Registrant
Hauser, hey its great the way kids translate things and their world is not hurt.
They give me strength in knowing not all kids are hurt.
They are every bit as magic as their world around them is, be part of it,
ste
They give me strength in knowing not all kids are hurt.
They are every bit as magic as their world around them is, be part of it,
ste
george of kent
Registrant
Hauser,
Brian said it best: "It's unfortunate that most survivors are the last people to realize just how special they really are."
For over 50 years I devalued (or disvalued) all my positive accomplishments because I had been taught by my abuser(s) that I was only good at one thing - providing sexual service.
I had something of an "Aha!" moment just a few days ago, when my viewpoint shifted and I realized that there are many aspects of my life of which I can and should be very proud and for which I should be grateful. Until that moment, in my eyes it was all dull, uninteresting and worth next to nothing.
Wishing you happy holidays and an "Aha!" moment or two of your own.
Much love, etc.,
Brian said it best: "It's unfortunate that most survivors are the last people to realize just how special they really are."
For over 50 years I devalued (or disvalued) all my positive accomplishments because I had been taught by my abuser(s) that I was only good at one thing - providing sexual service.
I had something of an "Aha!" moment just a few days ago, when my viewpoint shifted and I realized that there are many aspects of my life of which I can and should be very proud and for which I should be grateful. Until that moment, in my eyes it was all dull, uninteresting and worth next to nothing.
Wishing you happy holidays and an "Aha!" moment or two of your own.
Much love, etc.,
reality2k4
Registrant
Hauser,
The second paragraph is contradictory as it happened to me with different but similar results.
I was violently attacked which in itself is unusual for a perp.
I have no 'real' trust in ppl, I lived a childhood in blind terror scared to go out, even to school.
That (terror) is still with me, forever,
ste
Never wish for something like that,
The first paragraph strikes us all, we all think or thought the same way..
The second paragraph is contradictory as it happened to me with different but similar results.
I was violently attacked which in itself is unusual for a perp.
I have no 'real' trust in ppl, I lived a childhood in blind terror scared to go out, even to school.
That (terror) is still with me, forever,
ste
Never wish for something like that,
Reading your story has moved me a great deal. I am very saddend to read how your life has been destroyed. But you have found the strength and the courage to tell us. I take my hat off to you, you are a very strong person.
It is so easy to say "what if....." I do it everyday. Please be strong.
a freind
Duncan
It is so easy to say "what if....." I do it everyday. Please be strong.
a freind
Duncan
reality2k4
Registrant
Al, you have to base the fact that you were very young at the time, and kids do explore each other, abused or not.
I dont think it would have such a negative impact, even in todays law, it would be trivial.
"As 6th grade had come around my grades starting going downhill and I was totally sexually confused. All of the boys were talking about girls and I was looking at boys. To this day I have NO idea if, were I to have been left alone and had a chance to grow up normal"
I did much the same thing, but looked at boys, and just wanted to be them, like I was jealous of not having the same freedom they enjoyed.
When I see the pics of guys who survived, it gives me strength to think, hey these guys look good, not sad wrecks! Maybe inside, but outside they shine,
ste
I dont think it would have such a negative impact, even in todays law, it would be trivial.
"As 6th grade had come around my grades starting going downhill and I was totally sexually confused. All of the boys were talking about girls and I was looking at boys. To this day I have NO idea if, were I to have been left alone and had a chance to grow up normal"
I did much the same thing, but looked at boys, and just wanted to be them, like I was jealous of not having the same freedom they enjoyed.
When I see the pics of guys who survived, it gives me strength to think, hey these guys look good, not sad wrecks! Maybe inside, but outside they shine,
ste
Ferdinand
New Registrant
Anyway,I've recently made a great friend after moving to my city, who is a single Dad, we're both the same age, and he's got 3 kids. 2 boys, (6yo and 5yo) and and little girl (almost 4yo). His kids have become very attached to me, probably cuz nobody wants to hang out with kids this age, heh. I've been teaching them how to tie their shoes, how to spell words and numbers etc. I've also played games with them that incites laughter that I've never heard since my youth, they make me remeber how cool it was to be happy.
Well ok here is that moment I was trying to get at:
Do you know how children draw? What they draw tends to directly translate what they feel right? Like, at one extreme, police will interview a child and have them draw what happened to them if something bad happened, and they get a picture that isn't very pretty. Well, when Danny, the 5yo, was sitting next to me in the easy chair, he was doodling on one of those paperless pads and he ended up drawing a picture of him sitting next to me. And it was a totally happy picture, , he had a huge smile on his face and so did I.
So, that was the moment. Little Danny right there helped grind into my brain what I had been trying to do by myself all these years. It WAS a healing moment for me. I just thought I might share it for what it's worth.
=================================================================
What a wonderful experience, Alan!!! I'm so happy for you! That is the kind of love we all need to expereince. My grandkids have been so important to me.
Your friend Dan
Well ok here is that moment I was trying to get at:
Do you know how children draw? What they draw tends to directly translate what they feel right? Like, at one extreme, police will interview a child and have them draw what happened to them if something bad happened, and they get a picture that isn't very pretty. Well, when Danny, the 5yo, was sitting next to me in the easy chair, he was doodling on one of those paperless pads and he ended up drawing a picture of him sitting next to me. And it was a totally happy picture,
, he had a huge smile on his face and so did I.So, that was the moment. Little Danny right there helped grind into my brain what I had been trying to do by myself all these years. It WAS a healing moment for me. I just thought I might share it for what it's worth.
=================================================================
What a wonderful experience, Alan!!! I'm so happy for you! That is the kind of love we all need to expereince. My grandkids have been so important to me.
Your friend Dan