Me, possible triggers?
I haven't been around much lately, pretty long story, but I was avoiding this place, but now I see I could use the extra support.
I just feel so alone, I have alienated all of my good friends, I don't even have a best friend anymore, he refuses to speak to me. My past haunts me, not only the SA, but also the things I have done, such as lying and hiding the true me. I still hide the real me from people, I am too scared to show myself, too scared to open myself up to criticism or rejection, and it is killing me.
Fear seems to control my life, a friend I had a falling out with not too long ago is in the hospital, and I am too scared to try to contact him even through e-mail, I just don't know what to say or how to say it, and I am scared what I say will be wrong and will make things wiorse between us.
My therapist is out of town, in France to be exact, for 3 weeks now, and he won't be back till the last week in the month, I guess I could call and talk to the person who is covering for him, but I am too scared for that too. I have been sleeping more than usual, just can't seem to keep energy or health, I have been sick for awhile, but have been avoiding the doctor.
I just don't know what to say or how to say it, I tryed to respond to a couple of posts here today, but couldn't find the words or strength. I feel like I am losing my grip, and that scares me more than almost anything else. I am alone for the weekend, and am too scared to try to call any of my friends, I have just been sitting here thinking, and I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I feel alone and empty and just don't know what to do or say.
I feel guilty posting this since I haven't been around for awhile, and can't seem to reply to anyone elses posts, but I need the support, need the help, need to try to gain some more strength before I totally fall apart again. I just went to working full time so I don't have the time to fall apart, can't seem to do anything right in my own eyes.
Lonliness is a terrible feeling, and I feel more alone than ever before, to be honest I barely have one friend left I haven't hurt or alienated, and that hurts me, I hate hurting people I care for, every once in awhile I think about death and how peaceful it can be, but then I snap too and realize I can't do that. For awhile I thought I had to die as a punishment for hurting some very good people very badly, and at times I still feel like that.
Tomorrow is another day, and one more chance for me to screw up again. SOrry abouth this, buit I needed to let it out, I hope it hasn;t triggered anyone.
scott
I just feel so alone, I have alienated all of my good friends, I don't even have a best friend anymore, he refuses to speak to me. My past haunts me, not only the SA, but also the things I have done, such as lying and hiding the true me. I still hide the real me from people, I am too scared to show myself, too scared to open myself up to criticism or rejection, and it is killing me.
Fear seems to control my life, a friend I had a falling out with not too long ago is in the hospital, and I am too scared to try to contact him even through e-mail, I just don't know what to say or how to say it, and I am scared what I say will be wrong and will make things wiorse between us.
My therapist is out of town, in France to be exact, for 3 weeks now, and he won't be back till the last week in the month, I guess I could call and talk to the person who is covering for him, but I am too scared for that too. I have been sleeping more than usual, just can't seem to keep energy or health, I have been sick for awhile, but have been avoiding the doctor.
I just don't know what to say or how to say it, I tryed to respond to a couple of posts here today, but couldn't find the words or strength. I feel like I am losing my grip, and that scares me more than almost anything else. I am alone for the weekend, and am too scared to try to call any of my friends, I have just been sitting here thinking, and I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I feel alone and empty and just don't know what to do or say.
I feel guilty posting this since I haven't been around for awhile, and can't seem to reply to anyone elses posts, but I need the support, need the help, need to try to gain some more strength before I totally fall apart again. I just went to working full time so I don't have the time to fall apart, can't seem to do anything right in my own eyes.
Lonliness is a terrible feeling, and I feel more alone than ever before, to be honest I barely have one friend left I haven't hurt or alienated, and that hurts me, I hate hurting people I care for, every once in awhile I think about death and how peaceful it can be, but then I snap too and realize I can't do that. For awhile I thought I had to die as a punishment for hurting some very good people very badly, and at times I still feel like that.
Tomorrow is another day, and one more chance for me to screw up again. SOrry abouth this, buit I needed to let it out, I hope it hasn;t triggered anyone.
scott
