Maybe this is why

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Maybe this is why

I talked with my psychiatrist this morning. Because of the suicidal thoughts I have had. So often.

He said that I might be afraid that when you see the real me, you will abandon me. And that my thoughts were to make sure I abandon you before you can do that to me.

I told him about the people who care here for me and how that scared me. Because I couldn't measure up.

He said that I have been projecting what I think about myself. And that I have two choices. Keep reaching out and trying to believe what I hear. Or die. Sooner or later.

So I will keep reaching out. And try not to be afraid of you. Of your motives.

Someone said I am free to speak, so I am doing that. Trust is VERY hard for me. Trust and hope betrayed for so many years is not easy to get over. Like someone else posted here, I feel pushed sometimes. Because of being told how "strong" I am. I'm not. Just fighting. That's all. I can't be what some think I should be. I can just be me.

Please don't be offended.

Marc
 
Marc,

You are free to speak. Keep reaching out. Be yourself. Be true to yourself.

Take care,
Bill
 
Marc,
You're figuring it out.... and I can so totally relate to what you wrote here. I'm constantly trying to measure up to others and I'm constantly afraid that I'm going to screw up... But what you said was so correct, so true.

Don
 
I am not offended. You are being honest, and I respect honesty above almost all else! Keep reaching out, we will be here.
Casey
 
Marc,

Trust in others is very hard for me to give too and I hate it when people complement me, I just don't want believe it. I've met some of the guys from this site in person and they have all been without exception supportive and honest and caring people.

Please keep posting, keep reaching out, keep trying, it does get better, it does help.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve
 
Marc
if you have to 'fight' - then FIGHT !
kick, bite and poke their f*****g eyes out if you have to. Don't let the abusers beat you, 'cause they didn't play by the rules - did they ?

Dave
 
Hey Marc,

This thread really hits us all where we live! I can remember the first time I reached out to another survivor I'd met at a retreat. Before leaving, I asked him if we could be pen pals (pre-email). I remember spending hours trying to write a simple letter because I'd write it and rewrite it over and over until it was flawless. When I finally told him I was doing that, he asked me to try writing and mail the letter just as it was, with cross outs and all. It was nerve wracking to do it but I sent it. I remember not long after that having an assignment to do in therapy to write down my list of "needs". What the hell were those? One that I'll never forget was "I need people in my life with whom I can share my thoughts, feelings and self without the need to edit anything"!

What a blessing it is to have found a place where there are so many men who fit the bill! So don't change a word of it brother. Let us hear it as real as it really is. And when you feel the earth shaking under your feet, that's just all of us pounding our fists and stomping our feet cheering you on.

Taz
 
Marc trust is something that won't be easy to regain back.
Work hard on self discovering. Open your mind and trust yourself. Prize for your efforts would surprise you.

When I say that I am strong I think that I am strong because I know how vulnerable I am, and how much energy I need to spend for "normal" functioning compared to "normal" people. Do you really think that your perspective is different?
 
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