maybe this is a trigger

[grayson]

i want to know how to stop feeling like crap about myself. i always have. from the moment i was raped by my cousins, then family friends, then uncle, then brother, then neighbor, then more family friends. i cant get away from it. i feel i could be raped at any minute. if i go outside to go to the car, or i go to work.
the other day i went to the capitol with a friend. everything was locked, it was dark. we slept on the grass. when we had to go to the bathroom we went inside. finding the only door that was open we entered. there were guards at every turn. it was all a huge flash back. a place i had been before when i was very young. i knew kids who were raped in those bathrooms. i had forgotten all about it. and i dont know if i was. all i remember is that my mom told me and my brother that kids had been raped in there. she didnt know that my brother was one of the people who had raped me.
my wife knows what happened to me, and the same stuff has happened to her, but we dont seem to be able to help eachother.
everyone is talking about what their triggers are and how knowing them is helping them. for me, if what a trigger is what i think it is, then there is no where for me to go to make them go away.

 

[roadrunner]

grayson,

What a huge question! I can only deal with part of it in a post but I hope this helps you.

We feel crap about ourselves because we are carrying around a lot of false ideas and feelings about ourselves. I am worthless, I am unlovable, I am guilty, I cannot make friends, I cannot trust anyone, I can be molested again at any time, and so on. All these are ideas and feelings we learned as abused boys.

To get rid of them we have to recognize and BELIEVE that they are false, and that usually takes some real effort. Working with a T is really the best way, but I have gained a lot by talking about things here too. Just beginning to talk about things is enormously liberating. We discover we aren't alone, first of all. We discover that others will actually believe us when we tell what happened. We learn that we don't have to be silent any longer. And we learn that we can reject the blame for what was done to us by others. By dragging our feelings out of the dark and into the light of day we make it easier to examine them and see how they have led us astray.

It takes time, but gradually it becomes easier to learn a basic truth about sexual abuse: that it is never the boy's fault. We learn to feel better about ourselves because we are at the same time learning that we did nothing wrong. The blame for the abuse itself, as well as for the emotional problems that go with it, goes entirely to others, not to ourselves.

Much love,
Larry

 

[grayson]

id like to believe that. its just hard when you have spent your whole life believing that you chose what happened to you. (tears) i want to believe that it is someone elses falt. but half the time i dont even know what caused it.
i also have strong attractions to those who abused me. as if i wanted it to happen. they told me i did. and its so hard not to believe them. i know this is all very text book, which is why i feel like an idiot for talking about it. its like "duh... just read the book". but its not that simple, after i have fixed my life entirely around this idea that i enjoyed every minute of the abuse, so that i would feel like i was controling the whole thing.
has anyone else done this, or am i just completely psychotic?

 

[roadrunner]

Grayson,

No one here will ever tell you "Go read the book". There are good books to read, of course, but so many times what we need is to know that others understand and care.

The feelings you have about feeling responsible, liking the abuse, and feeling close to abusers are classic. That happens all the time and I can tell you that when I was a kid I felt this way as well.

For one thing, boys feel they were responsible because abusers tell them that lie. They do that to keep things going and to keep the boy silent. The boy will also feel that because he doesn't see any other reason why the abuse is happening, it must be his fault. He also looks back and thinks, I didn't say no, I didn't run, etc. So he feels responsible.

Abusers also like to "help" boys think that they like what is happening. But what the boy doesn't understand is that he is a sexual being, and that if he is touched sexually his body will respond, even if the boy is afraid of what is happening.

There also comes a time, bro, when the boy is so emotionally devastated that he simply gives up. He doesn't think he is worth anything better, and the abuse never stops anyway, so why should he make an effort? But that just shows how terribly he has been harmed by the abuse; it doesn't say a damn thing about the boy being a willing participant.

As for attachment to the abuser, that's also part of the trickery of abuse. As the boy becomes more isolated from genuinely safe people he comes to feel that he NEEDS the abuser and the "attention" he gets from him. Why? Often it's because he thinks that's all he has left. I remember when the man who abused me was chased off I missed him! I practically grieved for him, even though what he had done to me was completely degrading and utterly terrifying. I felt rejected and unwanted.

As you work on these things what you will find is that ALL this stuff is part of the vile package of lies and tricks that abusers play with. It all just illustrates what a terrible betrayal of trust sexual abuse is.

NONE of this was your doing or your fault. In time you will see that.

Much love,
Larry