maybe the right forum--MARITAL ISSUES

fhorns

Registrant
I'm up tonight because, well, I just am not supported by my wife. She, TOO, plays the dominant female in our relationship, and for years I've just fricken been quiet. Her father was on and off again with jobs, and I'm treated like absolute shit when she gets anxious about money.

I went to the job placement place today because I have been considering going to school for nursing. I called my wife after with what I learned (nothing dramatic), and she started riding me with "is any of this money (for school) going to pay for our house?" !!!!!FUCK!!!!! It was loaded with the message "you're going to fail me now".... DAMMMMMM

I ignored her through dinner with our families, and before bed I spoke up "I think I'm gonna have to go school for awhile"... And more "you're gonna fail us now" messages (my interpretation)

I am reading something that says "who is to blame when you set me up for failure, and I fail? Who is responsible if I am seen as an absolute failure, treated like one, and I fail?" I'M MAD AT HER!!! I'm trying to change, do different things, finding open doors, and when I do, I get this bullshit discouragement!!!! I'M PISSED OFFFF!!!!!!!


Okkkkkkkkaaaayyyyyyyyyy.... who do I trust this with? Everytime I'm near her I get mad. I'm expecting some belief, some respect, and she's giving me total rejection!! F******** HER!!!!!!!!!!!

I REALLY NEED TO VENT BECAUSE I'VE BEEN LIVING WITH HER LIKE THIS, AND I'M F***ING WANTING TO SLUG HER.

WHO HAS EVER LIVED WITH THIS?/????!!!! HOW THE FRICK DID YOU GET THROUGH IT?

Alfred
 

pufferfish

Registrant
Alfred,

Please try to hold your marriage together. You will be glad later that you did.

What you are going through now tends to magnify your emotions. You feel really pushed down by what you are going through. Your suffering is real. But the woman thinks of her nest and she tries to provide for it.

I had the same problem as you describe when I was going through my "recovery period". I perceived my wife as bossy and dominating. I felt really small in my own eyes. But it was my perception that was skewed by the problems of working through the abuse issues in my life.

Try to write yourself some notes about this and put them up where you can see them periodically. Then change the words in a few days so you don't get used to them.

Remember that it is your perspective that is misaligned. It is not that you are wrong or anything, it is that you see things in a very damaged perspective right now. Try to bear through on it.

Allen

pufferfish
 

fhorns

Registrant
I never got respect or support growing up!! I grwo up and live with a person I actually hate. The truth???? I keep thinking she'll change. I'm pissed!!!!! I'm in a role right now where I've played passive knowing she would/could pick up the slack.

I got what I wanted. But I'm picking up her anxiety about money, not because of money, but because of her. I'm hurt, but am afraid to tell her. Scared, but why the hell would I put that out in front of her. She's a fricken witch right now. And I'm pissed. I grew up with this constant belittling, constant bickering. I see my mom in her right now, and it's not good.

I haven't told all the men here my mother was and is an active alcoholic. Starts drinking when she wakes up. Is at a different point in life now (at 70), but she still has the rapier tongue (thanks Allen). EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING IS WRONG IN HER EYES.

IT'S WHY I HID. I STILL PLAY INVISIBLE HERE, IN GROUP MEETINGS, IN STORES, IN SCHOOL, AROUND GROUPS OF PEOPLE, JUST TO FEEL SAFE..

IT'S WHY I DON'T LOOK FOR JOBS!!!!!!!!!!! HOW THE HELL CAN I BE INVISIBLE IF I'M SAYING "EVERYONE LOOK AT ME!"? I'M JUST HOPING THEY WON'T FIND OUT WHAT I THINK ABOUT MYSELF, AND EVERY TIME I PUT A RESUME TOGETHER I'M LOOKING AT IT AND SAYING "BULLSHIT. WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO LIE TO?"

breathe.....................
 

fhorns

Registrant
Allen, I was writing this last piece at the same time you were posting. Thanks. Very much.

I NEED A HUG!!!!!!!!!!! Need to cry.

What kind of notes Allen?

Alfred
 
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pufferfish

Registrant
(((((Alfred)))))

You are OK. You are OK. You are OK.

Put up some notes like that.

Put up some notes that remind yourself that your perspective towards yourself and your wife are skewed (biased) right now because of how you were treated as a boy.

You can do it.

You can make it.

Don't give up.

Allen

pufferfish :whistle:
 

fhorns

Registrant
I'm following my sponsor and other guys who have been working through the 4th step- the personal inventory. Today Mom was on my list. Because of her messages, I believed I have failed, there is no hope for me in my (marriage), and I am totally rejected by her.

I feel I need to leave the house some today since the hurt and pain tell me to let her (my wife) know why I'm hurt. But----my mom is the one who hurt me. I'm just disgusted with the continual dejection of me--myself.

What's worse, I realized I internalized the message long ago. I believed it. I reject me, my mom did, and so does the closest one to me--my wife.

Yikes.

I'll need to spew more. I will. Thanks for keeping your door open. PM if you think it's better. But putting this out there for all is---well, I've hidden it my whole life.. This is my secret, and I don't want to keep it secret anymore. Doing that is killing me, for sure.

Alfred
 

fhorns

Registrant
Allen,
I realized I keep thinking my wife will be the "good mom" one day, that she will make it all better. That HURTSSSS!!! to feel, but it's what's destroying me and my wife. She's failing me!!!

IT WASN'T FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alfred

How did you make the change from unrealistic projections to healthy and realistic assessment?
 
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pufferfish

Registrant
Alfred,

It looks as though you're on the right track here.

Please don't try to make you wife fill in for where your mom failed. It won't work.

I've got to go to an appointment now (T) so I'll say more later.

Allen
 

Zkahtt

Registrant
Alfred,
I think Allen means affirmations when he says "put up some notes". Write something positive on a paper make it like a flash card and put it where you can see it often.

A method I was told to use when I was still allowing people to tell me I had self esteem problems, was to stand in front of a mirror and tell myself that I loved myself. "I LOVE You".
It feels weird to do it if you aren't acustomed but it does make you feel better. The thing I'm told, is to keep it up even if it doesn't feel good right away. You can tell yourself all the affirmative things you can think of.

I think the thing is that now that you know its your abuse based distorted perception of what she means when you have these negative undermining thoughts is to realize that you cannot change her you can only change you. Changeing yourself often brings out positive changes in others.
 
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fhorns

Registrant
You're right Kidney about changing me. To explain, I'll share.

I had two purposeful things happen yesterterday. The first: I started writing (and owning) the negative slights my mom put in me. As I wrote, I started knowing I had owned them ("You're worthless. You're a failure. You're a POS") I wanted her love, and I owned them. Noone else was around to counter the messages when I was growing up, so I believed this was all I had. And this was from about 13-18--the real growing up time. So yesterday I ended up on the phone twice with a guy who's gone a lot farther in his recovery from abuse. But I'm realizing I've owned these.

The second thing: After I had gone to my men's meeting last night, I came home and wanted to let my wife know why I had ignored her all day. I hadn't answered her calls all day. I told her I was directly in my 4th step focusing on my mother. I said I just wasn't "in a good spot", at all, meaning I was nasty and angry at all females. She had felt ignored, rejected, and a lot of old feelings were shared too. However, it was hurt she was sharing, not anger, so I listened. That made it doable for me. A personal accusation came up twice, guised in a question ("Why didn't you....?). I told her I couldn't answer it because it was an accusation, and not a question . And she dropped it. Thank God. It was peaceful, and in our house that was productive. It was a productive talk. And we're planning on getting with one of our pastors for marital counseling. I've been in contact with him a bit lately.

So, for yesterday, it was good. I am now going to pull out my 4th step and look at the reality of the messages I'm living. I'll get mad. I'll make a call or two. If I come here, I'll try chat. But Kidney, you're right. It starts with me.

Later.

Alfred
 
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fhorns

Registrant
Who else stifles their anger? I was scared sitting down with the written inventory, and after swigging a full cup of coffee (to suppress/distract myself, I know), I opened it up.

I had trouble concentrating on it. Not good for recovery work. Thought about this/that/didn't want to feel it all.

Yikes.

Declaring helplessness is an old survival strategy. It was/is used today, by my mom and myself. YUCK! I'm not helpless. Angry? Yes. Scared? Real scared. Scared to express. Scared I'll get in trouble for sharing or even KNOWING about my REALITY, past or present.


Anyone ever been here?

I'll go try again with the inventory.

Alfred
 

little big man

Registrant
This relates only a little. My father was dominant and has raped me. Later in life it took the form of my not being in chare of how much i ate. making me eat till it hurt. He had to be stronger and smarter than us kids. I would feel guilty when i was suceeding in college, something he always made fun of even of relitve who had a degree. He always had to display his superior strenth to us and make us feel ashamed and dumb.
When I have a girlfriend she is in charge and I am PWHi
 

fhorns

Registrant
I see you're new here lbm. I read your piece, and the other post you put in.

First off, welcome. Being new here is uncomfortable and scary, but also comforting and even inspiring at times. Welcome aboard.

What caught my eye in your other post was your time and experience in AA. Thank you for sharing that, as it shows a commitment, although painful, to yourself. I am not an alcoholic, but I have had years in Al-Anon, and many hours in AA, and I feel more at home right now in an AA meeting. (Because Al-Anon rarely has many men in the groups). I've never felt unwelcomed in an AA group, but I also haven't shared the sexual abuse there either. I read you shared yours, and the actions that followed. Damn, I'm sorry. That's terrible being in such a vulnerable position. Really, that would be tough for ANY guy.

My current home group is a Celebrate Recovery locally. I'm doing my third 12-step study, and the group is starting the 5th step. I started late in the group, at the start of the 4th step, though I knew all the guys. However, this time, different emotions surfaced, and I didn't do work on my 4th. I've disclosed the sexual abuse, but the verbal and emotional abuse started cropping up this year. I tried to deny it, did so to my own and other's hurt, but it isn't going away. It sits and festers. So, after taking numerous corrections, I have stepped back into my 4th. I'm working on my main abuser, my mom. I'm on the phone a lot lately with a guy who did 3 step studies himself, grew up in a violent family, and he knows it takes time. I'm here daily as I'm unraveling it.

The paradox in this is that this whole post started as a venting about my wife, and it's evolved into MY shit, my thinking, my poisoned reality. Kidney said above something I've let fly by for years: nothing changes if nothing changes, and when I change, my relationships will too. That's why I'm here--not to rant and rant and rant. I did in the past, and looking over my old posts (6-7 years back), that's what I needed. I wasn't ready for more. I felt, and acted, STUCK. And doing this hurts, but I need to do something different.

So welcome to MS, and thanks for your imput. I appreciate a fresh perspective.

Peace,

Alfred
 
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