Maybe Jesus Knows What He is Doing

If you have read my other posts, you know that dealing with my CSA has rocked my faith. I have followed Jesus for 35 years but can't really talk to him right now.

Though I feel disconnected from Jesus right now, I have been contemplating the example he set for us dealing with trauma. Peter denied Jesus three times. It was no doubt a traumatic experience for Peter to see Jesus crucified and then deny him. So it is interesting that when Jesus rises, he asks Peter three times "Do you love me?" I believe that there is a clear connection. You can almost sense Peter's defenses falling as he three times assures Jesus that "yes, I love you". I believe that Jesus is taking Peter back into his story, back to the trauma. It must have been shameful for Peter when Jesus asked him three times "do you love me". Jesus needs Peter restored so that he can become the Rock on which the church will be built. The only way is to go back into his story, back into the trauma so Jesus can heal it and redeem it.

My problem with Jesus right now is that he is asking me to go back to my trauma and face my shame. I thought at first I didn't want Jesus to see my shame. I realize now that I don't want to see it. I know that Jesus came to bind up the broken hearted and set the captives free. That certainly applies to me. It is hard to imagine how Jesus might redeem my story. I suspect that can only be seen through the rearview mirror.

My T has asked me to begin working the 12 step program as a way to healing and recovery. The first step is to go back into my story to understand it and how it has shaped me. I am glad I have 12 steps to do what Jesus "made" Peter do in 3.
Thanks for this, Greg. I appreciate your tying this to trauma and having to go back but this time with love. It is scary, I don't want to do it either but I do want to move on and grow in love. I haven't ever had a strong relationship with Jesus (writing it feels unnatural even though I was raised Catholic). I've been dancing close and then far to developing a relationship. When someone else makes sense of the bible in a way that I relate to, it helps me.