maybe i am being killed slowly for something i did in a past life

maybe i am being killed slowly for something i did in a past life
M

markgreyblue

Registrant
i dunno - i have worried i was a bad person

and after all this shit - that went down here in Canada -

I kind of feel my body and stuff giving out -

yesterday I went to a spa and got a back rub -

and as the guy rubbed me down - it's like he uncovered a devil -

I saw my self as some creature - inside -

People are getting more and more frightening -
at least the ones I do not know -

The ones who have proven themselves -
are ones I keep to -

the others -

I can't anymore - dunno

mark
 
u know what-

i am not gonna drive myself bonkers anymore -

i play by the rules - i am good enough -

no more head trips or wondering if i am truly
good - i am good enough - right now

- --

my mind went to a place that seemed characterstically greek - and also

reminded me of the movie Conan the Barbarian

I thought god or the gods will do what they will do - i am playing by the rules -

and not committing crimes -

so enough already- i don't have the time to worry about someone's or somethings judgement -right now - I mean -
oh whatever -

laters

m
 
((((((((((((Mark))))))))))))

Man, I'm SO with you on this right now.

Every once in a while, like, oh, say, these past few days, I wonder, really wonder, if God or the Fates picked me out for a lifetime's worth of screwing around. Maybe for the reason that I'm bad or because I must've done something truly awful.

Then I realize this is exactly the kind of crap our abusers drilled into us.

HAve I made mistakes? Yes. Have I made bad decisions on occasions? Yes. Have I had truly bad things happen to me? Yes. Does ANY of this make ME a bad person? No. A thousand times no.

The measure of if a PERSON is bad is if they purposefully went out to hurt others with NO REGARD to THEIR well-being. You don't strike me as that kind of person, Mark. Quite the contrary. You strike me as a very good person who, unfortunately, has had very bad crap happen to them. THIS doesn't make YOU bad. Never. Ever.

Many times you've been an example to others. Including me.

And, yes, I've missed you too. I'll be a better talker and listener in the future, my friend. :D

Peace and love,

Scot
 
(())

xoxox :)


hi scot!
 
Maybe we were given this burden to spare those who may not have been strong enough to survive it???? Just a thought....John
 
nah jon -

it's the bs served up in big doses -

we let it guide us in terms of what we go for and how we ruminate to keep a reality check at all times -

trouble is the reality we are checking into - is
wrong - and not our truths -

and so it is not satisfying or helpful -

amen
 
I disagree Mark - I believe I am on some sort of path. The troubles I've seen have brought me, ultimately, to a place that I love being in. Could I have gotten here without the troubles? I guess that's an irrelevant question though because this is my life. I'm starting to fell resolve with the notion that my life could not have happened any other way. Because here it is, there's no changing it, it just is.

And I control where I go in the future whether I get there slowly or quickly, with more trouble or without. There are things that will present themselves in my path that I will not bring there myself, but it's how I work with those things that keeps me in control. I know there's more to my thought but I'm coming up a little short on profundity right this moment. - John
 
identity is a powerful concept
 
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