May have to disclose

May have to disclose
O

onlyakid

Well, yeah, I may have to disclose to my parents in order to be able to go on the retreat in Canada.

Unfortunately, this morning my car started to have transmission problems, and I had it towed to the dealer. Well if the cost is high my mother who thinks I'm going to Maine with friends, may not let me go because she will want to find out where I'm getting all this money. She doesn't want me to spend my inhertiance (which by the way, I'm already doing in order to do this), and she'll know that I won't have enough money to fix my car and go to maine and of course tell me I have to stay home from maine (aka the retreat).

Let me explain something, I am 25 but I still live with my parents, I am at a dead end in my job and haven't finished college, so her concerns are valid being that she is still supporting me.

Anyway, I wrote her a disclosure letter and I wanted to see if anyone had any comments on it.

Dear Mom,
Well your probably wondering what this letter is all about and your thinking that it can't be good. Well its not horrible but it certainly isn't good. I don't want to alarm you, I'm fine theres no major problem but there is something that I need to tell you. I don't feel that I can go into too much detail at this point I can only tell you what I will tell you now.

Back when I was a kid, I was sexually abused, this is why there has been so much chaos in my life and why I have been so depressed and feeling sorry for my self. I'm doing fine, I'm seeing a counselor who has been specializing in sexual abuse since 1978, he is located in Lambertville and yes that is far but he is also one of the best in his field and I need to get that at this point. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner but I just wasn't ready to. I'm not ready to tell you anything more about this either, someday I may go into detail but I don't feel I can now.

I also want to come clean with you regarding my trip to Maine. I am not going to Maine, I'm going to a retreat in Canada on male sexual abuse, it is something that I feel I need to do, and my therapist is well aware of this and supports me and knows about the program. I am sorry that I lied to you but at that point I didn't feel that I could tell you this. The trip is all paid for and now cannot be canceled.

Please do not ask me about detail, I am not ready to tell you and I won't. I love you and I will get through this. I know you will be supportive and I need that right now. I do have a support network of people via an internet messageboard for male survivors of sexual abuse.

I am sorry to have to tell you about this and that was part of the reason I did not, I didn't want you to have to deal with something you can't do anything about.


Love,
Jason
 
Hey thats pretty good Jason. I had to disclose to my parents because I was going to testify against my abuser and they still have the local paper sent to them where they live now and have friends that would call them the second my name showed up in print.

Telling my mom was pretty hard but once I was done I felt a lot better and I came to realize something else. I realized I wasnt a kid anymore and that I didnt have to protect my parents feelings. Adults sometimes get upset and they would have to deal with it, but it doesnt mean I dont love them.

There is nothing unrespectable about still being home, especially in these economic times, but you may still feel like you are in that little boy dynamic and that could put some pressure on you to please your mom rather than upset her, shell be ok and youll feel better about the whole thing. You wont be fibbing about Canada, and I bet she will be a great source of support. Oh, you should be prepared that she may feel a lot of guilt about what happened to you, she may talk about all she could have done to prevent it and so on.

I hope that helps, you should feel free to pm me if you have any questions about telling my mom, good luck.

Curtis
 
I think it's an excellent letter. Proud of you Jason :)
 
Jason,

It is a very good letter. You tell her everything that she needs to know right now. You tell her why she can't know more just yet. You're being honest with her, and that has to be better than trying to hide your recovery efforts.

I hope that she will accept what you say in the spirit you offer it.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Jason,

A well written letter. Let's her know and explains your boundary on letting the details out. It assigns no blame and explains your desire to keep her from feeling the hurts you have. This should and hopefully will make your relationship with your mother stronger.

Take Care,
Bill
 
Jason,

That letter is well written and to the point. It states everything that you need to say. Good job.

I didn't tell anyone about the abuse 'til I was FIFTY, not even my wife. I kept silent for over 38 years. I just told my mom about it last year. I told her that it happened, it confused me for a lot of years, and I've been seeing a therapist(s) to help me deal with it and I'm doing pretty good now. I didn't go into any details with her and I won't. To my way of thinking, it serves no useful purpose. I know that she did the best that she was capable of at the time. She had/has her own problems to deal with and I have mine. We're both adults.

You wrote an excellent letter, I hope that everything works out for you. I've been to a few retreats now and the feelings of support and fellowship are just wonderful. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Take care,

Steve
 
Jason,

I am glad you are choosing to stop hiding... I know how tough it is to break the secret though. I have alluded that something may have happened in a discussion with my mom. Unfortunately, it made me feel worse, but anytime I disclose, I usually feel worse. I am sure that by bringing things into the open with your mom in a mature way with your boundaries set will be a good thing.

Proud of you too.

-Sean
 
Jason,

Very well worded letter, to the point and not talking about the things you are not ready to tell her. I too know how hard it can be to get away from parents since I still live at home. I have told my folks I am going up to Canada to meet frineds. I hate lying to them but I just can't tell them about my SA. Alot of the people that I have talked to her have siad that their folks can be a great source of love and support. You know your mom the most out of us how do you think she will take this letter?


lots of love, Nathan
 
Jason - I never told my parents, I never will as they are both dead.

I still haven't got the guts to tell my sister, even though I know she would support me more than anyone.

I just don't want to see that look of disgust on her face, not because of what happened - because I had not told her in 34 going on 35 years!

It's a brave letter to write & I hope you pass it on.

You've got so many years left, that you should not waste by keeping this to yourself. I wish I could have done the same at your age....22 years ago!

Best wishes...Rik.
 
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