May be entering a new phase
MrDon
Registrant
I find myself entering a new phase of my life. It is hard to explain and I can't put the exact time this has happened, but it is more and more becoming my path. I think as I look back over the past several years, there have been many things drawing me to this path in my life and preparing me for the steps I am now at. I'm not sure exactly where this path is leading me but where I am at on it right now, is exactly where I find myself wanting to be.
All of my life I had planned out to get the job, move up the corporate ladder and live comfortably. Have a family, buy a house and make sure that I had enough money to retire on before I ever got close to that age. At one time in my life I thought I would go back to school and get my phD in Animal Nutrition so that I could better help feed the world.
And.. what happened instead
Well I left the world of animal science as I wanted to begin broadening my horizons and my life. After filing for bankruptcy and basically losing everything I had in life, I made a career move towards computers. Of course this was all after recovering from being paraylzed, having daily anxiety attacks among other things.
Then I met someone in my life that I wasn't even looking for. They pretty much turned my world upside down in a good way. And even through my times of withdrawl and the daily battles we face together, I can say that I would want to be where I am in life with anyone else but Jeff. We've been together for over three years now and my long days at school and at work really make me miss him. I will be happy when school is finished so I can spend more time with him instead of being absent while present.
And after all of this, just when I thought my life was beginning to get some structure to it, I went through a year of unemployment that was harder than most of the things that I had been through up to this point. Coming out of that, I thought, ok now life is going to pick back up and within a few days of getting the new job, I got news of my mom's passing which shook my world very hard.
But through all of that, I have been brought to the point at the edge of the cliff where I now stand. It reminds me of a repeated thought my therapist would always share with me "when we step from the light of all that we have known into the darkness of the unknown, one of two things will happen. We will either have something solid to stand on, or we will be given wings and taught how to fly". That's pretty much where I now stand and just as other places in my life have been very scary, I am now standing at one of those places again.
Recently, I risked my full time job and asked to cut back to 4 days a week. While everyone was supportive, the CFO did tell me that "you realize, you are giving up some opportunities that I see down the road for you in the company". Even with that making me take a big gulp in my throat, I knew that the current schooling I am going for is exactly where I need to be. I now have about 5 months or left of school and will be working to get my license at that time. The point of decision will come as I will most likely not be able to balance a full time job and my hopes of the massage therapy together. How all of this is going to work out, I do not know. I have thought about it with great intent and time, but there are no known answers that are waiting for me that I can see. I just know where I am headed, but can not see where the next village is ahead of me.
Once again, I stand at the edge of all the light I have known.... and face the darkness of the unknown.
I do have a desire to continue my schooling and get my master's degree in counseling. While this may not be an easy road, it is one that I have revisited time and time again over the past few years. My aim right now in life that gives me my sense of purpose and direction is to help others find their way through the maze that many have experienced. That includes using counseling and massage therapy (energy therapies) together to help some heal from the horrors that life offered them. This is in part a personal path for me because so much is locked up in the cells of my body and I fight with a strong determination each and every day to rid those messages which are consuming my cells of valuable energy and oxygen.
Right now, where this path is going and how it will all play out is hidden to me. I'm trying to trust what I know to be true and keep trying to get myself to let the details work themselves out. That ain't easy coming from a survivor who liked to have everything under control in my life.
And I keep finding myself drawn to events of 9-1-1 or Iraq where people are hurting and need the healing of hands that understand. My heart longs to do this and my heart hurts with them as well.
The other day in my business class we were asked what we wanted to do with massage when we graduated. It was the first time in public that I uttered the words "I want to use massage to help survivors of child abuse and domestic violence". It was the first time that I stated this in a public setting and not just in a more private situation. Our instructor told us that if we release the thoughts and the words into the universe, that all the necessary things will fall in place. I think even though that is still hard for me to believe and accept, I am beginning to see it.
Gone are the days (or I keep pushing them out the door every day) where I have to be in complete control of life. I'm finding that to be in complete control of the world is almost impossible and it drains me from valuable things that I want to do in my life. Yet, as a survivor, I still do try to control things. One day, I will be free from this need.
Some people say I am a strong person and yet I often feel weak inside. I am just bound and determined that no matter what my abusers will not succed over my life. I had to fight to regain my physical life after paralysis and so to, I will continue to fight to reclaim all of myself. I'm not saying it is easy for me either as I struggle through many things but I am just not a person that is going to give up without a serious fight. I'm too strong willed and stubborn for life to get the best of me.
I'm not sure all of the reasons I chose to write this down and share it with the people that I have. I just felt it was time for these words to find their way out into the universe. Where they fall and what becomes of them is something only the universe is able to know at this time. But is an exciting journey that gives me purpose in my life and hope for a better tomorrow.
So stay tuned.... and I'll let you know what happens along the way.... thanks for just listening and reading and letting me share this with you.
All of my life I had planned out to get the job, move up the corporate ladder and live comfortably. Have a family, buy a house and make sure that I had enough money to retire on before I ever got close to that age. At one time in my life I thought I would go back to school and get my phD in Animal Nutrition so that I could better help feed the world.
And.. what happened instead
Well I left the world of animal science as I wanted to begin broadening my horizons and my life. After filing for bankruptcy and basically losing everything I had in life, I made a career move towards computers. Of course this was all after recovering from being paraylzed, having daily anxiety attacks among other things.
Then I met someone in my life that I wasn't even looking for. They pretty much turned my world upside down in a good way. And even through my times of withdrawl and the daily battles we face together, I can say that I would want to be where I am in life with anyone else but Jeff. We've been together for over three years now and my long days at school and at work really make me miss him. I will be happy when school is finished so I can spend more time with him instead of being absent while present.
And after all of this, just when I thought my life was beginning to get some structure to it, I went through a year of unemployment that was harder than most of the things that I had been through up to this point. Coming out of that, I thought, ok now life is going to pick back up and within a few days of getting the new job, I got news of my mom's passing which shook my world very hard.
But through all of that, I have been brought to the point at the edge of the cliff where I now stand. It reminds me of a repeated thought my therapist would always share with me "when we step from the light of all that we have known into the darkness of the unknown, one of two things will happen. We will either have something solid to stand on, or we will be given wings and taught how to fly". That's pretty much where I now stand and just as other places in my life have been very scary, I am now standing at one of those places again.
Recently, I risked my full time job and asked to cut back to 4 days a week. While everyone was supportive, the CFO did tell me that "you realize, you are giving up some opportunities that I see down the road for you in the company". Even with that making me take a big gulp in my throat, I knew that the current schooling I am going for is exactly where I need to be. I now have about 5 months or left of school and will be working to get my license at that time. The point of decision will come as I will most likely not be able to balance a full time job and my hopes of the massage therapy together. How all of this is going to work out, I do not know. I have thought about it with great intent and time, but there are no known answers that are waiting for me that I can see. I just know where I am headed, but can not see where the next village is ahead of me.
Once again, I stand at the edge of all the light I have known.... and face the darkness of the unknown.
I do have a desire to continue my schooling and get my master's degree in counseling. While this may not be an easy road, it is one that I have revisited time and time again over the past few years. My aim right now in life that gives me my sense of purpose and direction is to help others find their way through the maze that many have experienced. That includes using counseling and massage therapy (energy therapies) together to help some heal from the horrors that life offered them. This is in part a personal path for me because so much is locked up in the cells of my body and I fight with a strong determination each and every day to rid those messages which are consuming my cells of valuable energy and oxygen.
Right now, where this path is going and how it will all play out is hidden to me. I'm trying to trust what I know to be true and keep trying to get myself to let the details work themselves out. That ain't easy coming from a survivor who liked to have everything under control in my life.
And I keep finding myself drawn to events of 9-1-1 or Iraq where people are hurting and need the healing of hands that understand. My heart longs to do this and my heart hurts with them as well.
The other day in my business class we were asked what we wanted to do with massage when we graduated. It was the first time in public that I uttered the words "I want to use massage to help survivors of child abuse and domestic violence". It was the first time that I stated this in a public setting and not just in a more private situation. Our instructor told us that if we release the thoughts and the words into the universe, that all the necessary things will fall in place. I think even though that is still hard for me to believe and accept, I am beginning to see it.
Gone are the days (or I keep pushing them out the door every day) where I have to be in complete control of life. I'm finding that to be in complete control of the world is almost impossible and it drains me from valuable things that I want to do in my life. Yet, as a survivor, I still do try to control things. One day, I will be free from this need.
Some people say I am a strong person and yet I often feel weak inside. I am just bound and determined that no matter what my abusers will not succed over my life. I had to fight to regain my physical life after paralysis and so to, I will continue to fight to reclaim all of myself. I'm not saying it is easy for me either as I struggle through many things but I am just not a person that is going to give up without a serious fight. I'm too strong willed and stubborn for life to get the best of me.
I'm not sure all of the reasons I chose to write this down and share it with the people that I have. I just felt it was time for these words to find their way out into the universe. Where they fall and what becomes of them is something only the universe is able to know at this time. But is an exciting journey that gives me purpose in my life and hope for a better tomorrow.
So stay tuned.... and I'll let you know what happens along the way.... thanks for just listening and reading and letting me share this with you.
.