The ugly truth?
I never did it for pleasure, I did it to be lost in thoughts, I never discovered j.o. I have always done it prone. It has nothing to do with how it feels, hell I used to rub myself horribly raw, but it didn't matter.
A week ago I realized how numb I have always been to my genitals. Growing up, when I was done, I didn't clean up, I just fell asleep in the mess, cause to me, it just didn't happen. And no one (like my mother who washed the sheets) never said a fucking word. Ever.
I started early, elementary school. They were dry of course, but vile. Masturbation was always an ugly inward thing. My fantasies were direct rip offs of the assault, violence and humilation. I spend every waking hour dreaming of making out with beautiful boys, but wen it came time to masturbate, those lovely romantic visions were trampled.
A T suggested I attempt to explore physical sensation. I can a bit, on and off. But I am really working on it now. I don't want to be numb anymore! I won't be. I am taking it back and I will find easy pleasure.