I could of wrote the above post myself if I had been brave enough but reading your post and this thread has brought me to replyingTRIGGER WARNING!!!
It's back! But it probably never went away...
Yeah the masturbation shame. At least I can type the word "masturbation" now
It just feels wrong - not morally though - just wrong. And this extends to
my view of sex too. It's like it is a base act to me. I have false beliefs
that "clean people" aren't sexual beings. It's crazy obviously everyone(?) is a
sexual being and it's not true that they aren't clean. But to wrap my head
around "clean people" engaged in sexual acts is really difficult. Friends
(from MS) have tried to help me saying they masturbate too and it's ok - but
I cannot seem to wrap my head around them being sexual beings!
The sight of my genitals is bad enough but the most shameful thing of all
is ejaculation. This all makes sense because a lot of the abuse involved getting my abuser
off with masturbation and this was before I reached puberty. The ejaculation/semen part
is due to having to perform oral and swallow whether directly or from a glass cup.
The sensation of the squirting and the thrusting and the grunts...
I got in shape to improve my body image. It is one of the greatest things I
have done - I am proud of committing to it and how my body looks.
I have abs Thanks so much to my friends who have been encouraging me - you know
who you are! I explained to a friend that I thought getting lean and abs would
solve my masturbation problem - improved body image and the association of fat
with my abuser. He was skeptical and he was right. I think it helps a bit
but the problem remains. It's ironic how I'm finally proud of my body (aside from
genitals) - a goal I had for many years, yet I am in one of the more severe
depressed phases in my life.
So I am practicing abstinence but I am tempted and I'll give in sometimes.
Luckily my sex drive is low these days. But it doesn't seem worth it - when
I do give in I almost always feel shit afterwards. Disgusted with myself
especially as I clean up.
This is obviously a problem if I ever want to get into a relationship. I have
this belief any woman will be disgusted by me ejaculating - the feeling of shame
and being dirty will rear its ugly head. Getting naked will be tough enough.
Also because of this belief about "clean people" not being sexual beings causes
an urge (fantasy) for me to get a guy off to prove he is a sexual being. Yes I have watched
porn in the past and when I see masturbation or ejaculation I am surprisingly not disgusted
and find it comforting - I mean that this "clean person" is actually a sexual
being! But it doesn't make it much easier for me to accept myself as a sexual
being and the fact that being one doesn't make dirty.
I have discussed this with my T. Not a hell of a lot because it is so very difficult
to say the words "masturbation", "ejaculation", "semen" and "orgasm" out loud. Even saying
"my penis" or "my testicles" is pretty difficult. I am convinced she (my T) will think I
am dirty. And as regards friends telling me over and over again they are sexual
beings and it's ok falls on deaf ears It feels as if they are just being nice but
secretly they must think I'm dirty.
Currently I'm abstaining from everything something my partner says she's totally cool with
This is something that previously has caused many issues in the past my marriage or wanting to start a relationship it is compounded by the fact in my culture those relations are private especially that between myself and my current partner to talk about it would be dishonerable. But do you just pretend it's ok I can't because I'm not ok. I would like to work threw it but haven't got to the point of being able to say it to my T
This post is just really to say I Identify and thanks for posting I hope u too find a peace with it all one day