Masturbation and sexuality from 5 to 18 <Trigger>

[Winston]

I would like to describe various childhood sexual experiences that :
- I did on my own and alone or with same age boys
- I have trouble to accept even now
- I have clear memory about


5-6 YO : Masturbating by rubbing to bed. Weird thing is the fantasy associated, I imagined being sent in space in a "bed-ship". When I reached climax, I of course did not ejaculated, but I had the feeling to pee in my "bed-ship".
In this fantasy, I was the only kid dirty enougth to pee. Of course the boss of "bed-ship" operation humiliated me and told everyone about how dirty I was. I continued the space travel in the bed-ship soaked with urine. Being dirty and humiliated were the best of this fantasy.



6-7 YO : Masturbating rubbing to a bolster or teddy bears. The bolster was supposed to be someone, but I don't remember who.
Attempt to touch pool friend I was swimming with a boy of my school. Once, I had to stay with them. His mother asked us to take a bath. I remember clearly being focused on his penis during the bath, he had no interest in mine. During the bath, I ticked him on the back and front. I was aroused but his mother arrived to dry us. I don't know if she noticed something but he never went again to my home, and we never played together again.

8 YO Masturbation I discovered the idea of inserting objects in me. I started to experience with all sorts of object : pens, fingers, pencil... It was actually a bit painful, but exciting.
Non sexual I discovered that cutting tissue felt good. I lacerated my bed and a coach with a razor blade. My mom was unhappy.

9 Yo Beginning of puberty, hair and big wienner. Sexual experience I had my first sexual experience with consent. Sleeping to a friend place, we were in two different bed. At some point he offered me to come to his bed. We cuddle naked and face to face. Then he turned offering his back. I was affraid to hurt him since my penis was no more small size. I offered myself to be the girl, he did not wanted.
New experience with same friend I invited him to play Ninja Turtle on NES. He was actually really into the game, which was not my plan. I started to tickle him. At some point I proposed to get off our clothes. He was hard so I offered him to put it in my mouth. He accepted and I did it. I remember the taste of urine clearly, but I felt good.
He offered his back and this time I tried, but I stopped fast. It was clearly painfull for him.


10 YO
End of relation
My little friend together with his brother disappeared. They were sent to child care for some reason, probably abuse and neglect.
Also, both of them had very bad grades, and were often beaten by brainless bullies. This confirmed my idea that good grades, obeying and hiding all element of sexuality where key to happy life. I was wrong.

Non sexual First clear idea that I could end my life. Found a gun in parent room. On top of the shelve. For some reason I directed it to my head and cried. I took the habit to do this. It was a stress relief.

Non sexual Soiling pants when coming back to school. No witness but quite humiliating. This happened at various occasion after 10. Lot of complain from mum about me losing pants. I actually just threw the soiled pants and underwear in a wood next my house.

Some of these depiction might match a non pathological child sexuality. But I wonder where I got the idea of putting thing inside me, or sucking my friend. I equally wonder why I never talked about these to anyone. Also the suicide obsession is not a sign of happiness.
I have no clear ideas about what is clearly abnormal, I think half of previous would be a red flag.

 

[Winston]

11 YO masturbation I deeply investigate into putting object inside the back. I finally elected carrot to be the less painful. I masturbate over being raped fantasy.

me being abusive In holiday with a friend of my age, I instruct him on oral sex topic. I wanted to do this to him and managed to make him exhibit his penis (we were in the middle of nowhere). But he did not wanted. I kept trying to trick him into sex for the holiday, with "jokes" focused on me touching him.

12-13 YO [Masturbation] I started to be aroused by picturing me being physically destroyed. The scenario was always based on a drug that suppress pain, and stranger literally butchering me.
sexual experience A 17 YO guy (stepfather son) slept into my room for some reason. He wanted to watch TV, but I wanted to sleep. The little bastard threaten me to tell my mum that I showed him the gun she had. I remember crying quite hard while he was watching "X-Files".
Back then, there was an erotic movie around midnight on the 6th channel. He started masturbating and asked me to do the same, why not? I think he became somewhat uncomfortable because I was staring to his parts, he told me to stop but I did not. Then we slept.
The day latter, mum and stepfather left and I was with him watching TV on the couch. I started masturbating without warning, and asked him to do the same. But this time he went quite mad, he urged me to stop, which I did.
I remember clearly the whole experience, it was no big deal, but I don't remember if I was playing with his nerves on purpose.

14-15 Masturbation This one his creepy. I started by being aroused when wetting underwear. Soon, I was wetting and soiling for sexual pleasure. The worst part being that, being afraid of someone noticing mine where missing, I was stealing the ones of my mother.
Back then I had no idea how creepy this was. Now I realize but don't really feel dirty or guilty, it happened.

To be continued

 

[Stehewy]

Hello Winston,
could there be other reasons besides rape or abuse for the dysfunctional sexuality? What makes you so sure?
Greetings

 

[Winston]

The sexuality is only one aspect of a whole (depression, suicidal thoughts, irrational fears, flashback).
Plus lot of ugly things including verbal testimony of sexual abuse from two other people in family.
Besides that, using anal toy while cutting self at 8 seena to be quite a clear sign to me.

 

[Winston]

But you are right, there could be another explanation. I could be freakin pervert trying to indulge his sickness by accusing an innocent person.
Surely it's convincing. In fact, I have imagined all that abuse because I like to complain.
Certainly, it's a Freudian stuff that made me invented all this.
Before asking question like that you should use what is between your ears.

 

[Bluedogone]

Hi Winston,

There's a familiar saying that "if it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, sounds like a duck and acts like a duck, there's an excellent chance it's a duck. An honest and frank analysis of our early years, (as you've done so well) is an important step in determining where we go from here and how to continue our healing journey.

Denial is such a powerful tool in trying to deal with CSA that we may use denial as an answer to everything, when validation is what we really need if any kind of healing is to be accomplished. "Are you sure" can really be a downer in our progress. Your earlier experiences of sexuality, symptoms most abuse survivors go through, plus related experiences of abuse from your relatives only serve to let you know you're on the right path to recovery.

It's a long slow process, but best wishes and good luck as you continue this self analysis and continue your healing journey.

 

[Winston]

Thank you Bluedogone,
Denial and particularly self-denial can be very harmful I think. Self denial is quite vicious because it puts you responsible for years of depressions, irrational fears, distrust in general...

It puts you as the responsible of these things, that are not pleasant at all. I can imagine nobody wanting that on purpose, it makes no sense. But self denial whispers that you might be the freak, and nothing was done to you.

I don't think I am the freak and I think bad things were done, but it's true it still hurt when asked are you sure?

Best