Massive blow

Massive blow
R

reality2k4

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This stuff happened in 1964, and it involve me and my younger brother who is 5 years junior to me.

I took the abuse off the perp because he threatened that he would do things to my little brother.

The thing is, that it was presented to the cops, without me saying what happened was so bad as it was, and I only found out a few months ago, that my abuse was not reported!

It really had a bad affect on me, and I tumbled back into the real bad side of my life, where there was real terror.

The worst I thought was that, when it happened, I was too embarrassed to say what happened.
I would have been continually blaming myself for not being strong enough to say what happened.

He never got caught as I know of, but it must have meant that I blamed myself for not telling the cops everything, even though they should have been able to tell I was abused by me freaking out.

I blamed myself for years, often abusing my body.
Like it was my fault, and somehow I must have liked being abused to not tell.

Protection mechanism, is the word I was looking for.
I was using that instead of informing the cops with more information.

I was only ten, so guess the police might say it was my fault, and that is how I thought then.
Trouble is, when I go into my boy/man transition period, I think I was a wimp.

It is so complex being in my mind, but I would have been so mad at myself at not telling.
I guess its part of the silence, and even when I meet this boy of 13yo he is hurting.

I get real flashbaks sometimes, and it was like ste was never meant to be a man because he didnt fight the demon he met in society.

I will get over it, but it makes me weep that little boys dont get hurt in society, when in reality they can be the ones who really hurt by all those around them,

ste
 
Hi don't be so hard on yourself it's not your fault. These perps know who to take advantage of and when. You were threatened and acted in the best intrest of your brother I would have done the same thing.
 
ste,

Yes, it is so easy to put the blame on the little guy. Problem is, the little guy was just plain scared shitless. I gave my brother's name to the perp in order to save my own skin, and subconciously I blamed myself for that all these years. Now looking back on it, I know I did the best I could. I was an innocent child who was not equipped to deal with the terror that came my way.

All of us found ourselves in that same situation. Same song different verse.

You're right. It makes me weep also, ste.

Lots of love,

John
 
ste,one thing i see your maybe forgetting ,your brother wasnt abused ,who knows if you had not gone along maybe he would have gone after him ,what you did is what any brother who loves his brother would do ,i dont see a thing wrong with that ,in fact i think it shows some real strength from such a little guy . sometimes you got to look for the good in the bad you know? adam
 
One thing I noticed with me is when I have thoughts of what I could have done different, how I could have spoken up more, or how I could have fought back, it is always the adult I am now taking these actions inside my head, never the child who endured the abuse.

I always say very few survivors would know 100% how to respond when faced with the abuse and almost all perps know 100% what terror they are inflicting upon the children/teens so try not to beat yourself up too much over it.

Take Care and Be Well
 
Surely a perp does not do that, not to a a child!

I cannot disagree though, because all I thought over time is that he just raped me of my innocence.

Did he see the years of hurt that a child endures!
To rob a child of their innocence is truly an act of deep cruelty.

How can you see how deep your sword would penetrate his heart!
Did you want to kill his spirit as a little boyy that day?

Perps dont have a mind of their own, and to take an innocent mind is one of the worst crimes known to man, believe me it is, and there is good testimony to that, in this place,

That is why we must go easy on the little boy inside us,

ste
 
Perps dont have a mind of their own, and to take an innocent mind is one of the worst crimes known to man, believe me it is, and there is good testimony to that, in this place,

That is why we must go easy on the little boy inside us
Click to expand...
ste,

I read that and wept. To me that is the most simple and yet all inclusive answers I've ever heard to the question "Why?" They don't have a mind so they try to take one from an innocent.

Thanks so much for sharing that thought.

Lots of love,

John
 
Ste,

In working through all these issues you are doing so with such passion and honesty - it really is great to see this.

But try also to see that many of the things you talk about are really the betrayals or shortcomings of adults and had nothing to do with you. The fault belongs entirely to them. They worked for it - let them have it.

Much love,
Larry
 
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