Masochism

Masochism
M

Mike Church

Registrant
POSSIBLY TRIGGERING

Definition:

The deriving of sexual gratification, or the tendency to derive sexual gratification, from being physically or emotionally abused.
The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from being humiliated or mistreated, either by another or by oneself.

I went to the Clarke Institute today and spent 2 hours with a staff Psychiatrist. I wanted to talk about chemical castration. He explained to me that that would be a last resort.

We spoke about my life and he asked very probing questions and I found myself opening more and more.

The long and the short of it is I am addicted to pain, violence and humiliation and degredation. Every time I daydream it is about someone or a group doing totally obscene and violent things to me. That is also what my nightmares are all about.

I have been addicted to heroin, alcohol and cigarettes. What is one more? Not much I guess.

I am going to spend another four hours on August 19 finding out what particular forms of violence, pain etc that I crave the most. Then he said that we will work on a plan to do correct this.

I found out that I am depressed all the time or at least every day. I am sad all the time.

At the same time I crave the violence etc I go ballistic over any form of control or authority. I will fight anyone who I perceive to be doing this to me. I have been that way all my life. What a paradox. But the violence has always been a willingness on my part to put myself seriously in harms way. The things that I have had done to me willingly would turn most peoples hair white. For me it was the thrill and the rush of winding up potentially dead meat that was such a turn on. Oh the Risk was so sweet. Not proud of it but there it is. The closer I perceived myself to being snuffed the better it was. And to have an audience while it was happening was like a heroin kick. To see the faces of the watchers hungering for the ultimate high!!!

I really think that eventually being murdered by a complete sadist is the ultimate high. Not that I am going there but he helped me see that.

Along with the pain and violence was the degredation and humiliation. God I felt wanted. What a screwed up thought process that is.

When it was all added together that is how I got off. And I got off mainly in my mind and not physically. An orgasm on my part screwed up the whole thing. He showed me that it was necessary for me to experience no kind of rush like that for it to be satisfying for me. I did not deserve the satisfaction of that. I have been that way all my life. Orgasms to me mean that I have failed and was a totally selfish thing on my part.

For the first time in my life I now realize how low I was forced to sink and that I dont even know how to pull myself out of the pit. I dont even know if I should. And I mean that. What if there is nothing else. I am terrified of the future right now but I have to continue down this path to see where it all plays out. I do know that if I ever re-enacted my abuse and the violence I so crave that there would be nothing left to live for because I could not stand myself anymore.

I see my other Psychiatrist next week and in the meantime I will ponder my future and what it means to me.

I still cannot cry.

All I want is to grow old with my wife and see my daughter happily married, play with my grandchildren yet to come and finally to see my little brother Alan happily married to Marc.

Is that too much to ask for.
 
Although masochism is not neccesarily a bad thing, it seems like a great deal of abuse survivors have such tendencies in a less-than-healthy way, and understandably so.

I think the difference between masochism as a fetish and masochism as a psychological disorder would be what experiences you associate it with and whether it upsets you or makes you feel degraded that you have mascochistic tendencies..

Just my two cents.
 
What if there is nothing else.
Click to expand...
Ah, but there is, Mikey. You named them yourself.

grow old with my wife and see my daughter happily married, play with my grandchildren yet to come and finally to see my little brother Alan happily married to Marc.
Click to expand...
These things, and more delights that you don't know yet will come.

I am terrified of the future right now but I have to continue down this path to see where it all plays out.
Click to expand...
Yes, you do. Respect and honor your need to learn about how you got to this point. Knowing where you've been, where you're coming from will help you in the journey forward.

You're a strong man, full of so many good things that you clutched to yourself and nurtured in some inner place during the abuse and the years of denial. Give yourself credit for that. Listen to the guys here thanking you for all that you have done for us.

You're good people, Mikey.

Joe
 
I am glad you are getting help MIke, is sounds like they can hlep. It doesnt sound like fun, the addictive part of it. I am also glad you are here.
 
Mike, many times we have talked about self-abuse, and the things we have done. you know you are not alone in this. i have learned that what is in the past is best left behind you, owned and accepted, but in the past still. i live for today and tomorrow. i was abused, i did unspeakable things, but i am not going to do them today or tommorrow. take time to reflect each day, and time to pat your self on the back for a day lived right. i know you have not done these things for years. thinking perhaps, but not actually acted them out. that takes a lot of courage and strength. dont sell your self short. you are very strong and very passionate.

live well my friend, you deserve that.

jeff
 
Mike

It hurts me to see my brave, loving, kind strong brother/father mikey in pain.

The currency running through MS these days surely, painfully further complicates our daunting our daily struggle. Mikey, remember there is more clarity in a stream whose current is in motion, as opposed to the stagnancy of one inert.

Finding new insights is a result of work done well, and yes, of course we know that this always [I hate absolutes and this is probably why] always, always, leads to the next layer, the next challenge to be revealed. It is not an end, unless you decide to make it so.

You have graduated dad, to a brand new challenge. Don't you just want to vomit? Don't you just want to run srceaming from your skin? Just when you were coasting along nice and ez duzit, bam!

I never dreamed that in finding big closure upon my recent visit to pittsburgh, that I would come back to MN with the legs kicked out from under me. Now I find I have the challenge to find new legs and create a new life that is organized around prosthetic legs, figuratively speaking.

As a body gets older it needs new teeth, hair, knees, etc, -- it sucks bigtime to think that the only certitude in the life of a survivor is that he will not only age physically, but emotionally and mentally he will have to have parts replaced and that life becomes a series of such operations.

I guess it is much like the diabetic who lives in fear: this year a foot, next a lower-leg, next a thigh.

But you know, that lots of people live good lives in spite of inheriting chronic debilitating conditions. I am not trying to minimize the devastation wrought upon us by our perps. I am just saying that this is the hand we were dealt, dammit.

Mike, your essence, your soul, spirit, the thing that makes up "you" in the best sense of the word, can't be affected by what happened to you in outside circumstances. It is the strongest most powerful energy ever created, and yes while there is a continual struggle to transcend the gravity of the physical and all that it entails, this non-physical part of us that wants us to live on, resists the tendency of molecules to submit.

I am trying to give myself a pep talk as much as I am trying to give you one, Mikey, I know. Can you blame me for wanting to look into the mirror that is you and see the brightest and best that this existence has to offer for us?

You are in my prayers daily mike, and thanks for all the support you bring to MS. It is invaluable, and so are you.

Blessings,

Ron
 
Guys I really appreciate what you all have said. I needed to hear it. I will be alright and will look at this as just another pot hole. I have the support I need and will see it through.

To any of you who have issues that are getting you down all I can say is work your butt off to correct them and get all the help you can from whatever sources are available to you, including here. I am truly amazed at the strength that is shown here by all of you.

But most of all stay with us. The more powerful we become the more we will be paid attention to.
And that is so important for those that have yet to find us and sadly for those who are being or about to be abused. We owe to ourselves and to them.

If some of you are guests please give strong consideration to becoming a full member of Male Survivor. The cost is in line with your income levels. Have a look. Our board is all volunteer and their time is extremely valuable. All you have to do is look at their achievements to see this. MsADmin is also providing his time and frankly I do not know where Fred has any time for himself.
But there are many other things that require funding. It is not inexpensive to carry the message. There are the conferences he retreats the lobbying etc. So guys give it a try.
 
Mike,

What all the guys have said goes double for me.

You're a beautiful man. I'm proud to know you.

The help you give us all is beyond heroic, considering the tremendous personal cost it took for you to get here in order to share it with us.

The great thing here, Mikey, is that we know all these things about you, because you have so generously shared your experience, strength and hope with us. And because of all that we have learned about what you have been through and not in spite of it....................
.................we value your life, treasure your companionship and love you exactly as you are.

}}}}}}}}Mikey{{{{{{{{{{ A really big, totally safe Lone Star sized hug from your brother in Tejas.


Proud to be a part of you, Mike,

Best regards,
 
Mike,

You are a treasure to this forum and you already know what is to be done.

Quote:
__________________________________________________

For the first time in my life I now realize how low I was forced to sink and that I dont even know how to pull myself out of the pit. I dont even know if I should. And I mean that. What if there is nothing else. I am terrified of the future right now but I have to continue down this path to see where it all plays out.
__________________________________________________

You know what else is there. It is to replace all the other stuff that is coming up. It has to fade eventually.

Stay strong. Stay focused.

Freedom
 
I can't even begin, it sounds so much uncomfortable of you. I suppose is good thing, to be able to recognize the 'addiction' of this, and what you receive of it. I can not imagine how much fear and worry you have of all this. But I do believe that you can recover of this, as you have of addiction before. It is sad, that you must go through of all this work again, but I do know that you are worth it, the work, and that you do have more of life that you can look forward of. You mention it in your post, the last bit of it, that you wish to live your life with wife, children, loved ones, and I believe you will do of that. Understanding of all this, that puts you so much ahead in healing of this.

I do not know it is as of 'masochism', as there is not sexual gratification of it. But few times in last some weeks, I have gone out to bar, not so much to drink myself. But I try push at fight of someone else, someone more drunk and bigger of me, to make fight happen. Because I feel need to be hurt of someone, not sexual, but physical. As I say, I get no gratification of it. But it feels good at me, right, and make me feel some comfort. So, as is not total what you speak of, I can understand of some.

I wish you well, and have faith that you will be better of this. You are strong man who already has survived of many things, and have been good enough person to help others also. I hope you know you will have support here as you deal of this.

Leosha
 
Mike
my acting out took a similar path, I was looking for the ultimate humiliation. Which is how I ended up giving a bj to a stranger just inside the outside door of a public toilet - yards from the street.
I was after the rush the risk gave me.

And like you I wasn't interested in my orgasm. I never had one acting out. In fact I wouldn't let anyone touch me or even expose myself fully.

I felt like shit, I'd been treated like shit, all I expected was shit. So I looked for the biggest shit pile I could imagine.

But we get past it Mike, slowly and with the support of fellow survivors.

Dave
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top