Masculinity-Heterosexuality and the doom of doubt
Saleboat66
Registrant
MY god, this is how i feel too, and when the feelings of desiring a woman hit me, I reflexively move it away and toward men or the absolute lack of experience I have in ever really dating, or having those late teen to 20's time of gaining knowledge of how to interact and pursue a woman, because I never knew a woman desired me. I'm 52, and leaving a marriage that ended for many reasons but the primary one is my affair with other men, which for me, is humiliating in and of itself, but I understand it, i know why it was I sought these out. These occasions never felt "right" to me, but because I had come into my teens while still being abused, and what had been submission to this adult soon became about my own pleasure,because of my age being 12-13, the monumental imprinting of sexual pleasure was lit during this, paired with the abuser being the one male relationship that i had where I wasn't shamed verbally (although the years of abuse became my great shame), and he soon dropped me as I was no longer a child, and there I was, 13, full of so much desire and only knowing the acts of male to male, didn't know how to manage it, so I would continue to seek out other males, and never had any relationship or anything other than one night drunken affairs,and this continued until I married and then became a part of my life again, whenever I felt extreme stress. it was like I needed to find my security, the guy that would let me control our interaction, while also comforting me, i sought out the most masculine of men, so I could feel protected and also control the interaction. i was trying desperately to undo the doing of my past, and it was not the healthiest way, and it caused further confusion, I would at times be so excited about it that I was almost breathless, then other times I was involved and wanted nothing to do with what I was doing. I loved being with my wife, and had met her through my friendship with her sister. I never dated her, it just progressed over a summer my junior to senior year of high school and ended when i was 46. I literally had woman get into my bed before I was married, I had an internship, in which looking back, i realize now what was occurring but then had no idea. I reported into a woman-in her 30's, who would take me to dinner,drinks, to her rather large and recently divorced home, and one night, i was leaving and she grabbed my face and kissed me like you kiss a lover, but what did i do, smiled and drove away. I never imagined any woman would desire me, despite my then girlfriend very much desiring me, but I pushed that off to her being overweight, so of course she likes me, she was "fat" and I was gay. I had an apt in New Haven, and three times, once with a co worker, and one time with two different female friends, I was in bed, and they got into bed with me. I know now that they wanted to have sex, and I had no idea and walked them out of my room and told them let me go to sleep. Again, not thinking it was me they were into because nothing I was would make young woman take their clothes off and get in bed with me-I saw it all through the friendship gauze, but if the same had occurred with men, it would have been immediate action and my body lit with intention. I missed out on having these experiences because I felt nothing toward these woman, and had no idea they wanted me in that way. The thing is, I never wanted to do much with men, I wanted it all done to me. and then for them to leave.
But, with my wife, when we were involved, it was natural feeling and made me sense my own maleness and masculinity, very much felt like the protector and the aggressor, while she was feminine and inviting, and the afterward was what I loved too, to have her in my arms, to talk, to kiss, I never felt this way with a man once it was over, only to get out. And I'll end with one of the most powerful things I have ever felt, and I have not felt since. It was the first time as an adult that I thought maybe I am ignoring something or successfully dulling my desire so that I feel nothing toward woman, but this occurred and I cannot undermine the intensity of the desire. I have never forgotten it, and wish i had acted on this desire, because it was so real and so raw, and i felt these feelings that were so foreign to me. It felt amazing.
I was in a new role, and had two woman who reported directly into me. One of these two had that "thing" that complete presence that rattled me in every good way imaginable and I realized how i acted differently in front of her, around her and with her. In retrospect, I tried to become less of the flamboyant me that everyone knew and which was called out as gay, usually at the most humiliating time. I was acting or trying to engage her and had that fluttery feeling in my stomach, meanwhile, she had a boyfriend and I was newly married. And it continued and I wanted to be around her, get to know her, and was upset I was married-then one day, we were in the office and I was pretending to be some person that did not impress her, and I was overwhelmed with the strongest and most intense desire to kiss her, to just lean over and move her head toward mine and kiss her in a way that she would never forget nor mistake the reason I was doing it. The degree of want, need and attracted to was over the moon and it took me physically having to leave the office so I would not do it. And I would have bet money that she felt something toward me, but I never found out and left the job within two weeks.
The intensity, the emotion, the authenticity, the desire, the literal want of kissing her was like nothing I have ever felt with another man, and when I was younger, had smaller like feelings for another girl who was a summer beach visitor where I lived. The butterflies, the wonderful anxiety in my mind of holding her hand, and the very new and pleasant physical reaction that made me want to be as close as I could to her body, so she could feel how excited she made me-I was probably 11 or 12, very beginning of puberty, and I guess I still had enough of my internal self still intact to act on these feelings as a boy does, and I kissed her and held hands that was all. I didn't know what else I should do, but it was an amazing feeling and then it was put out. and It came back once, with that one other woman who rocked my whole being-and now, divorcing, still acting out, still figuring out what may always be confused now, wanting to be with a woman fearful of my past coming back when or if i ever find the woman that makes my stomach have those butterflies, and being afraid to do what is natural to most men, talk to a female with the intention of interest, and not friendship. I'm 52, and I don't want a 50 year old woman, I know that sounds terrible, but I want a 30-35 ish woman who is into me and i'm into her, but everything from the abuse and my own shame and feelings of being valueless keeps me from acting forward, and time keeps marching on, and I have no idea what I am doing, and no guys to talk to, I'm trying to find a therapist, and I wish for one period in my life that I find that girl who creates feelings in me that I don't doubt, that she feels these too, and I land the love of my life, or maybe of that year
long one sorry
But, with my wife, when we were involved, it was natural feeling and made me sense my own maleness and masculinity, very much felt like the protector and the aggressor, while she was feminine and inviting, and the afterward was what I loved too, to have her in my arms, to talk, to kiss, I never felt this way with a man once it was over, only to get out. And I'll end with one of the most powerful things I have ever felt, and I have not felt since. It was the first time as an adult that I thought maybe I am ignoring something or successfully dulling my desire so that I feel nothing toward woman, but this occurred and I cannot undermine the intensity of the desire. I have never forgotten it, and wish i had acted on this desire, because it was so real and so raw, and i felt these feelings that were so foreign to me. It felt amazing.
I was in a new role, and had two woman who reported directly into me. One of these two had that "thing" that complete presence that rattled me in every good way imaginable and I realized how i acted differently in front of her, around her and with her. In retrospect, I tried to become less of the flamboyant me that everyone knew and which was called out as gay, usually at the most humiliating time. I was acting or trying to engage her and had that fluttery feeling in my stomach, meanwhile, she had a boyfriend and I was newly married. And it continued and I wanted to be around her, get to know her, and was upset I was married-then one day, we were in the office and I was pretending to be some person that did not impress her, and I was overwhelmed with the strongest and most intense desire to kiss her, to just lean over and move her head toward mine and kiss her in a way that she would never forget nor mistake the reason I was doing it. The degree of want, need and attracted to was over the moon and it took me physically having to leave the office so I would not do it. And I would have bet money that she felt something toward me, but I never found out and left the job within two weeks.
The intensity, the emotion, the authenticity, the desire, the literal want of kissing her was like nothing I have ever felt with another man, and when I was younger, had smaller like feelings for another girl who was a summer beach visitor where I lived. The butterflies, the wonderful anxiety in my mind of holding her hand, and the very new and pleasant physical reaction that made me want to be as close as I could to her body, so she could feel how excited she made me-I was probably 11 or 12, very beginning of puberty, and I guess I still had enough of my internal self still intact to act on these feelings as a boy does, and I kissed her and held hands that was all. I didn't know what else I should do, but it was an amazing feeling and then it was put out. and It came back once, with that one other woman who rocked my whole being-and now, divorcing, still acting out, still figuring out what may always be confused now, wanting to be with a woman fearful of my past coming back when or if i ever find the woman that makes my stomach have those butterflies, and being afraid to do what is natural to most men, talk to a female with the intention of interest, and not friendship. I'm 52, and I don't want a 50 year old woman, I know that sounds terrible, but I want a 30-35 ish woman who is into me and i'm into her, but everything from the abuse and my own shame and feelings of being valueless keeps me from acting forward, and time keeps marching on, and I have no idea what I am doing, and no guys to talk to, I'm trying to find a therapist, and I wish for one period in my life that I find that girl who creates feelings in me that I don't doubt, that she feels these too, and I land the love of my life, or maybe of that year
long one sorry
