Masculine identity
Did the abuse affect your idea of yourself as masculine. If so, how? Have you found ways to reclaim it?
This week was my 5th anniversary with my trainer, my bodybuilding coach. What does that have to do with sexual abuse? For me, everything.
When I was assaulted in the playground in front of everyone my masculine identity was stolen. I was a fraudulent boy, incapable of fulfilling even the basic function of defending myself. My cherished role as my twin sisters protector was a fraud. I was a fraud. My boyhood wasn’t even a joke, it was completely erased. I was nothing. All I wanted was to be like the other boys. I wanted to have big muscles. But that desire revealed my audacious belief that lowely me, non-boy me could get stronger. How dare I!
I am seeing a fuller picture of what my masculine ideal is. Physical strength is involved, but not as an offense. Peeling back through the layers I am seeing clearer what I have yearned for. I was honored to provide my sister was a sense of safety, it was duty I was proud my mother saw fit to bestow me. I am understanding how much kindness and compassion are key elements to my manhood...and muscle, cause hell, I will never let that ambition be shamed again.
This week was my 5th anniversary with my trainer, my bodybuilding coach. What does that have to do with sexual abuse? For me, everything.
When I was assaulted in the playground in front of everyone my masculine identity was stolen. I was a fraudulent boy, incapable of fulfilling even the basic function of defending myself. My cherished role as my twin sisters protector was a fraud. I was a fraud. My boyhood wasn’t even a joke, it was completely erased. I was nothing. All I wanted was to be like the other boys. I wanted to have big muscles. But that desire revealed my audacious belief that lowely me, non-boy me could get stronger. How dare I!
I am seeing a fuller picture of what my masculine ideal is. Physical strength is involved, but not as an offense. Peeling back through the layers I am seeing clearer what I have yearned for. I was honored to provide my sister was a sense of safety, it was duty I was proud my mother saw fit to bestow me. I am understanding how much kindness and compassion are key elements to my manhood...and muscle, cause hell, I will never let that ambition be shamed again.