Married to a Male Survivor

[jilliant]

Hi. My husband was abused twice as a child by people he trusted. A neighbors daughter and another neighbors daughter and son. He was touched and made to touch body parts. I dont want to sound selfish by this. I am very understanding. After what he has gone through I think he is doing well. We went to therapy for him and our marriage as i think it was affecting it. The therapist was good but he felt there was no way to resolve anything as he would never actually confront the people. SHe said that he should avoid them, so it wont ever make him feel uncomfortable. We live in another city and is fine with it. HE doesnt like talking about it but seems generally happy. However, his sexual side is what bothers me. He is not affectionate and last week I told him that the porn was excessive.. i think he realized this and threw it away. Which i thought was considerate. He still however, constantly masterbates, which means.. we hardly ever have sex. Maybe 2 times a month and we are 30. It is getting less and less as the years of our marriage go by. I am sure he prefers it to sex because he does it so much we hardly ever have it. I dont know if this is because of the abuse or what. i dont know what to do. Its like we are roommates sometimes. Please offer advice if you can. i would appreciate it. THanks

 

[Zipser]

Hi Jilliant,

First, welcome to MS. I hope you find the resources that will help you understand what happened to your husband and that you will find the members to be forthright and open.

I'm not a professional in the field but I do think there's a higher incidence of your husband's behaviors amongst survivors than in the general population. Survivors of SA have had their world turned upside down and what should be viewed as a healthy and positive activity often times brings back memories of the abuse.

Are you still in counseling for your marriage? If so I think it's a legitimate topic for you to discuss. At your age it's not unreasonable to expect more physical attention.

If you read many of the replies to new members who are Friends and Family you'll see almost universal encouragement to take care of your own needs as well. While it's commendable for you to stand by your husband as you are doing, you are also his partner with your own needs and wants too. Your husband may need to be reminded of that.

Welcome to MS.

Regards,

Zipser

 

[roadrunner]

Jilliant,

This sounds like something that should definitely be taken up with your husband's T.

What may have happened is that your husband may see sex as something that is only physical gratification and not something shared between two people who love each other. It may be something that brings up old fearful memories and unresolved issues. It really sounds to me like he doesn't trust sex to be a safe fulfilling experience; to him it's more or less what he sees in the porn magazines. He may feel, at some unconscious level, that to have sex with you is to treat you like the women in the magazines are treated.

If even the half of this is true it must be a terrible problem for him. I hope he will get the professional help he will need to deal with this. You sound very understanding, and he's lucky to have your support.

Much love,
Larry