Married men.

[anxietydepressio]

For those who are married, when did you tell your wife?

Trigger warning.....

If you knew who assaulted you, but never went to authorities, what was your wife’s reaction. Did she want you to seek justice? Did she confront your abuser?

I’m continuing to carry the weight of what happened because to don’t wish to cause my family any pain. Between this board and therapy it’s probably the only way I’m getting through.

 

[learning2remember]

I think telling the wife CAN be an important step for healing for a lot of men. It MIGHT be a safe place to share personal pain, and MAYBE find support. I emphasise the indefinite here, because in theory I would like to believe these things happen.

None of that is my experience, though. My wife said my mother would have never abused me and I must be remembering something wrong. I told her about coming to this site and she warned me not to come home one day telling her I'm gay. I told her I was going to therapy and when she found out the therapist was a woman she wondered if we were cheating on her together.

Basically, my disclosure brought out the worst in her. I vowed never to mention any of it to her again, and I haven't. It is sad, that's the way it is.

I think partially related to you post is that I one reason I have not gone public with my abuse is that I did not turn anyone into the authorities. One is now dead and the other one, well, it's complicated.

I also wonder what my 2 sons (ages 18 and 19) would think about me if they found out. In part I want to protect them from this part of their family's story, and in part I want to protect myself from what they might think of me.

 

[dark empathy]

My experience is almost a direct opposite to Ltr's above.

My lady has probably been the single best ally in my healing and person who has helped me most.
She knew before we were married, indeed she knows more of my abuse than most other people. I'm now at a point with her where I can behave differently than I can with anyone else, I can talk about the abuse casually, just have it be a fact of my history.


I admit, a lot of this is because I knew! if we were to have any sort of physical relationship at all, my lady had to be aware, indeed she asked me to tell her what I would or would not find triggering, it is because of her that I am no longer genophobic.


This isn't to say things are easy. My lady, being an extremely gentle person does find my resentment hard to deal with sometimes, and will tell me as much, likewise at the moment she's trying to help me disclose my story to others.

The fact that most of the sexual abuse I went through was at the hands of women and girls doesn't bother her at all.
}
I admit I have been astonishingly lucky in being married to someone like this, heck, I'm lucky in being married at all. The fact that my lady has worked as a therapist and has encountered male survivers of sexual abuse before (she even said that if she can't do on stage performing that is one area she'd love to work in), probably helps.

But yes, I can say for me, the experience of sharing my abuse with my wife has been nothing but positive.

 

[anxietydepressio]

There is nothing I would like more than to have her support me. It would be a huge relief, but I also know she would probably want justice. I also worry about how she will look at me after she knows. I wonder ltr do you wish you would have kept quiet? Did confessing create more problems than good?

Dark empathy you are a unique situation with someone who has perspective on this. Most women don’t have that perspective.

At times I feel great and like myself again. At times I feel terrible. And guilty for putting myself in a situation where this happened.

 

[Bluedogone]

anxietydepression, an interesting topic.

As a late teen I told my first wife (of three weeks - later divorced). Her reaction was complete indifference and treated it as a big joke, as if I were using that to get sympathy or as an excuse.

Now, after 47 years of marriage i still haven't told my wife. I think I learned my lesson early on. In our early years of marriage it may have helped for her to know. At this point, I see no need to bring all this to the forefront.

 

[traveler]

all of our stories are different. i am not sure how helpful this will be but anyway. . .

i successfully repressed my memories until i was in my 30s and got deeply depressed and suicidal. i told my wife and therapist in parallel - T in excruciating detail, wife in condensed version - usually within 24 hrs of the T. she was sympathetic but also somewhat miffed that i hadn't told her sooner - even though i couldn't tell something that i didn't consciously remember.

it was too late to take legal action against the peer abusers - besides, the step-dad was dead and one perp was a stranger that i would never be able to trace. obviously, there was no way to confront anyone.

she was supportive, but wanted to know everything and i didn't want to to into all the gory details with her in case it changed the way she felt and thought about me. it was also a strain trying to edit and repeat every T session and keep her satisfied - and sometimes i ended up comforting her when i needed to just regroup. i would not have been able to do therapy without her support, however - so it was necessary.

a couple of decades later, another wave of memories surfaces that had not come up before. this time, she was less sympathetic because the way she discovered my relapse was that she caught me acting out and saw my revelations of more abuse memories as an excuse. with the help of another T, we got through that crisis.

bottom line - it was essential for me to bring her into it, and she ended up being helpful, but it wasn't easy.

all the best to you as you struggle with the decision of how to proceed. i hope it turns out well, whatever you decide.
Lee

 

[anxietydepressio]

Yeah my situation is quite different as mine occurred while married. Making it far more complicated.

 

[CelloL]

I told my wife something happened when I was a kid - no details. She didn't ask. She was molested as a child by a church elder. I have not asked for details, either. She has indicated she cannot be called by one version of her name because of the abuse. She has been in therapy; I have not. She thinks I should.

 

[WG]

All that have thus far responded : I didn't speak of any of this for 50 years (yeah, I'm old - 64!). I've been married 36 years - and told my wife 4 years ago. Part of it was that she always thought something was amiss - off just enough to be noticeable, but everything else seemed alright - I had a good career, mowed the lawn, worked in the yard, did home repairs, kept our 2 vehicles in terrific shape, good father, involved with their schooling and other activities, and on and on. Outwardly I appeared to everyone as normal. Yet there was the parts - the intimacy - that sorely lacked. She thought I might have preferred men - no. She thought it was her - No. And we left it at that......until I couldn't stand ME any longer and knew something had to change - and it was me. I called several therapists, attended sessions and after going through 3 different ones, landed with the excellent one I have now. He's brought me through so many traumatic memories (that I can recall anyway) and been terrific encouragement and support.
Back to my wife - she has been so supportive and kind. She'll hold my hand when she sees me being triggered or getting sad. She will ask from time to time if I'm OK with something - and I truly appreciate the kind support. I have also told my children - all at once in the same room. They were quiet, didn't ask much and have been great around me - even though this filthy violation was done repeatedly to their Dad - it's as if it never happened. They don't ignore it or pretend, they acknowledge it and move on. Their lives are career, children, home, friends, etc. I am eternally thankful for the family I have. Ever thankful for the therapist I have, too.

 

[manipulated]

Wow, a bit of my life in each and every response above. I suppressed and didn't tell like a good boy for 40+ years. And after 32 years of marriage my wife found my graphic texts with a guy after all that time I wanted to hook up with...understandably she exploded and my life imploded as she would change moment to moment from strong support to scoffing, ridiculing, crucifier. It all came out. She saw my failure to share as a planned betrayal of our marriage but her history of abuse (yes I truly believe we locate each other without knowing) proved her strength as she didn't need any help.

She couldn't confront the Perp even though our marital home was within two miles of his farm where much of the abuse occurred as he died years before I told her or first T. She never directly confronted her father so I doubt she would have confronted the perp anyway but who knows? She did take great delight in telling hostesses and wait staff at restaurants as well as anyone who will listen from time to time MY story including recently posting it to facebook I understand. (I blocked her two years ago just before the divorce was filed.) She has sent not one but two detailed diatribes to my current lady as well as to our children as to my abuse also and her expert analysis as to how it has effected me "because he can't even be honest with himself let alone anyone else."

Finally after three years, two couples T's she walked out on, after ridicule in a restaurant as the guy who enjoyed abuse so much he didn't complain and sought out men later for more and after informing our adult children that their Dad was a closet homo and pervert we divorced.

I have found a woman who knows it all from before we dated as I met her after working with a great T and was ready to share, She holds me when I am triggered, she supports me in my needs for safety and security. Her love is of an unconditional type I have never known from my parents or my marriage that officially ended after 35 years.

My kids as adults have been terrific. Supportive and never showed disappointment indeed they saw the strength needed to go to T and to do the work to live again as a man and not as a terrified guilt ridden shamed shell of a man. Their relationship with my ex is unfortunately strained as she refuses T and chooses to deny she has any anger or problems other than me - as what I attempted to do with a guy was "so much worse than what Dad did for 18 years".

Not sure if this is helpful or just more venting for me but to the subject question it depends on the woman; the relationship; and the mental health of all involved all but your own mental health is beyond your control. Take care of yourself FIRST. Put the guilt and shame where it belongs - on the perp; Talk it through with your T BEFORE you share after the fact with a wife is my advise which is worth exactly what you paid for it.

 

[Ceremony]

Hi ad, I know there's always parts of anyone's story that resonate, but you're dealing with an adult situation while married.

I know how hard it's been to find the same story here, though, there are those here who know about being sexually assaulted as adults. The thing about yours is that a woman assaulted you. Recently another man had that happen, though not married and he was able to have her prosecuted. He stopped posting when this site went down. He was dealing with bisexuality too, so I think he needed more time to sort out what he needs to do.

I've been following your story, and others for a long time now. I get how frustrating it is to want to talk to your wife, but that there are ramifications. We share that some of those are sort of unknown, but we know our wives and they don't respond the way an ideal is. I have set up a rather high bar for my ideal, so I know it being unrealistic for another partner in my future is reality. It's the "grass is always greener" conundrum.

I however have had to deal with a very abusive wife, where you may be examining what your needs are from her, and what it's been like so far, to where you may be thinking things need to go.

I hope you keep on expressing your part of the story here, and in this thread you created. I resonate with your issues about talking to your wife, and I get that you're dealing with a woman who assaulted you when she made sure you were vulnerable. It's been a hard story for you to process, especially feeling alone with what could be perceived as a minority story. You and I have linked to stories that are relevant to your story, and the kind of assault you experienced is less rare than is exposed to all of us.

The rape drug or manipulation while drunk has long been the standard for non-consensual sexual assault and rape. Men who have it done by a woman will have added depths of stigma and realizations that they're particularly unlikely to be believed. Then you add being married. I wholly get how caught you feel.

 

[motmcd]

...

 

[Suwanee]

I didn't tell my wife until ten years or so after we were married. During the Boy Scouts "Perversion File" release along with the Penn State/Jerry Sandusky revelations (damn, I hate that name), I began to unravel. On a business trip, I sat in my hotel room after the day's events and saw way too much news and a switch inside flipped. In the Delta Sky Room at the airport, I read more and more about the allegations of abuse and I knew I had to tell someone.

When I got back home, I tried to get back into my normal routine, but the weight of 25 years kept me from it. One night before going to sleep, I was a basket case after my wife and I discussed Sandusky and the Scouts. I tried to tell her right then but the old wall was still in the way. We just turned off the lights and kissed each other goodnight.

A few hours later my wife was sound asleep and I was beside myself with the tension, grief, shame, and loathing I had carried for years. I began to cry to myself, sobbing and trying to contain it and keep from waking my wife. Eventually, she stirred. I woke her and in an unguarded moment began to tell her. She saw the tears and told me it was okay, so I just opened up and told her (most) of what happened to me at summer camp.

There was no plan, no prior consultation with a therapist. The bucket was full and I just poured out so many pent-up thoughts and feelings. Fortunately, she was receptive to what I was saying. Amazingly, she admitted that she thought something might have happened to me as a kid. My parents said the same thing a few years later when I told them.

It was obviously just under the surface and not as deep as I imagined.

Will

 

[Duckie]

deleted

 

[Wander]

My wife confronted me after she found out i had been acting out. She wanted answers on why i was doing the things I did. I don't think she expected me to say yes when she asked if i had been abused.

I went so long never telling a single soul about what had happened. And for her to guess after 7 years of marriage, i just couldn't deny it or hide it anymore. I ended up crying and weeping. She was kind and understanding, more than i feel deserve. With her help i feel like I'm ready to confront what happened and try to heal from it.

But, for now i feel ashamed, and so sad. For the pain I caused her for so many years. For the abuse, and the neglect i have given myself for pushing deep down inside. And for the way I have acted out.

 

[Jay1946]

For those who are married, when did you tell your wife?

I didn't recall my childhood sexual abuse until more than 50 years after it happened. But my memory was clear, and in detail. I told my wife shortly after. I also told her that I thought the compulsion to view pornography in the internet may have been linked to the sexual abuse. She was very receptive and very understanding.
She also posed some very good questions that made me see aspects of the CSA I hadn't thought about.

 

[Lightfang]

Right after we got engaged, I told my wife that I was molested but did not go into any detail. It was after we had our first child that I started opening up and going into more and more detail. She then opened up and talked a little about her abuse and what a friend of the family did to her. There have always been times when it has seemed like too much for her. She will blow up and act like I am using my past as an excuse. She knows that is not the case and eventually we acknowledge that. But, she is my best friend and she is my rock. I could never have gotten through any of this without her.
It has been almost 27 years since I first told her and we have been married going on 25 years. We have three wonderful adult children and I just told my youngest (my 18 year old son) and they have been very supportive as well.

 

[Imjusthere]

anxietydepression,

I was in my late 20' s when I told my wife because I was having adverse effects of the abuse. She was supportive on the front regarding the actual abuse, but became resentful regarding the adverse effects bc she felt it was a betrayal and that I did not give her the opportunity to make a decision to stay or go based on the whole truth. For me, I wish I would have been upfront with the abuse and the adverse effects of it, then I may have a happier marriage (or realistically, not have gotten married).
I hope the best for you....be true to yourself, that's the important thing.

 

[Wander]

How do you know when you can open up and tell others? Did any of you tell your parents, and if so how did they take it? I haven't told a soul about y abuse except to my wife and therapist. I feel if i tell my mother what happened that she will blame herself and she all ready struggles with depression, not to mention her own father molested her.

My wife support me in any decision which is more than i feel i deserve in all honesty. I know i shouldn't think like that but i cant help it.

 

[Ceremony]

Hello Wander, I know for we who suffered our trauma as a child, trying to figure out when to tell someone relevant is very difficult. In my case it was sort of, but my own mother was not as much a care giver to me when I grew up, as the person who did her best to keep us in an apartment or home, clothed, fed and in school. None of which nurtured me to where I thrived. I am a failure of neglect, and that's been a deep pain for me. My mother was also raped by some in her core family and I was told decades ago. It hurt me that my mother had that chance to tell me, while I kept my secrets to myself.

That's the thing to me, mom, and my long gone dad from divorce (seen maybe 2 times a year at best), neglected to give a shit about me and my suffering about whether "I matter" has been part of the crux of my deepest pain. Which is why I eventually told them both. I waited to tell my dad, I waited an extra year, but I had to tell him for me, I would have done the writing thing if he had passed. I'm understanding and sensitive to what we go through, I get these things, maybe too deeply, and I am trying to convey a sense of our need vs what we perceive as a perception of our parent/s. They've been an adult the whole time, and we weren't. It's not fair, and that they've got issues is understood, my mom suffers deeply with depression too, but it's her job to manage it, not mine.

The man who started this thread has his own anxiety about trying to tell his wife. He's an adult survivor, and I can imagine the intense thinking that goes on with being an adult survivor of trauma. The ptsd that does evolve and what trying to maintain composure with one's spouse while processing that ptsd with therapy will be like. Like us, but very different. It's that we all have our narratives of what where our source is, and trying to make connections, see through each others eyes, it's not easy, but we manage it.

I'm hoping you'll keep writing, and I need to do some of that too.

Best wishes Wander.