Married and "acting out" - now what

Married and "acting out" - now what
T

TeeJayUU

Registrant
I had previously asked about journaling and someone brought up his "acting out" that his wife accidently read about. He talks about the rebuilding of trust.

Well, my brothers, let us just pretend that someone I knew "acted out" for the first 14 years of his marriage. Let's say that the acting out was discovered after an arrest for said behavior.

How would one go about rebuilding trust. No acting out any more, big time T and meds, cell phone, lots of dialogue.... but I would wonder if the imaginary wife in this story could EVER really trust the husband again.

Thoughts???????????

PEACE!

TJ
 
Well, the imaginary wife would probably need alot of time to regain trust. She would need to know he would never act out again. It will take many, many acts of faith for her to trust again. He should be vigilant and patient. Learning to trust someone who has betrayed you is an arduous task.

Main points: patience, faith, love, and understanding
 
The imaginary husband may continue to feel scared as well that the "acting out" is not over, not that he would ever go and get himself in trouble, but maybe he would worry that if an opporunity presented itself that he might not have the strength to keep it from happening again.

Well, maybe that is just CRAP of him to feel that way, but after a suppossed lifetime of SA and acting out, it may be difficult to ever feel comfortable or safe again. This husband me feel the acting out desires are similar to a dry alcoholic's desire to drink again.

???????????????????????????????????????????????

PEACE!

TJ (again)
 
violating the marriage is a hard thing to overcome. many times the damage is beyond repair. all you have to do is read how many marriages dont make it after an affair to know more fail than survive.

i guess i was lucky in a few ways. first when i acted out it was by cybering, so it wasnt physical. second once my wife decided to stay, on her own strength and power, she decided she had to trust me. she promised another violation or lie would end it, and i believe her. she said it takes too much energy to worry whether she could trust me or not, so she let it go as much for her sake as mine. Deb made if very clear if i gave her any reason so suspect, she would be gone without a word. that was four years ago, perhaps five.

that is my wife. few have shown me such strength and self-confidence. to be fair i have done my part as well. i got the help i promised i would, and i have worked to change and to show her i have.

i dont think there is anything you can do to revive trust. it is given and earned. all the one who failed can do is to begin behaving and living in the way he knows he should, and hopefully the wife would see that, and realize he has changed.

at the worst, if they dont make it, he should learn from mistakes, and take the valuable lesson into the next relationship.

fortunately we made it, so far, but i know more fail than make it. sad but true. infedility is very hard for women to overcome.
 
TJ,

The imaginary wife can trust the hypothetical husband again. It even happens for real life couples.

There are some resources, online and in books, for helping people try to rebuild their marriage. It is not an easy process. Added to the strains of "regular" recovery work it might be too much for some relationships to overcome.

It will really depend on the dedication of both parties to each other and to the relationship. I think of the relationship itself as an entity. Each partner has to work toward strengthening and safeguarding it.

I have heard that some relationships are much stronger after recovering from infidelity than they had been before. It seems possible, since that recovery, like a survivor's, requires courage and honesty. They were probably in too short supply before the recovery started, but they are important in human interactions.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Okay here is the opinion of someone who is A) On the verge of losing it and B) Can associate with what you are saying:

1) I believe you should stop with the imaginary language. The first step to chaning behavior is owning it. When you write things like "imaginary wife" you are, IMO (of course everything I write is in my opinion) not taking responsibility for the problem.

2) I think your wife can learn to trust again if she wants to. It will take time but if she loves you and understands/believes that you are acting out on really f-ed up programming, that will help.

3) You need to find something that works to prevent the acting out behavior. For example: I used to be drawn to strip clubs like flies to sh..well you know...what I began to do is associate great pain (my association was that I was taking money away from my children for a need that was based upon my mother's programming) with the clubs. I still get a tingle every now and then when I pass one by, but I work down the block from the three "best" clubs in the area (and nastiest) and I have not been tempted once..knock wood.

You need to discover what will interrupt your pattern and make lasting change for you. It doesn't matter if it's Sex Addicts Anon or linking massive pain, it just has to be something that makes real change.

4) This kind of stuff doesn't go away over night....so you are also going to have to learn to ride out the overwhelming emotions. This is the toughest part for me because when I get tempted my heart beats faster, my stomach goes butterfly crazy and I sweat a lot. The urge is so powerful..but..if you begin learning to ride it out, the feeling does pass and you begin to get the experience of beating the unhealthy programing.

I hope some of this helps and you feel better. Acting out sucks and the fact that a lot of it comes from someone else's dysfunctional tape sucks even more. However, we are still responsible for deleting the old tapes and creating new empowering ones.
 
TJ
Getting past this situation CAN happen, what these guys say makes sense, especially Lupin - OWN IT !

We do have some responsibilty for our acting out, it's a small bit in some respects, but the responsibility lies in the fact that WE are the only people who can stop acting out.

Like I said in the other post, I thought I was in for a world of shite and divorce lawyers when my wife discovered I'd been giving bj's to strange men.
And who the f**k was I to argue at that point ?

The few things in my defence were that she still loved me up to that point, and was therefore prepared to listen to what I had to say ( she knew about my abuse and I was in therapy )
If I had made one bullshit excuse I'd have been history, If I ever do it again - I'm history. And that's a powerful deterrent for me.

One other reason she dealt with this behaviour was that at no time was there ever any 'relationship' - if there had have been I also think I'd have sleeping under the stars.

But it took a lot of explaining, over many weeks, and like I say "no bullshit" - she could see through that anyway after 25 years of marriage !
I worked hard on it through therapy, I figured out what drove the acting out, and Lupin mentions the need for for total humiliation or degradation - spending money at strip joints insted of on his kids. I worked on a similar principle - I wanted to reach rock bottom because that's where I believed 100% that I was meant to be. There's many other reasons I acted out, and they are REAL reasons, not made up excuses. Nobody in their right mind wants to have unprotected sex with strangers in filthy public toilets - do they ?

But the problem we have is convincing our partners of that simple fact, and honesty seems to be the best option - but obviously it won't work in every case.
I don't know your wife or how she would react to complete honesty, a lot of that depends on their emotional make up and even 'social standards' - if someone has been caught and publically humiliated in the local press then that could alter everything.
Oddly enough, getting caught was actually a fantasy for me when I acted out, the ultimate humiliation perhaps ?

How do we as a couple get over it ? hard work and trust I suppose. And if I had to name one thing I most admire about my wife it would have to be the fact that she has NEVER thrown anything I've done back at me. She would never say "Yeah, and you gave strangers blow jobs !" if we were having a 'discussion' that wasn't going to plan. She's never done that, and I don't do it either.
It's not a forgiveness thing, it's a practical thing that allows both of us to move forward.
We have discussed my acting out, but we don't use it as ammunition in a fight.

I know how lucky I am, believe me I know and appreciate that. She is a remarkable woman.
But she also makes her position clear, and I respond accordingly - I don't submit, I respond. We base our marriage, and it's continuation after this 30th year, on talking and honesty. And love of course.

Dave
 
OK,this is TJ again. Let me make it clear that I am not in denial or pretending. I KNOW what I did. And she knows EACH AND EVERY SINGLE DETAIL! I MEAN ALLLLLLLLLLL of it!

She is nothing but 100% supportive and that scares me, too. I feel like I do not deserve her strength, love, support, faith, and so on. The trust will come again. It has been two years....

I just do not like placing in a "public" forum details, I guess a little paranoid.

ALL of you have been a tremendous help and support!

THANK YOU!

PEACE!

TJ
 
TJ
You're going to make it, I feel sure.

My wife and I talk about my old acting out in a matter of fact way now, it's accepted between us that what I did was 'bad' and also virtually out of my control.

It just takes time I guess, and I felt that I was in no position to rush things along and expect things to return to normal at my pace.
My unloading of the acting out was such a relief for me, perhaps the fantasy of getting caught was a kind of expectation of that relief.
I suppose I did get caught in some respects, she found out in circumstances that weren't of my making or in my control, but the relief was, for me, truly amazing.
But from then on it became OUR problem, and it also introduced a new set of problems - hers.
And I was barely equipped to deal with my problems at that time. I think I made some kind of unconcious choice to concentrate on my therapy / problems and hope they included all this new stuff as well.

Today, about 5 years after she found out and 6 or 7 years since I last acted out, I think she has dealt with my behaviours, her reactions to my behaviours, in a more complete manner than I would have ever thought possible. We do talk about sometimes, and she has even joked about it.
But do I know for certain what goes on in the back of her mind ? no I don't, and I never will. I don't ask either.

I hope I didn't upset you by being a bit forceful about your identity and you using a hypothetical person, there was no intention of hurting you.

This is a good topic, and one I'm still learning a lot from. The effects are long lasting and deep, for everyone involved. And if we have arrived at a stage where we are thinking about how our partners are affected then I think we are well on the way to closure of these behaviours, not only physically but mentally as well.

Thanks
Dave
 
Think of us, those of us here who have been abused, who have had our trust taken so much. How long does it take for us to trust again? I can imagine it would be similarly hard for the wife in your story. However, I do feel that if you truly love and care for someone, you will make a point to work on trust issues more. I think relationships between the two people can continue with work done on both parts. It sounds like the person is doing what they can to help rebuild the trust. People we love, we will normally give the second chance.

Leosha
 
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