Marriage Advice

TXAK

Registrant
I need some advice. Amy help will be appreciated.ive been married nine years.
We had a baby 8;years ago.


Since the baby was born we've had sex 4 times. The last time was recently and it was ok.

My problem is that sex with my wife is so infr4equent I don't think I'm attracted to her anymore. I don't wanna divorce but I don't know what to do.

She's said that she wouldnt have any problems if we decided not to have sex anymore. I want more sex... at least once a month. We're in counseling but I don't think she'll change.

I think about having an affair often but ...because of where we live... that probably won't happen.

Help?
 

Dolphin42

Registrant
This is quite common in the initial years after birth, and a challenge a lot of new parents struggle with. I won't offer advice, I'm happily single and now gay after I split with my kid's mom some years back. But maybe a trained marriage/relationship counselor might offer some help?
 
Has she offered any explanation as to why she is not interested in sex right now? Maybe there is some physiological issue with her that needs to be addressed? Or perhaps if it is psychological, a marriage counselor like Dolphin42 suggested would be the best bet.
 

Dan99

Registrant
I sympathize with what you're going through. I won't offer advice in this arena since my track record isn't anything to be proud of.

I think my wife phasing out our sex life hit me particularly hard as a CSA survivor because I had to fight very hard to establish something that resembled a normal sex life as a young man. It was a big challenge to overcome the shame of my childhood experiences and grow into a normal, sexual person. Giving it up felt like a real setback.
 

Jeremy Doe

Registrant
Hey TXAK,
So I've been married for 16 years, this year and we've been together for 20 and I will say the sex and the romance and the passion has ebbed and flowed over the years.
It was really fiery at first but I kind of soured on it when I've gone through some rough mental places. There's certain thoughts that can completely derail something that you enjoy and then it's hard to not have a new memory continue the work of an old one.

But I think it's great your seeing a counselor. My recommendation is to keep doing that and to make a commitment that you're both honest and present in those sessions.

Like some of the other guys have said, I'd also talk to her and ask her. Is it an issue with attraction, satisfaction, distractions, or something else.

If it's attraction, well know that the hormones wear off after like 7 years and what you're left with at the end of that is really closer to who you are as a person. At that point, it becomes about intimacy and having a foundation or intimacy that's not based on hormones or purely sexual responses. I've found that intimacy outside of sex was really hard for me. It's still a journey but the more I dip my toe into that pool, the better response I get and it's interesting to learn about another person in a way that goes beyond barriers. I still offer a lot of barriers myself, but I'm learning.

If it's satisfaction, I've found that there's nothing wrong with asking for input. I used to think I had all the answers, because I was supposed to, but I can tell you that it's been much much better, and easier, ever since I asked her point blank what it was that would really do it for her. She was bashful at first and doubted my sincerity, but once we got over that, which I blame as a social construct, it's been pretty good.

If it's distraction, it might be time for you two to go away and just be alone. I have several friends with kids and the moments of intimacy were always sort of messed up by the chaos that is children. I've worked with several couples who felt guilt at the mere thought of having a weekend away from their kid(s). But the children are better for having parents that have that emotional connection and it's also a good way to teach kids the importance of boundaries. If you can't get away due to life or work or things like that, then maybe there is a way you can carve out space for yourselves. I knew one couple that pretty much made their bedroom off limits at 7. I think you have to be careful about that kind of messaging, but I guess it added new life to their relationship, once the kids understood that it wasn't their space.

If it's something else, then the only way to approach it is with honest and frank dialogue. I can't say how healing it was to tell my wife a little of my story.


As for an affair, I'm not one to judge. What I can say is that if my wife had an affair it would be the ultimate betrayal. It would conjure up all the bad self-worth thoughts that come from my abuse such as "i'm not good enough" "there's something wrong with me" "i deserve it" and knowing the pain that those thoughts have put on me, I'd never want to subject someone to that. I'd much rather her leave me and then involve herself with someone else that for her to do that behind my back. My thought is that she would feel the same.

But at the end you have to do what's right for you. And if the sex is necessary and it's not something she wants to do then I'd say it's best to see about ending things in an amicable way. My dad's divorces and my brother's divorce, both involved offspring, and they were both caused by a lack of sex, which for my dad turned into infidelity. They were pretty messed up divorces and threw everyone's life into chaos. Fortunately, divorce, or even separation, is much more acceptable now and I have all sorts of friends that have blended families because they've been divorced and remarried. Nothing says to your kid the important of spousal respect than having a clean divorce in which you may not be together, but you're still both parents of the kid. I wish I had that growing up for sure.


In any case, let me know if I can be a sounding board for your ideas or thoughts or if you want anymore of my opinions and perspectives.

Best,
Jeremy
 
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