Marital Escape? (newbie - possible trigger)

Marital Escape? (newbie - possible trigger)
V

Valenfor

Registrant
Good morning everyone - or at least for those on the US side of the world. Am new to the board, joined a few days ago and have been lurking a few.

Marriage as an escape or a way to hide? Possible? This is my question right now.

Am 31, was abused as young as I can remember. For example I thought I was breast fed, as that is what my first abuser did to me was have me constantly perform that action. Most of my abusers from as early as I can remember until I was 9 years old where female, and all 7 to 10 years older then me.

When they finished with me, one of my brothers best friends got ahold of me. The abuse was carried on for several months and ending in a rape type way. With my older brother sleeping next to me right in the backyard of our own house.

So this is the base. When I turned twenty four, I finally told my parents about the almost 10 people (that I currently remember) that abused me.
They gave me typical lip service. Dad always thought it was just experiementation etc.

Ok - so I am sure all you vets and experience ones can just start to see the problems surfacing. So with the base let me get back to my question.

---------------------------

Marriage as an escape. I found until the point right before I moved out with my wife and got engaged is when I finally told everyone, including her.

For the past rougly two years, we lived in Costa Rica. This was a little easier for me as sex is not such a taboo down their so I felt I belonged more. Unfortunately the company I worked for, our cheif was EXTREMELY abusive towards me and other workers. Physical assault by security, and mental torture such as being held down and sworn that your family will be brought in to watch your eyes get ripped out.

-------------------------------

My wife, and two daughters (4 and 9 months) live with my Parents right now across town. I am living with a best friend, working on my sanity. I am really hitting low points, but I find that I am a bit of a mental giant (not an ego thing - just a big thinker) and so through various methods I have seperated and collated the items necessary to start to move forward.

My marriage at this point is a wreck from many standpoints. Sexual, personal, support, balance, equality. I really provide everything for the family with my wife being a stay home mom. Now that we are back from CR, its not possible.

I have been looking at all sides. After reading here, I belive that I am a SA. My wife and I stopped having regular sex about the first year into the marriage.

Another outside component to my life who was at our wedding told me the other day as I asked him for his brutal honest 'Well - I am sorry to say but I felt you where getting married to run from something'

I guess it's possible to use anything as an escape.

To the younger people who read this, who are realizing whats happening to them now - I salute you. I never realized until it was way late. Now their is more damage I feel I have created I need to clean up.

Thanks

Val
 
Hello Valenfor, and welcome to crowd. As with everyone "new" that comes here I am sorry and grieve for the horrible things that were done to you.

You have found a wonderful place to help in your healing and recovery. The men here in totality have pretty much done or tried everything both good bad and neutral. You can express yourself freely and get a lot of good advice and things to think about.

Just knowing I am not alone and there are guys that understand and that I understand has been a wonderful and very theraputic aspect of this place. So welcome, and I hope it is a good place for you to be.

As to your question, My opinion is pretty much anything can be an escape. For me I know I used church for a long time as an escape. A spiritual life can be a wonderful thing, and I thought I had one, but actually It was an escape, a very good and effective one as far as escapes go. So yes I think just about anything can serve that purpose, even good things.

With that said it is pretty "normal" for survivors of SA to have major problems in marriages or partnerships. And there are a lot of reasons for this and the bottom line is that you have to figure some of those things out.

And I will add as to my opinion, just because you may use something as an escape, in this case marriage, that doesn't mean that you have to end it to recover and heal. It does mean you have to identify it for what it is and start to address it. It may mean that you got married for the "wrong" reason, but it doesn't mean you married the "wrong" person. In fact I kind of believe if you have been married anytime at all and your wife has stuck by you in any form or fashion after knowing of your abuse and putting up with the results, she is probobly a pretty amazing woman. I know that is not always the case but be sure to look seriously at who she is. You may not have done that before. I
know that when I really began to realize just how much of my crap my wife had put up with for so many years I was amazed she was still around. I finally told her all that and how amazed and thankful I was to have her in my life, and In all actuality if I am completely honest, I have to say as well I didn't get married for all the right reasons, but I did marry the right person.

Finally, consider a therapist, An awful lot of us find that a great help. If you can consider that just say so and you will get a ton of opinions on what to look for, what matters most, etc...

I wish you well and take my opinion for what it is, subject to change on an hourly basis without prior notice.

BT

P.S. And yes, might as well quit wondering, You were sexually abused.
 
Valenfor:

BT has made some really great commentsand I cannot add to them.

This is not an easy road we travel but it is worth it in every respect. I am glad that you have finally joined us in the open.

As BT says your wife is probably an amazing woman and a lot of us are lucky that way. I have been married to my wife for 36 years and she has been my rock.

Welcome to the best bunch of guys I know. We re all brothers here in the truest sense of the word.
 
Thank you both, this current period for her and I is extremely difficult. I didn't think I could be abused as an adult, but basically while living out of the country doing the work I did, that is exactly what happen.

This is another complete oddity I am dealing with and having terrible post traumatic flash backs with. I see myself in one form or fashion being trapped to death or on the verge of death as I awaken. Of course no one in the family believes me, or believes how much it depresses me to wake up in the morning after seeing myself die three times, or worse yet - the shame I feel because I feel I let myself be abused again instead of standing up to this PERP. I walked right into his hands at the age of 29. Prime picked for emotional abuse. He held my SA over me all the time in many fashions of manipulation.

That is now on top of and compounded with the SA. In fact when I first used SA as a term I meant more to Sexual Additicion as I know I have abuse, but now the problems are compounding. I had never thought of the constant masturbation as being a sexual addiction.

I had a therapist for myself in CR, spoke pretty good english and my spanish wasn't bad so we did good. In that country alot of meds are over the counter, so most therapist are actually pdocs for anything that is not over the counter.

When I finally found the courage to leave the country with my wife and family we litterally lost EVERYTHING. With the exception of several suitcases and living.

In the US here I have had 4T's and 2pdocs in the 4 years prior to us living in CR (6 years total). As soon as I told my parents about what happen, probably within the next 6 months I was in to see my first pdoc/T.

My parents never really ackowledged the past 7 years what I had said to them. They actually keep relationships with the Perps and invite them to the house for dinner etc. They where finally respectful enough to tell me when they were coming at least. But even until just about two weeks ago my Dad still called it all 'experimentation'.

My wife has stuck by me, and she does know. However living with my parents was killing me. In the Nature/Nurture arguement, I am a 30/30/40. That would be 30% abuses, 30% parents and 40% computers. I have to have my hole to hide in. I have to be able to go their or I loose it.

So I had to move out. Now my father and mother and others who have no clue about SA are giving her the advice. At this rate I don't know how long I might get to see my girls for as I had told my wife about a couple of bad fantasies I had and they have been held against me. Even though I could never see myself ever harming my daughters - to the contrar I must protect them more if I can.

The computer addiction was a blessing in the Internet years, we made really good money. I always wanted my wife home all the time so we would have more nature then nurture. Hoping it might make a bit of difference. I was the last of the kids in our family so I was the baby and got all the attention, but unfortunately I couldn't tell and know one could see the wrong attention I got.

Now though I am tired, waivering, exhausted, and worn. The IT industry here is terrible so finding work has been even worse. In my poor state of mind I have as is, I have people in my family trying to manipulate me to comit lies just to get help for the family (not too concerned from my point I feel). I want to help my family but by more lies? I don't understand.

And I do believe what you say - not married for the right reasons, but married the right person. The most support I had from my wife was when we were in CR away from family and everyone where we had to depend on each other.

Now that we are back - things are as they were. Listen to her parents, my parents, but not me. And of course when you are in the spot of needing peoples help, how do you adjust. I guess as well as we are.

My last refuge was here. I have been seeking state services etc but not finding the people I need. Sometimes when they ask and I say I am a abused male I can almost her the laugh. Anyway - help is why I am here.

From my past 24 hours of reading, I have learned I am a Sex Addict, or possibly so. It became such a chore to have sex with my wife that I just turned to masturbation more and more. Now its worse because it doesn't work. Several times now even having sex with my wife I couldn't have an orgasm anymore. And since she has sexual pain thats not good for her either, cause longer hurts.

Anyway - my ramble will stop now. Its amazing the flood of feeling you go through per se when posting. I am in need, and have been dealing with this since I finally admitted it to my parents. However no one else moved ahead with me - my wife now claims to not trust me with the girls, and for various reason I am having trouble finding various work. She could get work as a secretary whereas most places won't even take me at $9 - she could get $12 (I love reverse sexism sometimes really it makes me smile). However now the fear is there by them (parents/wife) of me being alone with the kids.

Further, to sum up - the only place I found this many friendly helpful people in a cross section was when I lived out of the US. I felt so much more comfortable. People worked to live and enjoy - no its like I am back in the race. This oblong type object that is be pushed towards some square hole.

In some ways I feel cheated by my wife and marriage because I know their are times that are tough, I know its hard for her to hear when I speak the TRUTH - but then the TRUTH gets turned against me and causes more pain. Plus I never wanted her to work - but I can't put to words right now the spot I am in.

I do not give up - so I am sure counseling will come into the mix again when we can afford it. If you have an idea of where I can call for help in AZ or otherwise in temporary till employed and I can get insurance I would appreciate thoughts and comments.

Val
 
Val, here is a link to a page on the myths about male SA
https://www.malesurvivor.org/myths.htm
You may want to print it and send it to your parents and others who are not recognizing what has happened is sex abuse and the perps of it belong no where other than in prison. They might think it is experimentation--the law does not.

There are lots of other papers available on the site. On the home page, just click the Myths section, because there is another piece about boys there.

Bob
 
https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=26;t=000119

See comments on Unmoderated forum as well.

I haven't moved or closed the topic at all, It's just that there was one of the Family & Friends regulars posting a reply on the UMF that is worth reading in conjunction with this.

Sorry for any confusion.

Dave
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top