Manipulated at 18-19

Manipulated at 18-19
A

anon

New Registrant
Hi. I don't really know how to ask this, but I need to try.

I am in my mid twenties now, am married and happy. But I am also torn up inside about something that happened to me when I was 18 going on 19.

I wanted to work in the film industry. I met a man, 43 years old, who said he could help me get started. He took me on a trip to visit a film set. When we got there, I discovered that shooting had finished and he just had to run a couple of errands.

The hotel room he booked for us only had one bed. I started sleeping on the couch, but he coaxed me into bed. I was really naive and didn't know what to do or think. I won't get into details, but suffice it to say that it was not pleasant, but also not directly violent (to his credit).

We met a few weeks later under the guise of me "auditioning" for a mainstream film he claimed to be producing. This "audition" involved kissing him and other things I am having trouble articulating.

I feel like I was so stupid and naive and should just forget about it. But I can't! I trusted this person, and he manipulated me and used me!

I feel like, since I was "of legal age," maybe I don't have any right to complain - that I should have known better. But that just makes me cry. I need to know that it wasn't my fault. Please help with any words of advice or experiences.

Thanks.
 
I think from what you have said, you were violated or at least that was my impression as I was reading it. I don't think the age necessarily stops that. And as I was reading it, I was sitting there thinking, what if you put yourself in a woman that was taken advantage of. Rewrite the story as if it was a woman he took advantage of and I think you might easily see what he did was not right.

Of course you can argue things in many different directions but even though you joined in these things, it does not sound like it was voluntary in the true sense of the word. This guy held a "power" over you and he used the power to manipulate you into doing these that you did not want to do. Maybe I'm being too simplistic on this, but that is how I am picking it up.

For me, I was abused from a very young age, but even after I got into college, it didn't stop. My older brother continued it on and he was married. The only way I got it to stop was to break off contact with my family which was not fun.

But to me any time a person uses their power or influence over another (man or woman) to get sex or things they want, it is not right. It is abuse in my opinion.

Just my take,

Don
 
Anon... it wasn't your fault. You were manipulated by someone that you trusted. Just because you were older, and "should have known" doesn't make what he did right. He took advantage of you. What matters is the feelings that it has left you with. You are valid in your feelings of betrayal and sadness, even if you went "willingly." He used his power to get you into a situation that worked to his advantage.

I hope you'll find the support you need here. Glad you took the step to post.

-Sean
 
sorry for this emotional response - but this guy sounds like a pig and a scumbag -

this was not your fault -

this thought is something maybe you should talk to a therapist about too-

thinking it is your fault is the way this man took advantage of you -

he sounds horrible -
and again this is not your fault -
but quite the opposite -

you are a survivor

look at you now - you
are living the best revenge -
... successfully -

i hope you can get some personal help in addition to coming here when you need to - the men here have helped me from a point of desperation to
being healthier and happier - much happier -

mgb
 
Anon,

Although I was sexually abused/raped at 11 through 12, I later (at age 34, mind you) put myself into a situation where I was raped by a man. Yes, he did use violence, you see, but I was stupid in putting myself there and I felt I had not a reason to expect sympathy, compassion, or to even feel like I was raped.

But I was. It wasn't my fault. It was NEVER my fault.

The same is true for you.

Did he use violence? No. Did he use POWER over you? Yes, he did. He used his trust, power, authority, manipulative skill, whetever to get what he wanted from you. He was a selfish (deleting this!) who took a very good man and used him for his own pleasure without ONE THOUGHT about what he was doing to that man.

Anon, it wasn't your fault. You have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, not one thing!, to be ashamed about.

You survived. You're still a good man. You're still a loving man with people who care about you.

I am sorry these things happened to you. It breaks my heart. But I'm glad you're here, and I look forward to hearing more what you have to say.

I'd also like to tell you something I always tell other people I "meet" here for the first time. It sometimes makes people feel uncomfortable, but I mean it only as I say it. Someone should tell you the same thing every day. I love you, my brother, with no strings attached and nothing expected in return.

Peace, and I'm proud to know you.

Scot
 
Hey Anon - Don't beat yourself up too badly, this sort of abuse is NOT a rare occurrence. I hear about that type of "taking advantage" a lot. With some it's taking advantage of naivite, with others it's taking advantage of dreams and trust, others it's taking advantage of not having a father/significant male figure around while still others take advantage of poverty and need. These perps use their power to influence and "try to satisfy the needs" in needy people.
The problem lies in the feelings (symptoms) that this results in: i.e. distrust, feeling betrayed, angry, shame, guilty, somehow responsible, etc. At this point I am not sure what you can do to him BUT the more important thing is doing for you!! Keep posting and working out your feelings. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS!! The more inward you go with this the more problems occur. My axiom: IF YOU DON'T TALK IT OUT YOU ACT IT OUT!!!

He is wrong...take care of yourself!!!

(((hugs))) Howard

PS. Don't give up your dream..just be MORE careful...too many wolves after too many sheep.
 
Anon - the age you were doesn't matter!

You were manipulated & he got you there on false pretences.

Not everyone is like him, but meeting people like him does make it difficult for any of us to trust.

Come here for support, you'll find plenty of it!

best wishes ...Rik
 
Anon sorry for being so late. I concur with what everyone else has said.

You have just joined the best group of men it has ever been my privilege to know and talk and share with. It is a true brotherhood that offers strong shoulders, compassion and trust. Welcome to the brotherhood.

Stick around. Post read and help.
 
Anon
sex is quick and transitory thing, it's gone before we know it. But power lasts, and that's what the perps get off on most of all - having power over someone else.

Your perp used the power of lies and false promises, just like mine did, and all the other guys here.
They lied to us.

Dave
 
Hello, welcome here. I am sorry that you had that situation happen. You were taken advantage of, and to be an adult does not mean that you should not be safe from unwanted sexual behaviors. I hope that you can continue to return here, and talk about what has happened in past. It help you in the present and future, to have better understanding of what in past is done, and to know it is not you fault, even as adult. I was abused sexual, physical and emotional by a sport coach from age of 10 until 18. It was no easier to stop it as adult then it was at age ten. You will be able to heal of this, I have faith in that. I wish you good luck.

Leosha
 
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