Males are misrepresented, and lumped together. (Triggering)

Ceremony

Moderator
Staff member
There is a definite feeling of anger, disquiet, misrepresentation, and ongoing disregard for males. We've always been lumped together in the way we're discussed in too many sexual assault and rape forums, round tables, articles, presentations, law makers and leaders whom claim to want to make things better. There's a deep history of that, and we here know what that can do when it pushes us into a singular category, or fails to establish the real harm to us their rhetoric or articles do to men and those who present as male. Many of us have had decades of confusion, shame, guilt, rage/anger, self hate and harm about being sexually assaulted or raped, especially when the perpetrator is a woman.

I live with my partner still, the one who has for decades on and off abused me verbally and emotionally. It's been nearly every day way too often, and I've left 3 times before, filing for divorce one of those times. However, circumstance about my children, especially our son living at home, my own failure to obtain self sufficiency and my deep personal fears about some things have kept me tied to this situation.

I too need to talk about being abused. Though, I have felt it near impossible. Why am I to complain when my abuse isn't sexual? Though, it's seemed phony to have sex with her. I think the past 16 years that may have occurred a couple dozen times? I'm not sure, but I am sure the past 4 years it's zero. There was a time in my 40s where it felt pushed, or that I would prefer not to, but she wanted to. That's gone now, for sure. Thankfully. However, I don't believe it was coercion, rather, just a sense that it will show/prove I'm not looking elsewhere for sex. I know that seems coercive, but that's what it was in my mind, and not something she specifically said toward getting in bed.

In this forum, I feel like I have to prove I've suffered female abuse, because it's not inherently a sexual experience. The things I want to say about how much harm gaslighting has done to my emotional welbeing show up in discussions here. The anger, the resentment, the lost hope, the feeling of being unloved, of loss that plagues the inner recesses of my being. It's a very painful experience to face brutal verbal and emotional abuse for decades and keep on going. It's felt like I'm a total fool, that because I've no experiences with other partners, I've no place to engage in discussion, I don't know anything outside my circle. I've some female friends and acquaintances and I think their fine, and I sort of have been told by my partner what they think of me. Many times it's bad. But, I know how they behave around me, so she's gaslighting a lot of that.

My health, owing to the extreme cortisol and adrenaline dumps from over 3 decades of abuse have taken a toll on my health, not just mental. I'm not well, but I won't give up.

I have too much left to do, where I find my voice to speak against rape culture that has shown women are largely left out of that description. I have seen too much about this, I know too much about these issues, and I've looked long and hard at my motivations. I want men and those who present male, or just masculine, to have as many articles, forums, round tables, etc... as women do, to engage in our needs. I think Male Survivor long ago started to do that, to open up the discussion and exposure of the sufferings of men and those presenting as male. We're invested in that progress here, we reach out to each other to feel validation. We share, to find if our voice has developed toward our own invested interest in a new kind of self care.

I think rape culture is real, in that some women have chosen or have deluded themselves into actions about taking advantage of men or other, whom they want something sexual. There are many stories about date rape and sexual assault, both female and male, where the lines of how many of the other are doing it doesn't matter, it's happening and it's become something in the way this problem isn't addressed. Rape isn't shown to be a priority in the systems of our judicial branches, both state and federal, let alone Congress or State Houses. There's not enough shared about women abusing men and other, we're still too invisible, and that leaves those like myself alone too. I have very few choices about dealing with my abusive partner.

I checked into those choices 3 years ago, and discussed it in therapy. I've had to compartmentalize it, as something I will review as needed. I therefore don't discuss it. I don't let it out, but each time I process it alone. That gets lonely.
 
@Ceremony, I believe you. And I am sure everyone here believes you. Abuse doesn't have to be physical or sexual to be devastating.

There have been many studies that have shown pretty conclusively that women emotionally abuse men far more often than the other way around - which in itself may be one reason why society doesn't think emotional abuse "counts."

We have had our spats here, you and I. But please know that I support you to the depths of my soul. I have been where you are and no one, no matter their gender, should have to live that way.
 
You have written a deeply moving and powerful post that comes from the depths of your heart based on your experiences. It is indeed valid. Your fears and concerns are indeed valid. You are worthy of being listened to and believed. You are 100% correct in stating that women must be held accountable for the abuse they inflict upon men. It's past time. Men must do this in a very methodical way using the legal system. Current domestic violence laws (DVLs) are written in such a way that men can use them too to hold women accountable legally. Men must learn how to collect evidence, build a strong support system of witnesses, research legal precedents, keep abuse journals, take pictures, police/EMS records, seek out a T who will evaluate them for CPTSD, PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, etc that are the result of being abused by women. Use that as a major part of the evidence and destruction the woman has wreaked upon men. Hire a rabid attorney who will fight for you. It's an arduous task for sure but it can be done.

I know. I've done it.

Men must surround themselves with men/people who care about them. Men must not be ashamed to ask for help. Men must beef up their self care for this effort will require a lot of physical and emotional energy. Don't get mad. Get even.

Men must get out of the abusive situation - fast - even if children are in the house. Get out! Go to the police station immediately where you will be monitored by their security cameras. File charges against her. Go the emergency room and report the abuse there as well. All of this will provide evidence that you fear for your life. ERs treat and document emotional as well as physical trauma. Keep meticulous records. Report the abuse to Adult Protective Services and request their help. Request the police conduct an investigation to determine if the children are being abused too or at risk of being abused in retaliation of the man holding her accountable. CCTV and security cameras are an abused man's best friend. Stay under them as much as possible. The women will accuse men of abuse in an effort to discredit them.

If one man is abused it's one too many.

@Ceremony - GET OUT!
 
Hi Ceremony

I am sorry you are struggling with this. Abuse is abuse no matter what type. On many days I have been reduced to tears think of the verbal abuse I was subjected to almost daily. Most of that came from my Dad and his words still burn today.

I agree with Larry GET OUT.

Life can't continue like that it is no good for anyone that includes your son as well as you and your wife. Staying in misery will do nothing but continue to cause more damage.

When I left my wife I had no idea where I was going or how I would survive as I was in to much pain to be able to work, It kind of felt like I was going away to die. I had very little money. I didn't die and have had some real hard times. I knew it was necessary for me to leave as there was nothing left of our marriage. We did not have any children so that made it easier, not sure I could have left if there was kids involved, I am so glad there was no children involved.

We have been surviving now for years now Ceremony so we have a lot of experience at surviving the turns in the road.

I wish you strength to make the right decision and then act on it, we are here for you Ceremony.

Take good care
 
@Ceremony If a man leaves the family home, without filing a police report of the abuse, the woman can accuse him that he abandoned her and the children. Abandonment charges are real and very effective in a court of law. Abandonment charges can also be filed against the woman if need be. Don't be afraid to use the law to your advantage. It's there for your protection. @Ceremony, you are much too valuable to remain in an abusive situation!
 

Giovanni

Registrant
Hi Ceremony. I wrote to you about this exact matter a couple of years ago when I advised you to get out of your situation. Feel free to re-read my post that I wrote then but from what I see, nothing has changed for you. Life is far too short to have to suffer living with an abusive partner as well as everything else that you have endured. It's good to see that everyone here is telling you to get out and enjoy your life. I left with nothing but I still cherish the feeling of waking up in my house, without having to worry about what type of humour is she in today. If I didn't leave 16 years ago, I would be pushing up daisies in a cemetery somewhere and I can assure you I'm not being dramatic.
 
If I didn't leave 16 years ago, I would be pushing up daisies in a cemetery somewhere and I can assure you I'm not being dramatic.
You are not alone. I lived with an abusive woman for way too many years for the very reasons @Ceremony has mentioned in his gut wrenching post. Actually, that's not true. I wasn't living. I was actively dying. My son was actively dying. She destroyed our marriage, our family, and my son's mental health. It took two high dollar lawyers and a bitter contentious divorce court trial to get rid of her and to stop her abuse. I gained joint custody of my, then, 5 year old son. My son was once a joy to be with. His laughter would fill my home (once I got him away from his abusive mom). He's now 41 and full of hate and confusion. His mother started grooming him right after the divorce so she could sexually abuse him. She waited until he turned 18 and then began actively and openly seducing him. His mind is all messed up now. She completely destroyed our relationship. He won't talk to me because he's ashamed of what she is doing to him. I have become a very angry man because of her abuse. Angry at myself for not being able to stop her abusing me and my son. I did everything I knew to do. Even divorce did not stop her abuse. The polite word to use for her sexually abusing my son is incest. I use the term - she's fucking my son!

I am now safe and at peace. I am no longer angry at myself.
My son...
 

Jacob S

Registrant
It is an awful feeling to feel like you have to prove why you belong.
I hope you don't feel that way here anymore.
You belong here.
 

Ceremony

Moderator
Staff member
It is an awful feeling to feel like you have to prove why you belong.
I hope you don't feel that way here anymore.
You belong here.
Thank you Jacob S. And others who are reaching out to me.

The hardest part about being me and dealing with what I do, is that I end up backing off because of supposed sentiments that are suggested as helping me. I made it clear in my post I'm not leaving, as I've always done when I post about this. Yet, every time I am made to feel like my choice isn't viable and that I have to be corrected. That I am incapable of understanding what's going on is the message I receive, and that's never helped me. It's why I shut down, and leave this pain to process internally, and alone.
 
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2Bnormal51

Registrant
Greetings Ceremony,

I can relate to your story, I suffered from sexual, physical, mental and emotional abuse from my Mother, she was very domineering, controlling, and hi-strung. She suffered abuses from her father, so it was a generational handme down you could say. She was in and out of "lesbianism" during my childhood, teenage, adult years.
I also suffered other sexual abuses from friends of my parents, male.........
I grew up with total disassociation with my true self, I desired to be a "girl" and grew up with gender confusion.
Anyway I digress, I hate how the present day emasculation of the male species is under such attacks, by women.......they act as if women have never done any perverted wrong doings, which is a total denial of any type of historical reality!

It's just an insane time period in which we live, to this day I still cut women off who think and act with such attitudes. I am single, never married, with the exception of a communal affirmation ceremony to another man, back in the early 70's, 7 years older when I was just 19. The abuses pushed me into that direction. However, controlling abusive persons will be drawn to those of us who have suffered at the hands of abuses in that manner. We are easily controlled and manipulated, it's as if we have some type of invisible signage stamped on our foreheads "Walk all over me" and person's who desire to do so will suck us in......and then we are trapped.

But eventually, after three years of drugs, being bullied, manipulated and emotionally abused I decided to leave no matter what the emotional cost.

I say all this because I do believe Main Stream Media, and the present day social climate we live in, women within these "beat down men" attitude groups will not change, why? Because the MAN needs to be punished, so that women can go on justifying their behaviours against men, because it is ALL of our faults. This only goes to show that women deny that their hearts are just as wicked to carry out abuses against men and society!

Take care.....:cool:
 
I think it is easy to read your comments and then ponder the question... why don't you leave? I know that question feels dismissive to you but for most of us, getting away from our abuser has been a critical step in our recovery. All that said, I've been having an experience living in a cottage behind a house with a very troubled family that has me reconsidering many things I believed to be true about what it means to be in a family.

I'm fond of everyone who is part of this family. The husband and wife are in their seventies. The wife's sister moved in a year and a half ago when she could no longer cope with her dementia. Their adopted daughter is in her mid-thirties. Despite my affection for all of them, I've been front row center to the incessant bouts of rage between daughter and mother. For some time I believed it was the fault of the daughter who was into drugs and trouble with the law. Along the way I became aware the husband, a soft spoken Buddhist practitioner, attended Alanon meetings. Then I noticed the cases of Sapporo beer arriving each week or two. I became aware of the mother being a bit tipsy. Then I smelled marijuana where she hangs out. I know she is a sexual abuse survivor because she told me the story. As I listened more closely to the arguments I could hear the mother belittling her daughter, finding fault and giving rigid directions. The daughter would scream telling her to shut up. In the meantime, the husband/father gave the two women a great deal of space. Perhaps it was recovery, or perhaps he couldn't cope with his wife's rage and simply made himself small.

I can't for a moment understand your life or the choices you are making Ceremony. I'm sorry it is so painful for you to bear. But I think I finally understand that families can be broken with members locked in the dance with one another. From one perspective it would seem the best for all would be to get away from one another... and yet THIS is exactly how their lives are entwined. They will have to play this out in the same way you're doing Ceremony. I have to respect their choices, your choices. I'm glad you have the occasion from time to time to unpack it with all of us. Again, most of us would likely have left... but as an old co-worker often said... "You never know until you're in the bullfighter's shoes..."

Take care of yourself... as best you can.
 
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Ceremony

Moderator
Staff member
Thanks Esterio, I know you understand, we're good.

Thanks to you Visitor, that is a most understanding and perceptive post. There is a "dance" going on. I have a similar belittling going on, and it's very rigid, much like that mother. My wife isn't drinking or anything, but she's now into decades of untreated depression and anxiety. Valid in its own right. I had near 3 decades of guilt and amends living I attempted to assuage her vindictive tirades. It seemed that the 16 yrs I disappeared into drinking and weed were a choice. That has been amended to more a desperation about cptsd dissociation.

I know all about what's happened to me, and why I am doing what I'm doing. I noted I've had therapy sessions about it. Those however were also ended that I had made this choice and will have live with it; though I evaluate it occasionally. I have not found a place where what I'm feeling I must do is validated. I know it's not normal, it's harmful to me. Yet, I've some benefits and though it seems odd, in my mind, they outweigh leaving. She can be calmed these days of Covid, we've been forced to be around in this house for months. She's been less vindictive, but, it's still there at a moments notice if she's a mind to. I have a room to myself, I can retreat. I do so all the time. I have earbuds, I can put those in, and I do, all the time. I've found some coping methods, and they've helped. I feel more an active participant in improving myself. But, I still have problems.

This can take a lot of my much needed energy, and that is a physical manifestation of this problem. I don't have energy to spare like I did those earlier years up to about 6 years ago. I have started to slow down, and this year has managed to sabotage what would have been an improving year. I saw some silver linings late last year, but now, I'm back to waiting and managing to make do. Like I mention, this particular time where we're more together than ever, we're still giving each other space, and she's seemed to catch onto it. I'm sure it's because on occasion our son tells her to stop. My daughter used to, but she's her family. I'm wishing her well as she has two children and one of them born May 15 this year.

I want to keep doing what I'm doing, and try to come out the other end ready to be me alone. I'm thinking that's probable, and very likely. However, I don't have a crystal ball and will take things one day at a time. Especially about my health.

Thanks for that post @Visitor
 
As I respond Ceremony I hear the shouting next door... I've stopped trying to figure out exactly what is going on because the content of the argument is irrelevant... none of that matters.

No doubt your most important work at this time in your life is internal since the external conditions simply are what they are at any given moment. That you have your own space is good... you can go into retreat. I've spent much time by myself over the years... living alone for the last 24 years. Much of that has been a sort of retreat... meditating, reading spiritual books... soothing myself. The childhood trauma has been in the background most of the time, but it has gripped me at times, especially the last year and a half. It has all become much clearer both what happened and how I carried those experiences, which makes it easier to simply be with myself in a compassionate way. Ultimately, regardless of the circumstances in which we find ourselves it will be how we care for ourselves that matters the most. Yes, it is wonderful if we have people in our lives who care for us, who treat us with kindness. Doubtless that is one of the reasons we come to Male Survivor. Even when people fail to understand what we're sharing, there is never a cruel intent here. We all know how painful it can be to carry trauma. But regardless of the good will from others in our lives, the real work of self-acceptance and self-care is our own. And you can do that regardless of what is happening around you. That is your spiritual practice.

I still sit in meditation in the morning, read spiritual books morning and evening. I visit this website to support my brothers, to share what is challenging and what is rewarding. I know you're doing your own version of the same thing... you're commitment to the website has grown dramatically since I first encountered you. I hope that being here serves you as your commitment to all of us does. We're really all in this together. I'm grateful for that.
 
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Giovanni

Registrant
Sorry Ceremony for my initial response as I didn't completely comprehend what exactly you were saying until I read your second comment on the 11th of July. Apologies and I do sincerely hope that you find some peace.
 
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