Male Friends Needed...but HOW?

Male Friends Needed...but HOW?
R

Redsongbird

Registrant
I have not been on here for quite some time. Rightnow is not the time for me to realy get into it all. But I am so starved for male friends but I am likewise so SCARED to even try. All my abuse has been from men. I am 42 and the recent event...assualt and then stalking has all but did me in. My wife is very strong but I feel myself weakening as the days go by. I don't want to be around any groups of people. THe doctor put me on Zoloft but then the sex drive was gone so that does not help with being depressed and all so I quit taking it. Sorry everyone I am just rambling on here.

Tobey
 
Tobey,

I'm 42 also. I'm very sorry to hear that you've been assaulted, stalked, etc. That is trauma that no one deserves.

Go easy on yourself. You have been through some extreme stuff, so your mind and body had extreme reactions.

I'm glad to hear that your wife is strong. It does help a lot when there's someone who can listen.

This is a safe place to make friends. These guys are great. You can browse here, even anonymously, and read about how other guys endured so much, and how they achieve so much, and help each other so much.

They've been a great help for me. I hope that with them I can be some help to you.

Remember that you are strong to have made it through everything you did. That strength can carry you through the hard times now, with support from your wife, and, if you choose, from the people here.

Feel free to ramble. It happens a lot around here :) so it's not a bad thing. At least, it happens a lot when I post.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Hi Tobey, I have wondered about you and how you were doing. If I remember correctly, you are a teacher, right? Are there any other males on the faculty you can trust?

Another place to meet pretty good men is through being a part of Rotary or Kiwanis, Exchange Club etc. There are usually a couple of teachers in each of these groups when I belonged to them.

If there is a volunteer fire department, or an auxiliary police, you will find fun men there as well. I know some of the aux here in Milwaukee--they work together and train together and form some really solid bonds.

You have had such a terrible experience as an adult that I can sure understand what fear you might have.
If you need an anti depressant you might ask your doc about Wellbutrin. It does not have the sexual side effects like others. But not everyone finds it helpful--sounds like it would be worth a try though.

I trust that you will find a way of meeting good men who can be a lot of fun to be around and don't feel the need to have a kegger every hour or so.

Bob
 
Tobey,

I'm glad that you and I have this place to come to, even though I'm sorry for the pain that brought you here.

Sounds like you are doing the right things to get help; like coming here, going to the doctor.

Wanting and needing male friends is a sign for me that my healthy loving masculine side is still in there, alive in spite of all the abuse and shame.

Congratulations on surviving. You are not alone.

For me, this is represents a safe place for me to get to know other men and fill that need for companionship and closeness without any risk of falling into old patterns of self destruction or abuse.

I would be honored if you would consider being willing to include me among those who might be a friend.

Write or personal message me any time you need or want to. I will always answer you back and am never too busy for one of my fellow survivors.

Guys are here for me when I'm hurting and I want to be there for you and others.

You would really be helping me a lot by writing. I have a lot of trouble being in crowds too.

My shrink says it part of the post traumatic stress from my exposure to the terrorism in NYC.

It also triggered lots of unresolved feelings from my sexual abuse.

Sounds like you have a strong, loving relationship with your wife. You must be a pretty good guy to have someone like her love and stand with you.

About the anti-depressants, my experience is that after some trial and error, we found the right combo that works for me without the sexual side effects. I currently take Effexor with little unwanted effect. Serzone is also one with less sexual side effects. Most people require adjustments of dosage or medication.

So, when you're ready, give it another try. It's been a good way for me to escape the agony of the obsessive thinking, to give my mind a reast so I could respond constructively to my own life.

For me the state of depression is much more of a problem on my sex life than the medication ever was.

You're in the right place my friend. And you will get better with time and some healing attention.

Please come back here or write me or one of us.

I know it hurts and it will hurt some more, but you don't have to hurt alone.

Take care; do something kind for yourself and keep in touch.

Your fellow survivor and willing friend,
 
Tobey it is nice to meet you.

Listen to what your brothers have been saying. You are not alone ever again.
Bob has some excellent ideas for meeting men and enjoying a cameraderie that we all deserve.

Just take your time and it will be all right. You have a lot of fear and anxiety to overcome and that is understandable.

Really we the only thing is fear itself.

You have a strong wife to support you. What about married friends that you both have or meeting people on your street.
 
Tobey
I remember your name from when I first came here, so I had a look back and saw your first post in Dec 2001.

I don't suppose much has changed, not the level of support and help although the site has changed dramatically. So it's a good place to come when we need to recharge ourselves.

You know your amongst friends here.

Dave
 
Hey Tobey,

I really hear you. I am 40 yrs old and still single. I really feel I need good male friends for when I do, my recovery seems to go very well as I get more in touch with my masculinity and maleness through the affirmation of just being around other males friends - males friends that like me for me. I am so glad that you have a strong wife and a good relationship in your marriage. May that continue to be a blessing for you.

I don't really have any very close friends that I do things with regularly, but I am always open for a workout, racquetball, or bicycling partner. I did at the gym close to my last job and it is amazing how a stayed in an unhealthy job because I could continue to see my friends at the local church gym. I have many, many, many acquatainces through church, work, and music activities but I do have a heightened fear of people in general. (You'ld never guess by the folks I see and socialize with in public.) At home it is usually time for being alone and to wind down from being 'in society'. I know with your assault and stalking situation that it must be tough to get over, but we all as survivors are strong guys and I know you can do it.

One thing that I have noticed is that when I meet guys that seem to open up to me, I 99 percent of the time have a sense of being comfortable with me. Other guys seeking friends seem to handle a comfortable, confident man to talk with. When I speak of confident, I don't mean a cocky-ness attitude, but a realization of who you are with a sense of presence (just being there paying attention.) For me, I like talking with guys who are there in the moment with me, talking with me and not thinking about next week's plans or when will this guy go away. Those type of folks are affirming and if you open up a little (which may seem like a lot for us) then a good potential friend will handle it with care and probably talk with you about other things later. Of course there is always a risks in developing friends. Others have mentioned civic, local, and other organizations that are good places. If you have any interest or hobbies such as music, jogging, walking then you may find a local group where some guys get together to meet for fun while enjoying these activities. I have 2 potential friends that I am getting to exercise and ride bicycles with at least once a week. So far things seem to be going well and we've talked a lot. I just pray that these are some good guys to talk with, exercise with, hug with, cry with, encourage, assist, and be good friends with. I hope that you can find the same. Some men that are there for you in the flesh. Some friends come into your life for only a season and some for a lifetime. Whatever the case Tobey, may you enjoy the friends that you have for a season and may you also be blessed with friend that become friends for life.

Best to you.
 
Thank-you for your replys to my post. It really felt good coming here and reading these. You all had some very good ideas. Today I went to the gym that I have a membership to...and once I drove in the parking lot I could not go in I was all nervous. I believe that was one of my topics from way back in 2001 also! I have GOT to get over this. Actually I had gotten to the place where I was going some after moving here from where the assualt happened. But then the whole deal with the stalking happened and now I am back to square one again. My wife is a big suport and I am so grateful for that. I just wish sometimes that I had another male to go to and talk with. Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment. I am going in because of my back but I also am going to ask for something to help me with being out and about. My wife's family is having their reunion this weekend. I am not going. I am not going because I just don't think I could handle being around everyone ALL the time. I need that down time from being out in society also. And yes I am a teacher by the way. So after a week of teaching kids and dealing with parents and meetings and such I usually chill out on the weekends. But now it is summer and all I want to do is be by myself..except for my wife that is. But even this weekend I just want time to myself. I figure she needs some time away from me also not having to worry if I am alright being around everyone. I want to get close to other men but every abuse has occured because of men. It's just so hard to get around this. Recently we had to go through a name change - a legal one because of the stalking. That could probably be a whole different post! I don't know why I even wrote that. I am glad I came back here. This place was always good.

Tobey
 
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