male adult survivor

male adult survivor
R

running4life

Registrant
New to this discussion board, for the first time in my life giving some thought to terrible events that occured during pre-adolescent years. Does sharing your story with others who have experienced childhood sexual assault give you any reprieve from some of the depressing or self-depreciating moments?
 
Hello and welcome,

On sharing these things with others, I spent 40years not sharing these things with others, and it just screwed up my life, nowhere to turn or hide, the loss, guilt and the life I missed out on was of a magnitude similar to the top of the richter scale.

I found a lot of answers to questions I dare never ask most people in life, even though a lot of people now know that I was abused as a kid, not directly, but they know I have been through trauma in the past. I sufferd, the same as you, in pre-puberty.

I know it is so hard to post your first post, but you have got this far, it surely must feel better knowing others have been there.

take care

ste
 
From a personal perspective, just reading about some of the experiences on these discussions makes me feel so empty and yet at times elated that the world can be indeed a just and good place. It seems that there are two levels of survivors, those who went through an emotional and physical hell-like existence until they found solace and those who seemed to become champions in society, despite a lifetime of emotional distress caused by the 'dirty little secret' they had to keep. While the bond that brings us here is not an enviable one, it is one that makes us unique to each other. Somehow without knowing many of the anonymous posters or authors who have shared their story; there is a connection and an understanding that no others could possibly comprehend fully, despite academics, knowledge or belief. Not that we all see the world through the same eyes, just that perhaps we're connected by this historical event that proved to have a profound effect on our futures as adults.
 
Heres another hello and welcome running4life.
Wow. you seem to have a lot of clear-sightedness, may it continue to serve you well on this painful and hopefully rewarding journey youve chosen.

Self deprecating moments were and are part of my defense arsenal. It is a way for me to maintain a kind of self deluding control over something I had absolutely no power over. I am unlovable (my fault)as a child is much easier for me to accept than my mother or father (their fault) doesnt love me (and I might die if they dont feed me).

Im forever grateful to a book by John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You, to help me understand the power toxic shame had over me. I had been through at least 7 years of therapy, and no one had ever explained that concept to me. True, it may be that I was just finally ready to hear it. I still stutter over the notion that I was born precious, just like all of the other newborns in the nursery,then I learned otherwise as did many others in that room. Im still crawling for locomotion when it comes to believing Im precious, but I do pull my self up on tall objects... like my family.

The baseball bat Ive used on myself all my life is still there if I choose to pick it up again. But it is the tool of a very wounded boy who never learned to feel precious. The most loving thing I can do for him is to take it out of his hands and find help for him because Ive had some bad teacher on how to be helpful.

I am being revisited by depression again and Im reaching out for help again from friends family, therapy and Wellbutrin.

...........be gentle with yourself
 
RJD

While I have learned to deal with depression as a regular part of my life, I've been able to keep the monster at bay with excerice, mainly by running. I learned as much as I could in the human physiology domain during my doctoral studies at University. I have come to accept that depression and self-depreciative thoughts can be overcome without pharmaceuticals. Did you know that there are some 1600 biochemical changes in your body (all good!) during even the most relaxed exercise? Get up and get out for a run or walk or swim or bikeride. Since you're in Chicago (my favorite city in all of the USA), this weekend is marathon weekend (I've run it 3 times). Do me a favor and I'll return it somehow, someday. Go out there and simply watch the human mass of people near the finish line (some 25,000 of them). Not just the elite world class guys, but every one. I promise you it will be the best six hours you will spend this weekend, be inspired and know that you're in control of your future.
 
runningforlife,

Yeah, that was me, I made myself to be the best runner, I could outrun anyone in my school, best athlete, nobody to catch me.

I always go for bike rides and running, I find it tones my mind, good for me to get away from it all, but anything that can interest you, say a hobby can be so rewarding.

ste
 
Running4life, Ste and RJD
I am doing exercises regularly since I was 16 years old.
They are the only reason why I can functioning without medications. I just feel very good and relaxed and much more able to cope with everyday stress and problems from SA.

Few months ago I was in army which is obligation for every male citizen in my country. I was very surprised that I scored among the best marks on physical tests, equally to some much younger guys that were professional athletes.
So actually positive impact of exercises can be seen not just on my mind, which is my first concern, but also on my condition.

PS.
Running4life, I have no excuse, I forgot to wish you warm welcome here :) .
I also wanted to say that few years ago I watched marathon in Prague. It was so exciting to see many thousands of people of all ages and their enjoyment in running.
 
I too have experienced the power of exercise in my life. It worked wonders at that time, so much so that I was able to go off my insulin shots and oral medications for diabetes. I did it for 5 years and I felt really good and I looked really good, and therein lies the problem... I looked really good. That meant I felt sexually attractive...TERROR! I was doing fine as long as my prize was good health. If my ego became involved it was just too fragile, which had always been my downfall during lifelong prior attempts to get into shape. My perpetrators were male and female (my mother and my brother), so on a deep level I dont want to look good to anyone. And yet, as an adult I do, and the ambivalence continues.

I admire you guys for having something that works so well for you, and I feel blessed that youve shared these experiences.

What has worked for me as a survival skill is my creativity. No matter what my family did to me, they couldnt rob me of that skill...and they did try. I can sometimes get into a trance like state probably similar in some ways to a joggers high that I have felt before. I let go of my neediness and create. It is all I can do right now to work on a painting. Once I start I become emersed in the process and time flies. I do have to be careful here too because I can become too overly self critical which can prevent me from even starting a painting.

I have many gifts, my many talents, my loving family and friends, the people who have touched me with the truth in their lives, and their hearts and those with whom Ive shared the same. There are those whose lives are forever changed for the better from knowing me, as my life has been changed for the better by knowing others. I say these things in all humility because I also know many of my deepest shadows. This depression has a bit of balance to it. I feel like Im again facing the agony of what happened to me face on, the difference these days is that I know I was preyed upon and I was innocent. They chose to usurp my innocence, it was not my innocence that was at fault which was what I was led to believe by their lies. Innocence means I trusted them, which is my genetic birthright to do so. It is the only way we learn to reach out to one another. It is the quality that brings us to these threads.

Many times I have imagined a profoundly wounded young boy standing threateningly over the innocent young boy with a butcher knife. He hates the innocent boy because the innocent boy carries the deep well of pain of their shared experience. The young boy with the knife sees his only choice is to kill his innocence laying on the ground before him. Then the caring adult in me lovingly takes the knife away from the boy. The two become one and my tears start to flow.

....................Be gentle with yourselves
 
Does sharing your story with others who have experienced childhood sexual assault give you any reprieve from some of the depressing or self-depreciating moments?
Click to expand...
No immediate reprieve, at least not for me. It can be a lengthy process and in my opinion cannot be achieved without therapy. But this place can be a big help.
Peace, Andrew
 
Hello, and welcome here.

Does sharing it give us a 'reprieve'? I am not sure of that. I know that, for me, sharing it gave me strength, and at the same time, lightened my load. It gave me acceptance, and understanding that I am not permanently stained by the past, what confusion and troubles I have are not permanent either. The universe is malleable and I think nature is averse to 'permanence' in living creatures. It is a natural thing for there to be 'ebb and flow' of things. I think sharing with others who understand and support can help guide that ebb and flow some.

I wish you luck.

leosha
 
running4life,

Welcome. Sorry you needed to come here but glad you found us.

Of course, I can only speak for myself. I find that when I bury emotions and deny the truth, they take revenge on me in destructive ways. My bipolar cycles get worse and I have physical difficulties, including migraines and digestive upset. I have to examine these things that I don't want to.

I agree with Andrew: a therapist is probably necessary at some point in the healing journey. But having a safe place like MaleSurvivor is also important. I can say what I'm really feeling and know that I'm not nuts. I can tell my story and not be judged for it. Not being judged, not being told to grow up and get over it, is important.

A reprieve? I don't know. At times it seems that the pain and depression and anger are worse now than when I was complete ignorant of what had happened. But I am deeply convinced that it is always better to know than not to know.

Tom
 
running,

yes it does help, but hurt comes through too. i think that is with any kind of "healing" , counseling, or therapy.

i did and repressed my shit for 31 years. lived a facade- "i am ok, you're o.k.". so be it. now in t, on meds for depression and anxiety- never have done that shit ever, whatever, it is helping now.

anyhow, glad you are here, welcome, sorry you hd to be here like the rest of us. our events are real and we have to deal with them some time or another. some don't, they suffer for life. i am so glad i did not wait another 10 or 20 years or die with it.

i have just been dealing with mine for 6 or 7 months. it is a process. will i ever be better?, i think so. will there be pain in the process, there has, and i know so.

also, as for the running, i recently started lifting again. doing something for us is very important, it makes us feel better about ourselves both physically and pseudo emotionally even if you can't tell it.


anyhow, welcome, you are not alone. it was not our fault. we are innocent, we are survivors, as hard as it can be but we gotta make it.

one day at a time with my new realization. i have been "whacked out" often, i have been o.k. at other times.

i really think it is a process, forever for some, shorter for others. but whatever, i am glad i am here and you should be that you came here.

take care, guy
 
Hey guys, thanks for the warm response. It's always nice to go someplace where you feel welcome. Prior to joining the discussion; I've read the board here often and it certainly helps to know some of my thoughts are not unique to me.

While I'd rather not have had a past that would lead me to this doorstep, I'm not sorry for myself or anyone else who may have suffered the same fate for that matter. Most important to me is what lies ahead and my future happiness. If I can gain some insight to how my (like many of yours) past affects my future actions and thoughts, then I know I'm better off. Questions of my self-worth, sexuality, and very existence in this sometimes very strange world might become less murky in time.

These days I become somewhat enraged at some of the perpetrators who when caught rarely admit it, even then are given a slap on the wrist. At times I feel if I bring indignity, pain and yes even commit a crime to hurt the perpetrator, I would get some resolve from my own situation. Fortunately, I'm in a good place psycologically and know that I would bring greater harm to the ones I really love if I put myself into such a situation.

So for the time being, I get to watch monsters like that fellow from Upper Canada College in Toronto laugh at the media and coverage of his trial for repeat sexual offenses against the very innocent students he was charged to protect. Now if guys like that don't make you want to commit a crime....nothing ever will.
 
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