Male Abuse and Homosexuality: Any Connections?

Hey Lance,

A few things in your posts resonated with me and I figured I'd throw in my two cents.

As for the sexuality/abuse issue (does it make us gay?): my situation is a little complex. I was molested at an early age (6-9) by my older sister (13-16). After that, for the most part, I did not have sex again until I was 24. Since this new sex was with with men (and all other sex has been likewise), I always wondered in the back of my mind if what my sister did to me turned my desires away from women. I was definitely freaked out by the abuse and I figured it had to play a part.

After speaking with therapists and reading books, I've discovered that most educated professionals don't believe sexual trauma affects basic sexuality. Sure, abuse gives an entry into a world you might not have known intimately otherwise, but it doesn't determine anything completely.

Clinically speaking, people who advocate the idea that abuse affects sexuality would predict that I would not be gay since my abuser was a female. Instead, I would either retreat from sex, or exhibit Don Juanism. Neither were the case. After a three-year relationship, I did start having a lot of casual sex, but everything was with men.

Right now, I'm just beginning to really confront the incest/abuse. I did a little therapy two years ago and then brought it up to my sister soon after. After putting things on hold for a while, I'm now hoping to attend a group session soon. I'm just beginning to see how this has all really fucked up how I relate with people, and I'm hoping that some community will relieve the crushing anxiety I often have.

Okay, I'm rambling now. I was going to send this just to Lance, but I thought I'd just post it in general as I guess that is what this is for, no?

I'm pretty green to all this. Thanks for reading everybody.

 

I have to say that finding this forum was one of the most revealing things in my life. I always imagined that something was wrong with me.

I was molested by my father as a teenager. That fact I am absolutely certain of - where as some of the other posts seem to be somewhat unsure at times.

Since that happened, I have suffered from tremendous sexual anxiety. I know I am attracted to women. I enjoy sex with women. However, I have a compulsion to explore sex with men. And unlike women - where I have some longer-term interest in them, my male interest is compulsive and anonymus. I don't want to know them. I just want them to use me.

I know what is happening is wrong. It goes against my religion. I know that women arouse me. However, ever since my father died, I have had numerous male male encounters and feel that I need to prove something to myself.

I do not even know what the question is that I am asking. I just need to know something. And it keeps driving me back more and more.

If anyone argues that our sexual identity is wired at birth, I would conject that some jack*ss probably re-wired some of us.

I do not disapprove of homosexuality. Don't get me wrong. I have actually found some satisfaction from my male - male experiences. However, much like my father forced me to be the giver of pleasure - I only engage in activities where I am giving now. I am not interested in receiving sex from another man.

I don't understand it. It is never something I rationally chose to do. Instead, it is highly compulsive. I frequently find myself in situations that I do not entirely remember how I got into them to begin with. It is like this quest that has never been fulfilled.

My feelings run from "look what you did to me you bastard" feelings towards my father, to feeling that I should humiliate myself to intensely enjoying doing it. Talk about confusing. And I don't want to stop. I want to do more and more and more until I understand why I want to do it.

If I were receiving sexual pleasure from it (instead of being the giver), I would chalk it up as being bi-sexual or homosexual. I have no problem with that. But what totally escapes me is why I feel the need to give pleasure to some stanger, but not take it in return. It is like I am reliving what my father tried to do to me. But this time, it is me doing it to my self.

I would love to know why. Like I said, it is like I ahve this quesiton that needs to be answered, but I don't know what the question is.