Making Progress I Was Abandoned
I am beginning to deal with this. Everyone seems to think you can only be abandoned if someone leaves you permanently. In counseling I am beginning to accept Mama abandoned us. When you say she left to take care of her Mama, people say she did not abandon you. When you tell them she had three sisters and two brothers who lived near grandma and grandpa was still alive they begin to say she did not need to go but chose to go. My counselor asks, seeing it was Mama's choice because others were there and would not have to leave their families, did you feel abandoned. He asked me many times over the past few weeks. I did not know how to answer.
I talked with my sister who is a recovered alcoholic and went through extensive therapy. She told me it took her three tries at recovery before she began to accept she felt abandoned by Mama . All her feelings made her feel Mama did not love her. She also told me Mama used emotional control to gain us back. She would tell us she loved us and no ones hugs were like hers. She would tell us only a mother could cook, do laundry and love us and would tell us Dad did his best, but it is always Mama who is there for them. But she was not there she was 1500 miles away. My sister said children who are abandoned can turn on those who were there for them because they do not want the person who left them to abandon them again. The child slowly goes under the control of the parent who left. She said our younger brother is totally under Mamas control. She used him to attack Dad and still does even though Dad is now dead. She said it is sick and we also let us turn on Dad. I asked her do you think Mama will every admit it. She laughed and said no. I asked about the aunts. She said no because they were under the control of grandma and they learned to control Mama. Mama did not want to hurt them and say you need to change your plans I have three children that need me. She could not because the brothers would call and tell her she needed to get there. My sister said she realized the brothers did shit but expected to be the apple of grandmas and the sisters eyes. She said poor grandpa was also treated as a second class citizen. They would make fun of him or upset so he would leave and go the cellar and do some woodwork. He just put up with it as they laughed and made fun of him behind his back and to his face. But all the children would talk about how much they loved him. She said it was all show as was having everyone there when grandma was sick. This way they could tell everyone how good they were to grandma. They knew grandma wanted it that way. No one ever mentioned us kids who were left behind by Mama. The aunts still talk about how good they were to grandma and grandpa. She said we lost a mother and they were selfish and took our Mama from us. Once grandma died Mama needed to be Mama even though things had changed. So she hurt Dad and we followed her.
My sister told me she told Dad as part of her recovery what she learned when she was recovering. He said he understood and knew we were only trying to keep Mama happy and feared she would leave again. And she did when grandpa was sick. My sister said she asked Dad to forgive her. She said Dad was the best and said you were only a child and it is the adult who controls and manipulates. He said he was happy I was facing my demons and hoped she could love who she chose to love. She said she cried and from the day forward she never took a drink. She said his own abuse by a Brother made him wise to know we had been manipulated emotionally by Mama and the aunts. Dad told him Mama did not do it intentionally. She wanted you to treat her as her Mama wanted to be the center of the kids love. She learned it from grandma who probably learned it from her mother. She told me she cannot stand being near the aunts and uncle who are still alive. She knows they helped to hurt us and Dad. My sister never told me this happened. I knew Dad and her had become close but never knew how it happened. It took telling Dad what she learned and accepted in therapy to fully recover. She did not have to hide her pain. I was jealous I could not tell him before he died I loved him.
I thought long and hard about what she told me. The secrets we keep, the emotions we deny, the manipulation that a child lives only hurt us. Yesterday when I met with my counselor I told him I wanted to answer his question. He asked which one. Did I feel abandoned by Mama? I said out loud yes she chose to leave us to keep her family happy but we were her family do and I was sad. He explored and I cried and asked why did she love grandma, her sisters and brothers more than me.
I think this may be a start to accepting so much in my life and hopefully the sexually abuse that occurred when she was away and the priest knew I needed someone. My counselor and doctors believe these feeling of being abandoned and having the abuse occur at the same time are interwoven and need to be explored. I am scared. I read here what everyone goes through as they try to get better and face the abuse. I am scared I will not be strong enough to survive. I know I have to try. Please tolerate me if I become a wreck and sound stupid or do not make sense. I see others have been there and now they seem so together. That is all I want.
I talked with my sister who is a recovered alcoholic and went through extensive therapy. She told me it took her three tries at recovery before she began to accept she felt abandoned by Mama . All her feelings made her feel Mama did not love her. She also told me Mama used emotional control to gain us back. She would tell us she loved us and no ones hugs were like hers. She would tell us only a mother could cook, do laundry and love us and would tell us Dad did his best, but it is always Mama who is there for them. But she was not there she was 1500 miles away. My sister said children who are abandoned can turn on those who were there for them because they do not want the person who left them to abandon them again. The child slowly goes under the control of the parent who left. She said our younger brother is totally under Mamas control. She used him to attack Dad and still does even though Dad is now dead. She said it is sick and we also let us turn on Dad. I asked her do you think Mama will every admit it. She laughed and said no. I asked about the aunts. She said no because they were under the control of grandma and they learned to control Mama. Mama did not want to hurt them and say you need to change your plans I have three children that need me. She could not because the brothers would call and tell her she needed to get there. My sister said she realized the brothers did shit but expected to be the apple of grandmas and the sisters eyes. She said poor grandpa was also treated as a second class citizen. They would make fun of him or upset so he would leave and go the cellar and do some woodwork. He just put up with it as they laughed and made fun of him behind his back and to his face. But all the children would talk about how much they loved him. She said it was all show as was having everyone there when grandma was sick. This way they could tell everyone how good they were to grandma. They knew grandma wanted it that way. No one ever mentioned us kids who were left behind by Mama. The aunts still talk about how good they were to grandma and grandpa. She said we lost a mother and they were selfish and took our Mama from us. Once grandma died Mama needed to be Mama even though things had changed. So she hurt Dad and we followed her.
My sister told me she told Dad as part of her recovery what she learned when she was recovering. He said he understood and knew we were only trying to keep Mama happy and feared she would leave again. And she did when grandpa was sick. My sister said she asked Dad to forgive her. She said Dad was the best and said you were only a child and it is the adult who controls and manipulates. He said he was happy I was facing my demons and hoped she could love who she chose to love. She said she cried and from the day forward she never took a drink. She said his own abuse by a Brother made him wise to know we had been manipulated emotionally by Mama and the aunts. Dad told him Mama did not do it intentionally. She wanted you to treat her as her Mama wanted to be the center of the kids love. She learned it from grandma who probably learned it from her mother. She told me she cannot stand being near the aunts and uncle who are still alive. She knows they helped to hurt us and Dad. My sister never told me this happened. I knew Dad and her had become close but never knew how it happened. It took telling Dad what she learned and accepted in therapy to fully recover. She did not have to hide her pain. I was jealous I could not tell him before he died I loved him.
I thought long and hard about what she told me. The secrets we keep, the emotions we deny, the manipulation that a child lives only hurt us. Yesterday when I met with my counselor I told him I wanted to answer his question. He asked which one. Did I feel abandoned by Mama? I said out loud yes she chose to leave us to keep her family happy but we were her family do and I was sad. He explored and I cried and asked why did she love grandma, her sisters and brothers more than me.
I think this may be a start to accepting so much in my life and hopefully the sexually abuse that occurred when she was away and the priest knew I needed someone. My counselor and doctors believe these feeling of being abandoned and having the abuse occur at the same time are interwoven and need to be explored. I am scared. I read here what everyone goes through as they try to get better and face the abuse. I am scared I will not be strong enough to survive. I know I have to try. Please tolerate me if I become a wreck and sound stupid or do not make sense. I see others have been there and now they seem so together. That is all I want.
