Making Friends - or not

[raffa_will_fight]

One thing that confuses me greatly: several members post that they have few or no friends, yet they have/had a spouse. How is it easy to find a spouse, the most intimate of friends, but not just "friends?"

I’d say that the connection is very different. At least if we talk about many relationships, surly made of trust and love and respect. But even then some secrets remain; because they are not seen as important, or to protect the partner, or out of fear of loosing them.
A friend (the deep friendship I think we talk about) does not disappear. No matter what, no matter how fucked up you are or what you tell or what you have done.

But in both cases it’s a click that happens.
You say something you are used for people to not understand, but then you see that look of one persons telling you: I know exactly what you said and mean. (If that makes sense)
And I feel this here as well.

 

[Photoman]

One thing that confuses me greatly: several members post that they have few or no friends, yet they have/had a spouse. How is it easy to find a spouse, the most intimate of friends, but not just "friends?"

I thought about what you said and it came to me, MY reason I have/had no friends but had a spouse, could it be that we (married with no friends) can only have one true friend at a time? I honestly think you've really made me aware of a new breakthrough.

In my situation, where my step brother was my abuser, it was 5 years of just me and him together all the time, letting no one come inside our secret until year 4(?) he shared me with one of his older friends where he grew up before my mom married his dad. I probably didn't make friends because I would be afraid of letting my secret out. I wanted my step brother all to myself, therefore, maybe in my subconscious, a friend might learn of or complicate what me and my step brother was doing.

I'll have to spend more time thinking about this and I thank you for opening this up to me.

 

[Ferguson]

I look back at friends in my childhood, I'd say I really only had one. The other two, were arranged friendships - put with them when my parents were busy. I see now that I did not know how to play like other children. I was CSA at 3 by a woman but I think that trauma is not the whole cause of my difficulty in connecting/making friends. The one friend I had (someone who did not do anything sexual to me) was amazing. He must have known I was different but he was somehow able to bring the best into our connection. In adulthood a few have come and gone and 20 years after my duel diagnosis (Autism and ADHD, AuDHD) I've just tried to be friendly and not expect too much from them. I've been married 32 years and have 5 children, but I can't really see my wife in the same category, though she is a friend. I have a dream: - there will be no more fear and therefore amazing friendships, somewhere off into the future.

 

[Brian76]

I have the same issues. I do not know how to play the game. I had one friend and he passed in january 2025. So even though I am married and have two kids, I am alone. I do my duties for them and perform. There is the dad/husband side and the real me that only comes out when no one is around. If I was to make a true friend today.. not sure what I would do.

I can relate to this so much. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I have anxiety making new friends. Part of it is due to my autism and social awkwardness but a big part of it is I’m afraid that people won’t like me once they get to know me and then start refusing to associate with me. And this makes me think that I need to act and say things that I think they want to hear to make them like me. I blame that on Mary with her gaslighting and passive aggressive comments about how no one would ever want to be around me because I didn’t act or behave the exact way she expected me to act.

 

[Georgie]

I have anxiety making new friends. Part of it is due to my autism and social awkwardness but a big part of it is I’m afraid that people won’t like me once they get to know me and then start refusing to associate with me.

These feelings match mine about me exactly.

 

[betrayed boy]

theres a site called meet up where people can find others that are into the same things like hiking, music, animals, photography etc you can maybe find a friend and have someone to talk about things your into and just maybe ease into a friendship who knows.