Making Friends - or not

[Youngtrumpet]

I don't think I can make friends. Real friends. The type that enjoy being around each other at all times. The type where you are comfortable together in all situations. The only time I had a friend like that was in my early tween years. My best friend and our associated friendships were the greatest thing in the world. And all too soon that situation turned south. One night I ended up in a place where I was being forced to perform unspeakable sexual acts with my best friend. Acts in which I was certain one of us wouldn't be alive the next morning. That is a story I might be able to share in the future but it all too difficult to face even privately. The series of events ended up with our close friend group being totally disbanded, separated, abandoned.

As usual I blame everything that goes wrong in my life to my CSA and complex PTSD. And so it goes with my inability to make and keep real friends. I am realizing that I place myself in situations where I do things for people and in return I am appreciated. I am also a workaholic because people appreciate workaholics. But I am also finding out that doesn't create friendships. Not like the ones I had when I was 10, 11 or 12. I am also realizing that I use my wife as my connection for a social life. She has the friends and I tag along. If it weren't for her (and family members who I think are obligated to include me in events), I don't think I would have any social life.

My wife says I push people away. She may be right. She usually is. Until recently I was afraid of men. I found it hard to be in a group of men and certainly was afraid of being in a situation where it was one man and myself. I wouldn't even be able to ride in a car with another man alone. I am breaking out of that bondage. Through therapy I am making the connections with how those were triggers to past abusive situations. I have learned to access my adult side and not let the child side of me heighten my fears.

But coming out of this I realize I don't know how to make friends much less be a friend. I don't know the rules. I don't know how to play the game. Acquaintances are easy. Helping others and receiving appreciation is nice. But I would like to go back to when I was 8 or 9 and have those types of friends. The ones where we didn't worry about unspeakable acts. We had an innocence that made us excited for life and new experiences.

Does anyone else find this difficult or know how to overcome this?

 

[StoneBoy]

I relate
I have no friends
live alone

 

[WeDeservedBetter]

I can relate to much of what you wrote in my own way. I have no friends. CSA affects every aspect of my life in different ways. I also struggle with or have struggles coping mechanisms like workaholism. I have a fear of men, but not direct. More of an internal subtle fear of connecting too close with men. My wife is my primary social connection. I have always pushed people away or kept them at arms length emotionally. Part of me longs for a close friend, but another part realizes it might not happen.
In my therapy and internal exploration, I've come to realize that the fearless childlike exploration of our existence was turned into existence feels like a constant threat.
I'm not sure how to overcome this exactly. Through therapy, reaching out, and exploring myself internally (thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions, judgements, expectations, etc), this slowly changes my relationship with the fear of connecting on any level with others.
Even writing and expressing this now helps in small ways.
This stuff is very difficult to navigate. Hope this helps. Wish you the best. Take care.

 

[nerograves]

Reading what y'all said, I can relate to much of it. I have acquaintances, but I have friends. In my childhood. before the CSA/CSAM at 8, I was and still am ambivert leaning toward introvert, but had no trouble making friends and was more explorative. After the abuse, it changed steadily. As I got older, I started being cautious around males, hated people walking behind me, and got spontaneous emotional impulses. I avoided hanging out with people for fear of becoming to close with men and becoming vulnerable. I got drunk once and was later told I had a manic episode.

Overtime, my thinking changed to do this, say this, agree/disagree with what I think people wanted, and developed a perfectionist workaholic mindset. I thought this was easier to do because people appreciated it. I thought it would allow us to become friends.

I currently realize that somewhere along the way, I lost that part of forming genuine friendships. One moment I want connection, though I mostly just avoid it, but then I don't want it and pull away. So, I've been relearning how to form relationships with people again, learning about communication, boundaries, etc. DBT helped me when my therapist introduced me to it and how to work on it.

 

[Youngtrumpet]

I really keep messing this up. I can’t decide if I am just such a horrible person everyone shuts me out. Or is it their issues that I trigger in them that makes them leave me. Either way it feels like there isn’t much left.

 

[Georgie]

Any of you above been diagnosed with ASD? That can be a major unfortunate deterrent to being able to have friends. It's been a major problem for me.

 

[Silly]

Friendships have become a rarity, but its not impossible. My biggest hurdle is distance... those I consider my true friends dont live here, some are closer than others... but we do get together when we can (and will soon).

 

[JC1]

I don't think I can make friends. Real friends. The type that enjoy being around each other at all times. The type where you are comfortable together in all situations. The only time I had a friend like that was in my early tween years. My best friend and our associated friendships were the greatest thing in the world. And all too soon that situation turned south. One night I ended up in a place where I was being forced to perform unspeakable sexual acts with my best friend. Acts in which I was certain one of us wouldn't be alive the next morning. That is a story I might be able to share in the future but it all too difficult to face even privately. The series of events ended up with our close friend group being totally disbanded, separated, abandoned.

As usual I blame everything that goes wrong in my life to my CSA and complex PTSD. And so it goes with my inability to make and keep real friends. I am realizing that I place myself in situations where I do things for people and in return I am appreciated. I am also a workaholic because people appreciate workaholics. But I am also finding out that doesn't create friendships. Not like the ones I had when I was 10, 11 or 12. I am also realizing that I use my wife as my connection for a social life. She has the friends and I tag along. If it weren't for her (and family members who I think are obligated to include me in events), I don't think I would have any social life.

My wife says I push people away. She may be right. She usually is. Until recently I was afraid of men. I found it hard to be in a group of men and certainly was afraid of being in a situation where it was one man and myself. I wouldn't even be able to ride in a car with another man alone. I am breaking out of that bondage. Through therapy I am making the connections with how those were triggers to past abusive situations. I have learned to access my adult side and not let the child side of me heighten my fears.

But coming out of this I realize I don't know how to make friends much less be a friend. I don't know the rules. I don't know how to play the game. Acquaintances are easy. Helping others and receiving appreciation is nice. But I would like to go back to when I was 8 or 9 and have those types of friends. The ones where we didn't worry about unspeakable acts. We had an innocence that made us excited for life and new experiences.

Does anyone else find this difficult or know how to overcome this?

I hear you. I never learned how to make friends or keep them. It’s lonely.

 

[LittleSteve]

Any of you above been diagnosed with ASD? That can be a major unfortunate deterrent to being able to have friends. It's been a major problem for me.

Yes I have adhd and asd as well or as they are starting to call it AUDHD. Yes it is difficult to make friends. Even the friends that I make it’s hard to get a deep friendship. I feel that I only have that with my husband and my brother. The rest I just don’t seem to have the connection like I should even the friends that I consider close.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

I’ve been on my own until 16 years old. There were some kid playing with me, but one told me last year she apologised for bulling me constantly. Guess Mr. Brain lied to me about that as well.
From 16 I started making friends who are still here.
And I feel that some connections I am making here are on a whole other level because I tried to be as true to myself as possible. And I don’t have to hide the sad part of my past.

 

[Photoman]

Making and keeping friends have been a problem for me all my life. (Aside from my wife, who was my best friend and passed away almost 5 years ago)

I've tried to make friends but I tend to not respond or ever go visit them. And I absolutely hate someone just showing up at my house unannounced. I don't like surprise visits what so ever. I tell everyone to call before coming to my house and want them to respect my wishes on that. Perhaps that turns them off, I don't know.

Now that my wife has passed and I'm all alone, I'm happy just being by myself. It's just less complicated for me.

 

[broncosfann1979]

I have the same issues. I do not know how to play the game. I had one friend and he passed in january 2025. So even though I am married and have two kids, I am alone. I do my duties for them and perform. There is the dad/husband side and the real me that only comes out when no one is around. If I was to make a true friend today.. not sure what I would do.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

I had one friend and he passed in january 2025.

so sorry for your loss

There is the dad/husband side and the real me that only comes out when no one is around. If I was to make a true friend today.. not sure what I would do.

I read this so much and you guys have no idea how much this angers me… All I want to do is make you see what incredible people you all are. AND I SINCERELY BELIEVE IT.
If you were to make a true friend today… wanna try to imagine for a moment and share? I really am curious to SEE you guys. This is the first time I talk with others and being honest and truthful with myself. I deserve it. DM is ok as well, but maybe others could see their not alone with how their lives are at the moment, repressing a part of who they are.

 

[broncosfann1979]

so sorry for your loss

I read this so much and you guys have no idea how much this angers me… All I want to do is make you see what incredible people you all are. AND I SINCERELY BELIEVE IT.
If you were to make a true friend today… wanna try to imagine for a moment and share? I really am curious to SEE you guys. This is the first time I talk with others and being honest and truthful with myself. I deserve it. DM is ok as well, but maybe others could see their not alone with how their lives are at the moment, repressing a part of who they are.

Not sure what I would do. My one friend and I bonded due to both being the messed up kid from the trailer park. We did not need to put on a front. My hobbies are record collecting, exploring remote/bizarre places, and playing guitar. Each one is mostly a solo activity. I guess if there was a friend, they would have to be someone who does not consume music as a soundtrack in the background and they would have to be someone who can take that remote dirt road and not feel uneasy.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

Not sure what I would do. My one friend and I bonded due to both being the messed up kid from the trailer park. We did not need to put on a front. My hobbies are record collecting, exploring remote/bizarre places, and playing guitar. Each one is mostly a solo activity. I guess if there was a friend, they would have to be someone who does not consume music as a soundtrack in the background and they would have to be someone who can take that remote dirt road and not feel uneasy.

Sound like very specific and obviously easier to achieve when all of those passions are discovered together. That is the biggest difference between friendships made ad kids or adults.
But then sure, would be cool to have ONE friend for it all. But there is a lot of awesome people out there that maybe likes one of your passions with all their heart. And other awesome people who listen to each and every note that guitar player uses to create unique art every single time he plays the same song (like Jeff Waters).
And “My one friend and I bonded due to both being the messed up kid from the trailer park. We did not need to put on a front.”
Isn’t this the place? Or do we feel we need to put on a front even here?

 

[broncosfann1979]

Sound like very specific and obviously easier to achieve when all of those passions are discovered together. That is the biggest difference between friendships made ad kids or adults.
But then sure, would be cool to have ONE friend for it all. But there is a lot of awesome people out there that maybe likes one of your passions with all their heart. And other awesome people who listen to each and every note that guitar player uses to create unique art every single time he plays the same song (like Jeff Waters).
And “My one friend and I bonded due to both being the messed up kid from the trailer park. We did not need to put on a front.”
Isn’t this the place? Or do we feel we need to put on a front even here?

I work in the white collar world and so reminiscing about my poor, trailer park background does not line up. Its one thing to be anonymous on the internet and another to really do so in real life.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

I work in the white collar world and so reminiscing about my poor, trailer park background does not line up. Its one thing to be anonymous on the internet and another to really do so in real life.

I absolutely get that. I have not a white collar but white clothing in my salon But dude, the sole first sentence you wrote can be reason to REALLY be proud of yourself. Your passions have nothing to do with where you come from. Someone could have the same passions and not come from there. Fat is: if all keep their social mask up, how could they find each other? (I just brainstorm here, simple and deep conversations (thank for that!) to try and see more POVs than just mine and yours, because there are)

 

[raffa_will_fight]

I work in the white collar world and so reminiscing about my poor, trailer park background does not line up. It’s one thing to be anonymous on the internet and another to really do so in real life.

PS: we had little interaction, but what there was was intellectually very enjoyable. And I think, from that little I learned today about you, we could not be more different, from were we comes from, from the living situation, the work we do as adults, the violence you experiences that I just saw on TV. To the dirt: nope, not for me. Yet we are talking, learning, seeing that two worlds can show each other their reality. Gives me hope in humanity and people knowing how many incredible persons are around. Just afraid to show who they are, which is a pity, but I get it.

 

[Georgie]

One thing that confuses me greatly: several members post that they have few or no friends, yet they have/had a spouse. How is it easy to find a spouse, the most intimate of friends, but not just "friends?"

 

[JC1]

I want to say something here. Yes, i have s wonderful spouse. Often we say well that’s your best friend. Yes of course, but that is not the whole story. In spite of spouse and kids, when it comes to male friends, i can only wish I knew how to do that, but I don’t. It may be hard to see, but it is real, and I’ve lived that way all of my life. In fact I don’t think i can even describe it in a way that others get. I would give just about anything to be able to be in a group as one of those effervescent, easy talking, outgoing people. As it is, I’m not I guess.