Maintaining control as victim/survivor

[IamGeordi]

I'm sorry I can't recall which story I read this in (I've read so many of them that a lot of what is said other then the stories themselves kind of blends together [old age I guess! ]) but one of the posters in the Survivor's Stories board said that victims blame themselves because by so doing, we give ourselves a simbelence of control in a situation where our abuser is trying to accert control over us.

In my own story (Butchie's Tale #1) I tell how my uncles played a game in which I was a man-eating monster and say that I never allowed either of them to be the monster. A few years after I began Alanon recovery, it cam to me that perhaps it was because I needed to maintain the illusion that I was in control of the situation.

This has bled over into my adult sex live. I can only have an orgasm when I'm active. And when I hustled, I much prefered to serve my john's.

Or am I totally off the mark here? Have others had the same experiences or reactions?


Geordi Byron

 

[LostandTroubled]

I know that I often took the passive side when I was abused (and when I was a pro) because I always thought that if I was active they'd think I was fighting back so I just laid there and took it. I think this was a reaction to the way I was brutally raped and beaten the first time I was victimized. That was my way of taking control - if I couldn't control the sex, maybe I could control their anger by not pissing them off, you know, by doing stuff that 12-year-olds do when they're sexually abused - like crying. My perps are a**holes.

But anyway, that's just my story and it may be a bit different from yours. Hopefully more people will respond to give you a better answer to your question.

 

[Mike Church]

Geordi: WARNING MAY TRIGGER SOME

I was a male hustler who catered to the more vicious and kinky element of the male population.

I was seeking pain and degredation. But on the flip side I knew that the more I goaded them about their manhood and the less responsive I was to whatever was happening the worse it got. And that is what I really wanted. They were in control and I was in control. What a screwed up life it was. I didnt serve my john's I served myself up to be really done a number on. I think in a perverse way I was looking for someone to kill me because I did not have the cojones to do it myself. Did it spill over into my life. You bet it did. I still think that sex involves winners and losers depending on the perspective one takes. I have a hell of a time associating sex with love.

Hope this helps a bit.