Madonna-Whore Spin-off: Pre-emptive Rejection
Hope it's okay for me to take the following quote from the M-Whore thread and start a new topic with it. The M-W thread has evolved into a discussion of many different points of interest--topics in their own right--and for some reason this one stuck out for me this morning.
In "Thinking of Leaving Him..." I recently related an exchange between B. and I wherein he suddenly denied having ever said he wanted to marry me. I was quite aware that he knew as well as I that he'd talked about wanting to marry me many times, and even very recently. Still, even as offended, hurt, and floored as I was by his sudden claims to the contrary, intuitively I understood that what he was really trying to do, if only subconsciously, was shield himself from the possibility that I might "reject" him by turning him down..."[protecting himself] from expected rejection by rejecting [me] first." And when we finally talked about that exchange 6 days later, he said as much.
Hearing him volunteer, without direct prompting, an honest explanation for his sudden denial that day of having ever said he wanted to marry me told me a number of very important things: (1) that he'd spent some time reflecting on his own behaviour; (2) that he was willing to take the risk (huge for him) of further exposing himself by being honest with me about his fear that I'd reject him; (3)that despite his feeling so scared and very vulnerable, especially by owning/sharing those feelings with me, he was demonstrating much love and trust in me by putting them on the table; and (4) that by having done so he'd presented me with an opportunity to, among other things, demonstrate that such honesty and disclosure on his part can in fact be very affirming, bringing us closer together, instead of estranging us as his earlier attempts at "pre-emptive rejection" had so effectively done. What we're talking about here is building trust and opening doors to a shared, authentic, more deeply-experienced intimacy.
Interestingly, he seemed quite surprised at just how hurt, offended and alienated/disenfranchised I had felt as a result of his pre-emptive denials. Until we finally talked about it, the actual effect of his efforts to protect himself from rejection, was in fact to elicit an abandonment/rejection of him from me. My trust and good will had been deeply shaken and so I had responded by trying to protect myself (by distancing, etc) from further hurt/offense at his hands. For whatever reason, his denial (pre-emptive rejection) that day had felt like the proverbial straw to me and I'd spent the following week making plans to leave. Had he not sat me down and started talking honestly (and listening for that matter)when he did I don't know that he'd still be living here now. Phew!
It is a Pavlovian type of thing and I don't believe for one minute that we won't go through such things together many times yet. But I believe that honest talks like the one we had that day, reading articles like the one Dave posted and so forth will make such times easier to get through and past. Those fears and behaviours have become well cemented over DECADES and one affirming experience with talking about them is not going to change that.
I do believe that at least some real understanding of the issues (and yes, there are many) is critically important for the healing process and for giving us all hope of more loving, authentic and affirming relationships in the long run. I have tried to demonstrate the potential and power of this using just one tiny example from my own relationship but either way, the article was useful for me in at least affirming what understanding/learning I've gained so far in my own journey with my guy.
Hope to hear more from you...
Stride
While I think it's fair to say that the kinds of behaviours mentioned above are not the sole province of survivors, such behaviours none-the-less makes particular sense coming from survivors of sexual abuse. I thank Dave for posting the article excerpt that he did, because it helps further our understanding of survivor behaviours/thinking, which is helpful for survivors and partners alike: As SAR wrote, "They are tools-- and when you put a tool in my hand, then I have hope."
In "Thinking of Leaving Him..." I recently related an exchange between B. and I wherein he suddenly denied having ever said he wanted to marry me. I was quite aware that he knew as well as I that he'd talked about wanting to marry me many times, and even very recently. Still, even as offended, hurt, and floored as I was by his sudden claims to the contrary, intuitively I understood that what he was really trying to do, if only subconsciously, was shield himself from the possibility that I might "reject" him by turning him down..."[protecting himself] from expected rejection by rejecting [me] first." And when we finally talked about that exchange 6 days later, he said as much.
Hearing him volunteer, without direct prompting, an honest explanation for his sudden denial that day of having ever said he wanted to marry me told me a number of very important things: (1) that he'd spent some time reflecting on his own behaviour; (2) that he was willing to take the risk (huge for him) of further exposing himself by being honest with me about his fear that I'd reject him; (3)that despite his feeling so scared and very vulnerable, especially by owning/sharing those feelings with me, he was demonstrating much love and trust in me by putting them on the table; and (4) that by having done so he'd presented me with an opportunity to, among other things, demonstrate that such honesty and disclosure on his part can in fact be very affirming, bringing us closer together, instead of estranging us as his earlier attempts at "pre-emptive rejection" had so effectively done. What we're talking about here is building trust and opening doors to a shared, authentic, more deeply-experienced intimacy.
Interestingly, he seemed quite surprised at just how hurt, offended and alienated/disenfranchised I had felt as a result of his pre-emptive denials. Until we finally talked about it, the actual effect of his efforts to protect himself from rejection, was in fact to elicit an abandonment/rejection of him from me. My trust and good will had been deeply shaken and so I had responded by trying to protect myself (by distancing, etc) from further hurt/offense at his hands. For whatever reason, his denial (pre-emptive rejection) that day had felt like the proverbial straw to me and I'd spent the following week making plans to leave. Had he not sat me down and started talking honestly (and listening for that matter)when he did I don't know that he'd still be living here now. Phew!
It is a Pavlovian type of thing and I don't believe for one minute that we won't go through such things together many times yet. But I believe that honest talks like the one we had that day, reading articles like the one Dave posted and so forth will make such times easier to get through and past. Those fears and behaviours have become well cemented over DECADES and one affirming experience with talking about them is not going to change that.
Peaceful,
I do believe that at least some real understanding of the issues (and yes, there are many) is critically important for the healing process and for giving us all hope of more loving, authentic and affirming relationships in the long run. I have tried to demonstrate the potential and power of this using just one tiny example from my own relationship but either way, the article was useful for me in at least affirming what understanding/learning I've gained so far in my own journey with my guy.
Hope to hear more from you...
Stride
, but I had to reply to this.
