Mad

[TLR]

I am mad.
Mad I now have memories in my favorite place, our home, that do not belong to just my husband and I....there are 3 of us living in this home now.
Mad I want to go to work just to forget, yet mad I have to work...what is he doing while I am away?
Mad he won't tell anyone else.
Mad I have to carry the burden of a secret that was created decades ago.
Mad that I take this out on myself by overeating, mad I worked so hard to loose so much weight and even madder that I am putting it back.
Mad that I seem to have given control over to a 14 year old boy that abused my 8 year old husband over 40 years ago.
Mad that my husband betrayed me.
Mad that I cannot have sex with my husband without wondering, "does he wish he was with a man instead?"
Mad that we HAD a great sex life before this came out, now it is mediocre at best.
Mad that when I see my husband naked I see images of photos he took & shared with a MAN.
Mad that I don't know when he is lying.

I have walked away from relationships for less.... I love him, unconditionally, painfully and with every ounce of my being. I know like I know I KNOW that I will love him and be with him until God takes my last breath from me.

What I don't know? How will I ever get through to the other side of our hurt?

 

[Esposa]

Acceptance

If you KNOW you will not leave, then work acceptance. That's all you have as an option. What has been seen cannot be unseen, and acceptance takes time, grace and determination. Acceptance often comes after grief, which generally trails anger.

 

[journey4two]

I understand everything you wrote. I could have written it word for word. The involvement with other men is the deepest cut. I understand in CSA survivor lingo why it happened. I am told that what that was about is not what he and I can/do (now) have. But MY experience of it is not written in a CSA Survivor's manual. I did not mean that to sound disrespectful... I am trying to express that the feelings that seeing *that* shared picture, *those* text messages, *that* ad soliciting sex saying "married" but then going on to describe what he wants in his sexual partner... body parts that I simply don't possess. Those are my current memories. When he gets angry at me, life, finances...whatever... and he sinks back behind that wall...WHAT? WHAT is going to happen? I simply do not know...ever. We need to rebuild trust...but (for some reason relating to his CSA) I have to regain his trust in me that I never betrayed. Somebody else took that away from him years ago. If I don't trust him, then he feels shamed and that looming threat of his acting out is as real as ever. It is like he is two people right now. I am madly in love with the one... a relationship with *that* guy, was worth putting up with 15 years of hell for...but the other guy? 15 years and one day...two days...how long can I last? AND NOW, I am in my recovery. I know what happened to him and what his actions can cause me. I can no longer stuff it or turn a blind eye in order to survive... that is just a continuation of abuse and secrets. I love him. I am so so sorry about what happened to him (and all the men here). There are times when he shows me his vulnerable heart and mine is right there to meet him. No armor needed for once! I am tired of having to always have armor at the ready. My heart, my emotions... I am exhausted. Then the other side of him surfaces and there is healing, relief and a sense of safety. I am like a sponge sucking up the love. I hate feeling this desperate, this insecure.

 

[Esposa]

Holy cow journey - that's my life

I will say, it ain't no better when they cheat with a woman. I have the same body parts and he preferred hers We, as spouses, have to realize that the cheating is acting out/acting in - an act of self destruction and self castration - rather than an act against us. It is not personal. We did not cause it. It took me 2 years to get there - but there I solidly am - so have hope.

I know the feeling of being unable to trust and worrying that something will set him off back down his path of self destruction - and my answer to that? I no longer worry because I have accepted things and I know that I neither cause NOR prevent that behavior. I will not carry that burden and I will not carry the guilt. I am a supporter - I am not a trigger.

When he first cheated, before I knew everything, my therapist said to me, you will someday get to the point where you love him but his leaving or straying or falling down will not be the end of you. I remember that day because I cried and panicked and professed my undying love for him. But I look back now and know that I forsaked myself. His path is his path and my path is my path. In psychological terms, it is called separation. That word used to give me anxiety because I thought it meant we couldn't be together - when in reality it was the only way for us to be together. We are separate - we are two different people - two different experiences - drawn together more from our traumas than anything else. We have chosen to walk together and I mean walk - we both have to be moving forward for that to happen

Codependents think they can control other people, situations, outcomes. Codependents in recovery know that this is erroneous. You cannot trust someone else when you don't trust yourself. Same therapist taught me that. She told me my inner child was screaming for me to take care of her MYSELF. And she was right. I had to learn to trust ME. And from that came the seedlings of trust in my marriage.

 

[journey4two]

I will reread your post many times, Esposa. Thank you for the hard truths you shared. My therapist has said as much. It has been two months since all of this really came out into the open. It seems impossible, but I hear you... I believe you... and I agree with you (but it is so hard). Still a lot of grief and anger here, but there are small doses of acceptance. Thanks for the hope

 

[Going forward]

And I too can relate to everything you are mad about today. My husband also has a history of acting out with other men. I try so very hard to make sense of it and to make myself believe it has nothing to do with me. I feel better today knowing that I am not alone. I am sad though that we all have to live with this uncertainty