Mad that I have to deal with all of this

I found this site today. I have been sitting in my office all day reading your posts. It seems that many things that affect me affect you also. I have a few memories of my abuse, but I can't seem to get it all to the surface. I never talk about it to anyone. My wife tries to get me to talk about my experiences, but I always tell her that I don't want to talk about it - maybe someday.

My overriding emotion at this point is that I am really pissed that I have to carry around these feelings. I will go for months without any problems and then I will go through a bout of depression when it really gets to me.

I am in the middle of one of these episodes right now. And I am pissed that this happened to me, and I am pissed that even though I am 38 years old, I feel like I'm 7. I'm pissed that I'm not normal. I'm pissed that although I have this facade of being a normal, relatively successful professional, I feel like I'm living a total lie. I feel like everyone should see that I'm a loser. Even though I have a Masters Degree, I'm really stupid. I certainly don't understand why my wife could love a piece of s*** like me.

One positive thing is that sometimes when I am in one of my depressed states, I will summon the courage to work on myself for awhile.

By the way - I love Tinfoil's posts, He seems to have the courage to say some of the things that I would like to say.

 

[Ken Followell]

Will,

Sorry you needed to find this site but glad you did. I understand the feelings you have expressed so well. Please use this siteas a way to start "talking" about it. It will help. It is only when we can say out loud what has happened to us the we start to have some freedom from the effects.

The chatroom is very helpful as well. A lot of courageous and compassionate men stop by there to share in this journey.

Ken

 

[Cement]

I arrived here myself just a few weeks ago. Welcome, best of luck, glad to have ya...

I, too, am going through a bout with depression and gnawing frustration. Anger is maybe a second away at any given moment. Nobody gets me, nobody respects me and they all want to hurt me.

My mother told me I had the highest IQ of anyone ever tested in my town. You know what I hear from that? Why haven't I accomplished more? In my chosen profession I deal with egos the size of, I dunno, something really big. My 'sales pitches' are rejected 90% of the time AT LEAST. Am I the creator of my own undoing or are all these fucking people assholes?

I want to let you know you are not alone. There are a lot of guys, good guys with very good hearts here.

Peace, to us all.

 

[Lloydy]

WillP
Someday you will find the courage to talk to your wife, you'll know when it's right. And hopefully you'll get the understanding you need, most of us seem to. If you married because you love each other and you still do you probably will.
You're right about "underachieving" and feeling "inferior"- it doesn't matter how clever we might be, abuse leaves us feeling that way, but it is possible to overcome those feelings.
But it's hard work, make no mistake about that, and I would strongly reccomend a good therapist. Find one that knows about, or solely deals with, SA.
It's tempting to think that because we think we're "smart" we can do it ourselves, but personally I don't think we can. We need guidance, someone to make us think of all the angles, without that we go round in circles.
But you've made a great start coming here, telling us has relieved you of part of the secret, the most important step.
There's a good feeling here, plenty of support and help, and somewhere to unload.
'later
Lloydy

 

[getteddie]

Hi Will,
Get a good "Male SA Therapist" and he or she will tell you when to tell your wife!!!! He or she will get you everything that you will need to go on!....GET A THERAPIST TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eddie

 

Thanks for your replies. I can't tell you how just reading the posts and the responses to my post has made me feel a little better. I think that just knowing that I am not a freak (or at least not the only freak)goes a long way.

I read most of the posts and have been surprised to see how so many of them directly relate to me and my behaviors.

I'll tell you though, the more I realize that many of my feeling/behaviors have their root in sexual abuse, the more pissed off I get.

I'm really glad I found this site and plan to continue reading and writing. And as many of you suggest, I think I will seriously consider getting some professional help.